……about not blogging for all the people checking in. And seriously, what is with all the checking in when I’ve not been blogging?? My stats were surprising when I actually logged into my dashboard. 😯 So, I have some news. I’m pregnant.
Back to reality. My news would be I actually have a topic I want to blog about, and since twitter limits me to 140 characters and Facebook doesn’t have enough space in the “updates” section, I’m forced excited to come back here and share. Seriously though, I am. I’ve been at a blogging loss for awhile now. My problem is with my title. I feel pigeon holed into blogging about the boys, and to be honest….I don’t always want to blog about the boys. In fact I want to change my name but I’ve already done that once, so I won’t do it again. 😉 It will stay My DAO Days, but just know, I won’t be blogging about the boys 24/7. I know, mean mom. 😛 😆 Another thing that won’t change, my overuse of emoticons. Just get over it already. 😉
So I’ve been thinking a lot about God’s will vs. our will. I know, I know…. seems like an overdone topic, but seriously, it’s come up quite a bit lately with myself, with friends in real life, with friends online, with family. It’s always there. Today I started wondering, are we tricking ourselves into thinking that what we want is what God wants as well?
Gonna tell you a little story…..
When I was dating Jake I was a junior in high school. (I know, right?!) It was actually the END of my junior year. He took me to my first prom. (how sweet, I know) We dated through the end of my school year, through the first part of summer, and then he moved to go to college. DUN DUN DUNNNN. After a few dates with him I knew he was different….he was…NICE. Polite. Opened doors. Didn’t try to stick his tongue down my throat 30 seconds into our first date. That didn’t happen until we were married. *wink*wink* 🙄 😆 He was just DECENT. Didn’t use foul language around me. Didn’t make crude jokes. I even remember a time when I came home from a date with him and my mom looked at my face and said “he’s different isn’t he?” and I knew what she meant. I knew he was special. I didn’t want to lose special, so I immediately started doing everything RIGHT. I prayed every stinking day about a million times a day. I went to church every stinking time there was a service or study offered. I smiled all the time. I was nice to everyone. I stopped flirting with boys because I had THE ONE. I just KNEW that if I did all things RIGHT, then my will and God’s will would be the same and he would never ever take this perfect person from me. I just knew it. I felt like everytime I did something RIGHT, it was like depositing money into the bank. I thought I was securing what I wanted by giving my all to God, and in return he would give me all I wanted because our wills would be the same. RIGHT?????
About 6 weeks into my senior year, my world came crashing down. After 2+ months of “long distance dating” (seriously, we never saw eachother, but our phone bills were insane) it was over. Done. Kaput. Kapish. However the heck you spell it, it was finished. I was FURIOUS with God. FURIOUS. “How could you do this to me?! This is all I ever wanted! We talked about getting married! Babies! A life! HOW?! Didn’t I do everything right? Isn’t this what you wanted for me too?!” Now, a quick disclaimer: I KNOW, I UNDERSTAND, that in the grand scheme of things, this is a small detail. In fact, it may be seen as insignificant to some, but I promise you, I learned a life long lesson here…. and it can apply to any situation, so sit tight. He broke up with me on my lunch break over the phone. Because you KNOW I went home everyday at lunchtime just to call him. 🙄 I didn’t go back to school that day. Or the next day. My mother was very gracious, and I see now (whether she knows it or not) that God gave her a gracious heart towards me during this because I was never allowed to just “skip” school. I stayed in my room. Even after returning to school, I came straight home to my room. I was so angry. So hurt. Just before this had happened I had sent Jake my promise ring….you know…that ring that is supposed to be a declaration that you are going to wait to have sex until you’re married. I laugh now at how SILLY it was for me to send it to him, but I knew that we would be married one day. He knew it too. Before he broke up with me anyway. 😆 He didn’t get the ring until AFTER the breakup, and he promptly sent it back. Oh I was heartbroken.
The next several months I wrestled with God. “Didn’t we want the same thing God? You and I? I thought this was your will for me? I thought I did everything right. Why would you take this away from me? I prayed. I went to church. I took others to church. I stopped doing things I knew I shouldn’t be doing. I did EVERYTHING you wanted me to do, and still this….”
I had thought that MY will was God’s will, instead of God’s will being MY will. You see, I didn’t change anything about me, until after I got what I wanted. I didn’t give myself over to God completely until I finally had something worth anything. And to be honest, my time with God grew me in ways I never would have otherwise. I devoted myself wholeheartedly to him. Even though my motivation was wrong, God took that and redeemed that by growing my heart in Him, by growing my trust in Him. Even though I was angry with him and went through a rebellious period due to my anger, I humbly came back and fell on my face when I realized that it was MY will that was not aligned with God’s. To think that I shouted at God about HIS will not being MINE?! What did I know? Certainly not what God knew.
When I finally came around to a place where I could openly admit to God my mistakes in how I handled that situation, I found peace. I KNEW, without a shadow of a doubt, that if I saw Jake as the perfect person for me and God took him away from me, then that meant there was someone BETTER that God had in store. Better. I couldn’t even fathom. So, I gave it all up him, knowing that he could see farther than me, that he knew better than me, that he LOVED me enough to let me walk through that trial and learn a few lessons that I would carry with me always. Even still today.
What happened? 10 months after that breakup, Jake came home, and it was as if nothing had happened. It was August. That December we were engaged, and the following May we were married. Last Wednesday was 8 years. Seems like yesterday he took me to my first prom.
I know, in my heart and soul, I was not ready for a life with Jake yet had I not gone through that growing period. I learned to lean on God and trust in him in ways I don’t think I could have learned otherwise, and in ways that I would need during our early years of marriage. That period taught me to first and foremost pray “Father, YOUR will, not mine.” As hard as it is to speak those words, we are fooling ourselves if we don’t acknowledge that it is ALWAYS HIS WILL, not ours. I have to trust that His Will is best for me, no matter how awful it may feel at the time.
What about you? What in your life has taught you, humbled you into realizing, that God’s will prevails over our own?
What are holding onto right now that you think is God’s will, but could actually be your own will?
Have there been times when you’ve wanted something so badly, it MUST be God’s will? But really, you’re just HOPING it is?
Are you hoping that if you love God enough, he will align his will with yours??
It’s good to remember that God loves US enough to not budge when it comes to his will. It’s good to remember that it’s US who need to align our will with HIM. Anything else brings heartache, confusion, doubt. We serve a God that is about full hearts, clear minds, and certainty that He is on the throne directing every step, no matter how painful.