I am not skinny
I am not tall
I am not tan
I do not have long hair
I am not that pretty
My skin sags in places it never did before
I am starting to get wrinkles around my eyes
I dress for practicality most days because most days I am covered in food, spit up, spilled drinks, smudged food, snot, tears, and drool
I have short hair and a double chin when I smile big
I have a body that has carried life inside of it three times
I have birthed a wonderful whole new person three times
I have blue eyes and naturally red hair
I am short
I have fair skin – so fair that the winter sun gives me freckles
I am not perfect
I am real
I am a mother
I am a wife
I am a daughter, a granddaughter, a sister, a friend
I am real
I am not old, but I am not a teenage girl anymore either
I have loved and been hurt, and hurt in return
I am self conscious and afraid
I am embarrassed to be me
I do not trust easily
I am loyal
I am not a super model
I am not Martha Stewart
I am me
I am real
I am hurting
The girl who wrote this was broken and hurting. I don’t remember the exact date that I wrote it, because the paper I found it on didn’t have a date. But I do remember the time of life it was. The minute I started reading I was thrust back to a moment, a moment when I felt so small and so worthless. I remember that in my head all of these negative things about myself were swirling around faster than I could process. So I wrote it out. And as I wrote, I found myself also writing down good things, things I was proud of. Things that made me feel good about myself.
“I have a body that has carried life inside of it three times….”
“I have blue eyes and naturally red hair….”
“I am a mother…”
“I am loyal….”
I remember such a release when I was done writing this. It was after Owen was born, before we moved to Minot. Dark times in my life.
I am so glad we are past that phase of life.
Funny thing about being broken and hurting…. God is the ultimate Healer and Redeemer. Where the scars from this time in life are, I also bear the signs healing and grace and forgiveness.
It reminds me to rejoice in hard times because I know the lessons God can bring out of them.
I need this reminder often.