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Monthly Archives: March 2010

Sweetest Sound

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“Mommy, what does L-O-R-D spell?”

He’s reading a bible he found in the house. He’s READING A BIBLE he found in the house.

Happy mommy heart moment.

While it’s bits and pieces, I’d rather he read those bits and pieces than anything else.

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My 100 Things:1-20

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 It’ll be interesting to see how long this takes me! I have feared the “100 Things” post for over a year now. 😕

1. Brandy is not my real name. Bonus points if you know what it is. Bonus points for what you ask? Nothing, really. But those who remember it always make me smile.

2. I always say I’m not as nice as everyone thinks I am but I wonder how true that is. I can’t bear to be anything but nice, but that doesn’t always mean I like everyone I deal with.

3. I’m nervous about admitting #2.

4. I always wanted four kids, but stopped at three thanks to a little something called PPD. And that led to a hightened case of OCD  mostly about whether or not my children were breating, or safe, or sleeping, or eating, or walking, or talking, or….you get the picture. 😕  There was also the new compulsion to obsess over little details like making sure the pepperoni was all spaced EXACTLY the same on top of my homemade pizza.  Pregnancy is not my friend.

5. I am an emoticonaholic in recovery. Sorry in advance.

6. If I could pick any career to instantly have…. I’d panic. I can’t pick things. There are so many things I want to do I can’t decide. Lactation consultant (HUGE passion of mine), own my own coffee shop (something I’ve said for our entire marriage that when Jake retires he is buying me a coffee shop), sing (I’m awful, you’d pay me to stop), teach, act, be a chef…. so many things. I love them all, and then some.

7. I didn’t know how to cook when we got married. The extent of my culinary expertise started and ended with mac-n-cheese, ramen noodles, and bachelor-like spaghetti.

8. Almost 9 years later and cooking is one of my favorite things to do. I still won’t touch a whole bird though….or anything with bone in it.

9. I love to entertain when I have the energy and resources to plan a great party. I obsess about every detail (see #4) so much that when the party is over I am often frustrated that I didn’t let myself have more fun. Even though planning and preparing is half the fun for me. I’m learning to let some things go.

10. When I look back at who I was as a teenager, I often think I was the biggest idiot I’ve ever known and wonder how on earth I was so stupid. I also worry that I wasn’t very nice, even though I would like to think I was….I know I probably wasn’t. I’m sorry.

11. Sometimes when I look at my life I wonder whose life it really is. Are these kids really mine? Is this house really mine? Is this truck really mine? That man, he’s MY husband? When did all this happen? I’m only 15!

12. I often refer to the age of 15 (see previous statement) for some unknown reason. “What are we? 15?” “It makes me feel 15 again” “When will she stop treating me like I’m 15?” (that last one comes when I feel my mom is too mothery…. which I’m sure my kids will say when they are adults too. Just goes with the territory.) I don’t know why my “go-to” age is 15. I wonder if there is some supressed memory there?? Hmmm???

13. I have multiple “best friends” and they are all equally different. Can I say that? Equally different? One I’ve had since I was 13 and our “best friend-ness” now comes from reminiscing about memories from our childhood. Our lives now are very much opposite. Another comes from years of back and forth friendship only to discover we are better as friends rather than enemies. I love her immensely now that we’re adults.  The one who knows my thoughts without me saying them was my very first friend at our very first base…. 9 years later and still friends to this day, although we haven’t seen eachother in 6 years. Thank goodness for free long distance, otherwise we’d both be in big trouble. A very special friend I hold dear to my heart is one that became a Christian during our friendship. I was priveledged to be with her when she prayed that prayer and now I am in awe at how far she has come. There are so many more I think I need to parlay this into a blog post. Yeah?

14. Jake was the first boyfriend I ever had to open doors for me. That’s how I knew he was it. Not sure what that says about my standards at that time, but it’s worked out so far. haha!

15. I am the worst house keeper known to man. Sure, I can clean it spotless and make it look amazing….for 12 hours. It’s the continual upkeep I lack.

16. I often smile on the outside but feel tormented on the inside…. might be why I like to be around other people. Keeps me smiling. I’m a big fan of “fake it til ya make it.”

17. In many ways my life is exactly like I imagined it when I was younger…. but the small details are different.

18. I always said I’d rather have all boys than all girls any day…. God totally took me seriously on that.

19. I struggle with gossip… but not in a “oh my gosh, did you SEE those nasty shoes she was wearing today?” kind of way. More of a “did you know that so and so went to lunch with so and so and they talked about how so and so is going here and there?” It seems harmless, but it’s something I struggle with remembering NOT to do, even when it’s not negative. I’ve learned that Satan can take good intentions and turn them into a bad situation very easily, in a way that seems very harmless.

