Broken and Hurting

I am not skinny

I am not tall

I am not tan

I do not have long hair

I am not that pretty

My skin sags in places it never did before

I am starting to get wrinkles around my eyes

I dress for practicality most days because most days I am covered in food, spit up, spilled drinks, smudged food, snot, tears, and drool

I have short hair and a double chin when I smile big

I have a body that has carried life inside of it three times

I have birthed a wonderful whole new person three times

I have blue eyes and naturally red hair

I am short

I have fair skin – so fair that the winter sun gives me freckles

I am not perfect

I am real

I am a mother

I am a wife

I am a daughter, a granddaughter, a sister, a friend

I am real

I am not old, but I am not a teenage girl anymore either

I have loved and been hurt, and hurt in return

I am self conscious and afraid

I am embarrassed to be me

I do not trust easily

I am loyal

I am not a super model

I am not Martha Stewart

I am me

I am real

I am hurting

The girl who wrote this was broken and hurting. I don’t remember the exact date that I wrote it, because the paper I found it on didn’t have a date. But I do remember the time of life it was. The minute I started reading I was thrust back to a moment, a moment when I felt so small and so worthless. I remember that in my head all of these negative things about myself were swirling around  faster than I could process. So I wrote it out. And as I wrote, I found myself also writing down good things, things I was proud of. Things that made me feel good about myself.

 “I have a body that has carried life inside of it three times….”

“I have blue eyes and naturally red hair….”

“I am a mother…”

“I am loyal….”

I remember such a release when I was done writing this. It was after Owen was born, before we moved to Minot. Dark times in my life.

I am so glad we are past that phase of life.

Funny thing about being broken and hurting…. God is the ultimate Healer and Redeemer. Where the scars from this time in life are, I also bear the signs healing and grace and forgiveness.

It reminds me to rejoice in hard times because I know the lessons God can bring out of them.

I need this reminder often.

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A Family Affair

From the very first signs of a cold in our house…. I know we’ll all be down for the count for no less than a week. Usually it’s about 2 weeks from the first one to fall to the last.

And the timing for this round couldn’t be worse! We’re in the middle of an amazing week of warm weather…. uncharacteristically warm weather. It’s been in the 80’s some days! This after a couple weeks that didn’t make it out of the 40’s. I would love to be out enjoying the sunshine, letting my kids play in sprinklers, and getting their last little bit of energy out before our long winter sets in. Last little bit of energy?? I’m sorry…. they never have a LAST little bit of energy. But I’d rather they be outside than in! 😉

I woke up not feeling so hot, but after slopping together a fast snack like breakfast and setting all the kids up on the couch with a movie, I went back to bed. I won’t even tell you how late I slept. Then after lunch we all went back to bed. Apparently I slept so hard I never knew Jake came home and let the older two out of their rooms. Good thing because apparently I needed the sleep!

Now to make dinner for everyone and go back to bed shortly thereafter. Hopefully this won’t amount to what it usually does and I can kick it before it really begins! If only the boys would start showing signs of getting over it soon. *sigh* I hate when they’re sick.

The long winters I can handle. Cold and flu season….. not so much. 😐

True Colors Shining Through?

For our last MOPS meeting we had the moms take a True Colors Personality Assessment. Quite interesting. I took it after since I worked in a room and the results BUGGED me. They still do.

Almost everyone I know thought I’d be a Gold. I knew I’d be a Blue even though I didn’t want to be a Blue. Blue annoys me. Mostly because I annoy myself. Other Blues don’t bug me so much (okay, yes, sometimes they do b/c I notice things about myself in them) but I.DO.NOT.WANT.TO.BE.A.BLUE.

What’s a Blue you ask?

NURTURER BLUE

• Sensitive To Needs Of Others.
• Sincere. Expresses Appreciation.
• Cooperative. Collaborative. Creative.
• Caring. Team Builder And Player.
• People Person. Engages Others.
• Artistic. Inspirational. Spiritual.
• Inclusive. Mediator. Peacemaker.
• Idealistic. Intuitive. Romantic. Loyal.
• Seeks Unity And Harmony. Caretaker.

And what’s a Gold?

TRADITIONAL GOLD

• Respects Authority Rules, Routines, Policies.
• Alligant, Faithful, Dependable, Prepared, Efficient.
• Remembers The Traditions That Work. Values Family.
• Work Comes Before Play. Practical. Systematic. Orderly.
• Identifies With Groups. Strives For A Sense Of Security.
• Thorough, Sensible, Convential, Proper.
• A Right Way To Do Everything. Stick-To-Itivness.
• Evaluates Actions As Right Or Wrong.
• Stable. Organized. Punctual. Helpful.

It confused me why so many people thought I’d be a Gold instead of a Blue. If you know me well and I’ve trusted you enough to be vulnerable around you, you know I’m Blue to the core. But I give off the Gold hoping it will compensate for the Blue parts I don’t like. Which parts don’t I like? People person, mediator, peacemaker, romantic, seeks unity and harmony, caretaker. There are other definitions that say that Blue’s are emotionally driven and make choices based on emotions. I don’t like that either.

