Typically, when I think of being disciplined, I think of a child being taught right from wrong. I think of training a young mind the correct way to go about things, how to make good choices, how to be respectful, follow directions. I don’t often think of an adult who lives a fairly mild life. Yet here I am, still learning…. and learning that you’re never too old for discipline.
I’ve been so frustrated lately with the situation God has me in concerning homeschooling….or the lack of homeschooling. I know in my heart that He has put this on me to do…. yet the one person who needs to be in agreement with me isn’t. I’m not mad at Jake for disagreeing…. his choice is based on what he truly thinks is best, as is mine. I keep praying for God to put us on the same page, but so far He hasn’t. That leaves me feeling frustrated and at times even angry with God…. I’ve even asked Him to take this from me, but He hasn’t done that either. So, I’m left at a standstill.
Today at bible study we talked about discipline and it was very apparent to me how much I lack discipline in many areas of my life. Especially with managing my time and directing my thoughts. I often joke that I MUST have ADD with the way I go about things and how scatterbrained I am. I often “ping” around my house from one thing to another without really accomplishing much. I know…. someone like me wanting to homeschool sounds like a recipe for failure. But when something this big is put on your heart this heavy, it’s hard to ignore.
My thoughts instantly went to homeschooling, and how I will need to rectify my discipline problem if that ever becomes a reality. I’ve decided within the last two weeks to fully prepare myself so that when/if God puts it on Jake’s heart, I’ll be ready that moment. I’ve ordered books that will help me get started and I intend on starting first grade with Dylan this summer…. it will give us an idea of how it will go without pulling him out of school. Part of that preparation though is also disciplining myself with my time management and thought life.
I was talking to Jake about it this afternoon and I told him that there has to be a purpose to this season right now, or else it’s pointless. God isn’t pointless and everything He does is for a reason. I see Him growing me in ways I wouldn’t have otherwise. My faith is strengthened, even though I’m experiencing frustration and anger at times. My devotion is stronger than it’s ever been because I truly truly would not have peace in the midst of this without God and His promises. I’m recognizing things about myself that need changing so that when/if this becomes a reality I will be fully prepared.
“Self discipline is our best defense.” That was stated in our bible study book. In this case, self discipline will be my best defense because I’ll be ready when the time comes to take on this challenge and I won’t be scrambling to get my act together. I firmly believe that God is using this season of waiting to stretch me farther than I’ve been stretched before. It’s in that stretching that I am finding He is my only comfort, knowing that this too will work for His good, His will, and no matter what the end result is, He will have the glory in it. Whether that be Jake and I coming together in agreement, or how much I have grown through this process. It’s a win/win.
Like a child who needs discipline does, I could very easily stomp my feet, scream, cry, whine, and beg for MY way….. but also like a child, I find so much peace in resting in the fact that I know my Father has my heart in mind and no matter what, it is taken care of. I CAN throw my fit (trust me, those days were around) then I can crumble at His feet and know He will pick me up again and He reassures me that He has it taken care of. No matter how this season of our life turns out, I trust that we will be better for it.