20. I refer to Satan as a sneaky little bastard sometimes. It makes me laugh. But it’s OH SO TRUE.

We have an unwanted visitor

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So far, it’s just Aidan throwing up…. but in our family, it usually makes the rounds one at a time.

I’m nervous.

In all seriousness, I FEAR being sick very much. 😕

But back to Aidan. Poor kid can’t even keep down 2 tablespoons of pedialyte and he is crying to eat oatmeal. Breaks my heart.

Normally I’m the crazy psycho who takes a sanitzer bath if I’ve just been talking to someone who was with someone sick. But with my kids, I can’t stop myself. Still hugging and kissing and cuddling them as if they were in perfect health.

So I’m pretty sure I’m next.

😕

Prayers Please??

4 days in….

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…. and I’m totally beat. Four days into my new “sleeping” schedule and I am a walking zombie. How on earth do you early risers do it?! And how long will it take my body to adjust?! So far the earliest I’ve gotten up is 5:30, and by noon I am totally, completely, out of my mind tired. Last night I went to bed at 7:30. 7:30!!! 😯 That’s not cool.  Tomorrow my alarm will be set for 5. I dread the day I have to get up at 4. Please dear Lord let it be another week or two before I have to do that. Seriously, that’s my morning prayer this week.

Coffee is out….tried that and it makes me absolutely jittery and anxious. And it was only one cup. Soda, out of the question. Gave that up (except for the occasional soda when we go out….which is starting to taste quite gross) and feel so much better for it. Today I tried some motrin and an Arbonne fizzy tab…. which is actually working. My friend gave me the fizzy tab, and does every once in a while when I’ve hit a brick wall. Thinking I’m actually going to have to BUY them now. 😆

My biggest lament about this new schedule though isn’t even the early wake up call….it’s the early bedtime, even though when it arrives I’m more than happy to sleep. I miss being able to watch a movie by myself at night after the boys go to bed! (I say “miss” like I’ve being doing this for four months as opposed to just four days!) My netflix movie came yesterday and I’m so bummed that I can’t really watch it until this weekend. Lame! However, I’m thinking of staying up til 9 so I can watch it tonight…. think I’ll regret that? Maybe.

Despite all this though, I’m excited to TRY this “working” thing again. It’s been 6 years since I’ve “worked” and with this being such a small job, I think it’ll be fun for me. I’m nervous too. Starting something new always leaves you with the thought that you might fail…. and I hate failing. So this year I am taking on three new things….all three I could fail at horribly…. so I’m a bit anxious and stressed just thinking about them. One being this job, the other being homeschooling, and the third…. I can’t publicly say yet, but if you stick around until May I can tell you then. 😉 

I’m rather excited about what this next year holds for me, even though it also holds the chance of bombing hard. I’ve started to realize that I will never do anything if I don’t start trying new things for fear of failing…. and if you know me at all….you know I fear pretty much everything, failure being pretty near the top. Part of me says “I will NOT fail! I can’t fail!” but I know that pretty much sets me up to fail for sure at that point. So, I head into these things with the knowledge that none of them are set in stone, but that I will try my best at all of them with the hopes that I do them well. Not perfect, but well.

Perfection is a whole other post all in itself. 😕

Who spilled my glass?

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On a good day, I’m the annoying chick in the middle.

On a normal day, I’m the one on the right. Most days I’m a “glass half full” kinda girl.

Today, I’m the downer on the left thinking about all things negative and wondering when my glass will get tipped over. 😕

My biopsy results came back as abnormal. Now I am referred to a dermatologist who will finish cutting out the two moles making sure to get all the edges because the edges “don’t look good.” While there I intend on having her check out the rest of my spot covered body.

My mind has bounced back and forth between “the morons at the base clinic don’t know how to read a biopsy so they are making me go elsewhere” and “they are cancerous and don’t want to be the ones to tell me so they’re sending me elsewhere.”

Both I know are extremes, but when a nurse tells you that she can’t tell you either way and that you need to see a specialist to have them look again…. you worry a bit. That, and my albino white skin doesn’t give me much hope. 😉

So, today, I’m a glass half empty girl.

Tonight though I pray that I wake up with my cup overflowing again in the morning.

I know that I have not been given anything concrete to worry about.

I know that I will see a doctor sooner rather than later.

I know that I have faithful friends who pray daily, even when I don’t ask them too.

I have friends I know I can email and they will pray that moment.

I know that if I let Him, God will give me the peace that surpasses my understanding…. surpasses my lack of knowledge at this given moment.

All those things remind me that my cup is indeed, half full.