So in my efforts to NOT be so…… BLUE…… I come across as Gold. Pretty much everything that equates to Gold I admire, so I strive for that. And it’s not true to me. Being GOLD on the outside when I’m BLUE on the inside leaves me…. mixed up. hurt. misunderstood. confused.

Why have I done this?

Blue’s don’t get respect as much as Gold’s do.

Blue’s make irrational choices based on feelings.

Blue’s tend to bend over backwards to accomodate others. Gold’s don’t.

Blue’s are called Drama Queen’s and are seen as overly emotional and can’t control themselves.

Blue’s are NEVER taken seriously and have to work harder in order to be.

I hate being BLUE.

But dang it, being treated like I’m Gold hasn’t been good for my Blue heart.

(sorry for speaking in color codes! ha!)

Words To Live By

 

Lately, I’ve been feeling

doubtful

sad

yes even hateful at times

As recently as this morning I’ve sought to be consoled

My heart has been heavy.

And then I read this:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred…let me sow love.
Where there is injury…pardon.
Where there is doubt…faith.
Where there is despair…hope.
Where there is darkness…light
Where there is sadness…joy.
Oh Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled…as to console.
To be understood…as to understand.
To be loved…as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned.
It is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

St. Francis of Assissi

We’ve all read this before (right?!)….

I know I have read it and heard it a hundred times.

But reading it when you feel like I’ve felt

gives it new weight

on my heart.

 

One thing I did today….

Watched this video on Spirit Television…. non stop Christian music videos all day. It’s like the radio, but better! 😉

Anyway, I was walking into the room for something, and noticed the video more than the song. I’ve heard the song a thousand times (thank you certain radio stations for your small selection) but never paid THAT MUCH attention to the words. Until I saw the video.

And I cried.

Sat there with tears in my eyes wondering how often I’ve been part of that group that doesn’t notice. Wondered how often I’ve been that one that has noticed and said something. My bet is I’ve been one more than the other.

Music doesn’t speak to everyone the same way. For me though, it’s more powerful than a Sunday sermon at times.

There are some who say certain “christian bands” are cheesy, or lack real musical talent. I say you can’t underestimate what God can do even through the “cheese.” If it speaks to someone’s heart in any way, then it’s beneficial.

DOES ANYBODY HEAR HER

She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying but the canyon’s ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She’s another two years older
And she’s three more steps behind

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she’s going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that’s tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

She is yearning for shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching for a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she’s going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that’s tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

If judgment looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can’t see past her scarlet letter
And we’ve never even met her

If judgment looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can’t see past her scarlet letter
And we’ve never even met her
Never even met her, never even met her

Does anybody hear her? Does anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she’s going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that’s tucked away in you and me

Does anybody hear her? Does anybody see?
Does anybody even know she’s going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that’s tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Does anybody see?

He is running a hundred miles an hour
In the wrong direction

STUFF

My mind is sort of a swirl of STUFF the last few days.

STUFF that needs to be done.

STUFF I need to get in order for STUFF to be done.

STUFF I need to get rid of.

STUFF I am waiting on that I wish would hurry and get here. I’m not a fan of waiting.

See, STUFF. And thats just a little bit of STUFF.

On the bright side, I took my own advice and scaled back a little on some STUFF. Whether it’s good or bad or otherwise I don’t know….. all I know is that I now have less STUFF on my plate.

STUFF. *sigh*

So why do I feel…… I don’t know…. like I should be doing more. It’s crazy right?! For some reason we buy into this idea that if we’re not constantly busy with THINGS and STUFF we’re not doing enough. It’s a delicate balance, and for me, well… I was never good at the balance beam.

I need to relish in the fact that I now have a few more free days, a few more free hours, and less STUFF to worry about managing. Maybe in those “free” hours I can focus on the STUFF that actually means something to my family…..

like their clothes being all washed and put away
or the dishes being done
and dinner being made nicely
lets not forget the towels all being washed
and clean sheets on the bed
or the time to sit with the boys and do whatever they choose
and getting to bed ontime
or the option to instead hang out with Jake late one night
oh, and read a mindless book for myself

That is the kind of STUFF I would rather spend my time doing.

Then I think “How fortunate am I that I get to choose my STUFF?”

Not everyone gets to choose whether they will work or stay home.
Not everyone gets to choose to opt out of something they don’t like doing in order to do more of what they do like doing.
Not everyone gets to spend their entire day with their family (and not everyone wants to).

So, no matter my STUFF, I am lucky girl and hope I never forget it or take it for granted.

Weekend Plans??

What are your plans for the weekend? If you’re reading this, leave a comment and tell me what your big (or little) plans are.

Mine? Laundry. Lots of it. Also, I hope to stay off of here ALL WEEKEND LONG. I might even turn off my computer. *gasp*

Oh, and going with Jake to buy him some NEW CLOTHES….that’s what happens when you lose 30lbs!!!! My man has lost 30lbs in 3 months the healthy way…. tons of working out (running) and eating better.

So, laundry…and shopping for new clothes to add to that laundry. Those are our big plans.

And yours??