Back in December Jake scheduled (tentatively) our trip home to Oregon for July of this year. For 7 months it’s been all we’ve clung to, to get us through the end of winter (which was last month HA!). It’s our main topic of conversation. Our main focus…. the reward after 15 months of missing our parents and grandparents and nieces and sister and brother and friends and…. you get the idea. 😉 It’s been “all we’ve lived for” so to say. Consumed our every thought.
Earlier this month we were getting the run around on Jake’s Leave to go home. “Suddenly” all of these ISSUES were coming up that would in the end prevent us from going home. I won’t go into details becuase it’s a LOT of military mumbo jumbo that is hard to explain and would inevitably leave you scratching your head wondering WHY we have chosen this way of life. The important thing to know is that all of these things were not normal to have come up all at once. It was throwing us for a HUGE loop, and we were not happy about it. In fact, behind closed doors (and eventually out in the open) we were devestated by it. There were SO MANY things we were looking forward to. Visits with family, friends, going to eat at our favorite places, enjoying drinks with friends at local bars (we’re smart people, no worries), going to the coast, camping, just going home to ENJOY ourselves and our loved ones. Like I stated before…. it consumed our every thought. These issues got to be so big we were starting to see the door close on our trip home. To say we were disappointed was a gross understatement.
I ranted and raved. Jake yelled and threatened certain action if we didn’t get to go. Heck, I threatened action of my own…. all out of selfish anger. We were being told NO and we didn’t like it. After all, we DESERVED this trip. After divulging MUCH of my heart in a counseling session (yep…. counseling due to stress from his job… for both of us together to learn how to COPE) and later that night in emails to a friend, I went to bed with a heavy heavy heart scared for what news Jake would bring home the next morning (he’s working nights). I was fully prepared, and already depressed, for news that we would in fact NOT be going home in July. My heart mourned for the tight clutch of my moms hug and the smell of granny’s skin. I cried at the thought of another year gone by not seeing my nieces. I fell asleep pleading to God.
I woke up the next morning to Jake bearing BAD news. As far as he had been told at work, we may as well put our suitcases away and prepare to stay home…. it was not looking good. As he told me this, my heart felt different though. I was not freaking out. I was not crying. I was not mourning any loss. I was at total and complete PEACE. Peace that passed ALLLLL understanding. Peace I did not have the night before. Peace we had not had in a couple of weeks about this trip. And my peace wasn’t because of good news. My peace was about feeling security, that God was in the midst of these decisions. I just laid there and listening to Jake spill out all of this horrible and unbelievable issues that kept coming up. I mean, seriously people, it was ridiculous the amount of stuff standing in our way. SO ridiculous in fact that it only made sense one way….. God was behind it. 100% behind it.
Plain and simple, we were not meant to go home. I knew it right then with every fiber of my faith, we were not meant to go home. I told Jake my feelings on the matter…. that all of these things were dang near impossible to seriously be happening to us all at once (boring details I’m sparing you) and that the ONLY way it made any sense was that God was behind it. Orchestrating it in such a manner that it would prevent us from going. Jake was not pleased with my explaination. Understandably he was wounded and did not want to think that NOT going was best for him. I told him that if God did not want us to go there was no way I would push it any further. If that was His will for us at this time, then so be it. Even if it means sacrifice. Again, who am I to stand in God’s way? I would hate to challenge Him and be wrong.
I spent the rest of my day completely at peace. That night the boys and I prayed that whatever God’s will was, that He would mold our hearts accordingly. I explained everything to them in a manner that they could understand, and they still prayed with me. There was not an ounce of selfishness in them in those moments. I went to bed telling God what my heart wanted, but also surrending the decision ultimately to him. I prayed for Jake’s chain of command…. that they would have soft hearts where hard hearts had previously been concerning this trip. I fell asleep completely at peace.
The next morning Jake came bounding into our room (yes, bounding) and had the look of absolute happiness on his face. ONE HOUR before he got home that morning, his “bosses” (it’s easier than remembering rank LOL!) came to him with a change of heart, a change of opinion, a change of expectation, and granted him permission to persue his Leave. It was as if God Himself kissed me on the forehead and said “GO.”
No matter the circumstances, no matter the cost, I will always go Your way Lord.
I am so thankful that I trust in a God that I know has my best interest in His will, even if it means depriving me of something I want. Isn’t that ultimately the job of a loving Father?
I pray that I always keep this lesson in mind, and rest in peace that passes all understanding….. even when our circumstances are not to be understood.
Over the course of my life I see that God teaches me the same lesson over and over again but in different ways. Always put HIM first. Always have HIM consume my every thought. Always cling to HIM alone. Always put my hopes in HIM and nothing else. Not in a person. Not in a trip. I would hope I’d never have to be taught this lesson again, but realistically…. I know I will need to be reminded at some point. I just wonder how He will teach the next lesson? And will I catch on sooner and not waste so much time being negative??