A little humor and some brief updates

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Quick back story. I ordered a book through Amazon from a company I won’t name…. to save them SOME embarrassement. Rest assured though, I gave them a VERY poor rating.  About two weeks after I ordered that book, I ordered two more from other companies, also through Amazon. Those books arrived within a week….still I did not have the first book. So, I sent them an email asking where my book was. TECHNICALLY I still had a week before the latest date it could arrive, so they suggested I wait a week and then see. If it had still not arrived they would refund me. Apparently the company they ship with “does this on occasion.”  😕 I had initially said “actually, I really want the book so instead of a refund could you just attempt to send one again?” Well, I changed my mind a  week later after thinking about it a bit more. When the book STILL had not arrived, here is the email I sent them…. and their reply. 😯

Hello,

I emailed you previously about the book I ordered and you suggested I wait until the 12th to see if it had yet arrived. Today is the 15th of March and it’s still not here. You suggested a refund before which is fine. I decided I don’t want to take my chances on you trying to send it again considering you said the company you ship with does this on occasion. Have you considered shipping with a different company? Sorry this didn’t work out, I’ll try and order elsewhere.

Thank You,
Brandy Hawkins
Order ID: 104-5127325-1829033
1 of What Your Child Needs to Know When

Here is their reply:

Okay. We have refunded your order.  poop.

POOP?!  Is it customary to end your BUSINESS EMAILS with POOP?! 😆

I sent this to a friend and she couldn’t even get through reading it without ending up in tears from laughing so hard. She was trying to read it to her husband. After about the third attempt he finally just read it himself. HILARIOUS. I tried telling Jake about it, and his response was “Poop? You mean, like CRAP?” 😕 

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Where have I been you might ask? Well, some of you have asked, so I assume all who come here thinking they are stealth (I see you on my dashboard, yes I do!) are also wondering.

I’ve been busy, basically. I got a job. Two jobs sort of. One pays, one doesn’t. 😉 More about the one that doesn’t at a later time. The one that pays…. I applied at the coffee shop on base and got it. Why did I apply? Because I really miss working in a coffee shop actually. I’m not doing it for money (although the money will help when I start needing to buy homeschool books and supplies) or for “me time.” I just like the work. And they were hiring. So I thought “eh, why not?” We have the understanding though that if it doesn’t benefit our family, I’ll quit. Meaning, if the boys need to go elsewhere more often than maybe once or twice, I won’t do it. It works because Jake is home in the mornings, so I said I can ONLY work mornings.

Are you catching on?

They open at 5:30. That means I’ll be getting my butt that likes to sleep in up at 4am. So, I’m trying to acclimate myself before I actually start (next week). Today was 5:45. Tomorrow will be 5:30…. and so on. Early bedtimes are looking more glorious each day!

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I know I still need to blog about how Jake came about on his decision to let us do homeschool next year. I promise, it’s coming.  For now, I will just say that the book So You’re Thinking About Homeschooling was a godsend and spoke more to Jake in 30 minutes of reading two chapters than I did in four years of nagging. I will ALSO say that it was a great lesson to me in being submissive to my husband, putting my trust in God, allowing God’s peace to live through me because I had the assurance that this would come to fruition…I just had to wait on God’s timing… and taught me the beauty of being humble and meek when my entire self fought against that.

Once again, looking back at a time that brought me anguish and heartache at times, I see God’s hand it in. When will I REALLY learn?? 😉

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And that’s all I have time for now. Kiddos are starting to wake up. I hear their feet upstairs. 😆

I’ll leave you with this video a friend of mine suggested to me about homeschoolers. It is HILARIOUS! I was laughing through the entire thing! 😆 

 

 

I’m Sorry….

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….for everytime I lived my life contrary to what I believe

for the times when my overinterest in someone gave way to gossip

for the inner thoughts I had about being better than someone because I made “better” choices in my own mind

for not being gracious because I thought our paths would never cross again

for forgetting that He loves you too and is working on you just like He’s working on me

for not telling you about Him and offering you something life giving when I saw your need

for not speaking up when I witnessed wrong doing

for acting in a way that left you questioning who I really was and what I really believed in

for ignoring the nudge to embrace you and ask how your day is….

…. I am guilty of all these things and more.

I have been heavily convicted in my heart the last few weeks about all of these things. It has made me more mindful of how I am viewed by others, and therefore how God in my life is portrayed by myself and my actions… or inactions.

I’ve always hated the phrase “when you know better, you do better” because I know it’s true…. and I naturally have a hard time doing what I know I should do as opposed to what I want to do.

I sense a big time of change ahead for me. Mostly change in my character and how I choose to live my life…. seen and unseen.