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Monthly Archives: July 2009

On The Road Again…..

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Today we leave to head back to North Dakota! 😦 It will be a loooong and tiring drive but we should be back home sometime late Wednesday night/early Thursday morning. *sigh* I’m sad to be leaving our family…again.

I won’t be around ANYWHERE online much when we get b/c I never did order that new cord for my laptop. 😦 Ah well.

See ya from North Dakota next! 😉

Hard Lesson To Learn

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I’m not sure where to begin really….   except to say forgiveness FREE OF CHARGE is hard for me. Meaning, if I don’t do something to earn it, I don’t feel worthy of it. At all. And the fact that it comes so freely from my sweet Jesus is especially hard for ME to handle. Now, if I were speaking to someone else about this it would be EASY to tell them how awesome and life changing it is…. but when it comes to me, that’s something entirely different for my brain. And my heart.

This morning in church it was mentioned that you can leave whatever is troubling you at the foot of cross, lay it down for Jesus to carry, and walk away with NO MORE GUILT, just free and clear forgiveness. I can’t handle that sometimes. Especially when I have a LOT of guilt for something. And dang did I have a lot of guilt this morning. A lot. My heart was troubled. And it wasn’t all neccessarily guilt for things I did…. however some of it was. I just had a heavy heart I guess you could say. Okay, I’ll be real…. a lot of it was for something I did that I realized later was not handled with the best judgement. It hurt no one but myself so no worries there. No one to apologize to….. nothing to do about it…. except take it to Jesus and walk away forgiven. But even still, I found it hard on my heart to do that. I wanted to DO something to earn the forgiveness. I hate hand outs. A LOT. And I felt unworthy. It is important for me to feel like I earned what I am receiving. Dang. It’s hard.

While I was thinking about all of this stuff in church this morning I started thinking about my kids. When they have done something wrong and I forgive them, I don’t want them walking around feeling sad and upset about it after that. I want them to go and be happy and play and be kids. I don’t want them to try to prove their worth to me because to me they are priceless….proving their worth would be pointless. It isn’t needed. My forgiveness is not based on anything other than I LOVE THEM WITH MY WHOLE HEART.

Jesus loves me. He WANTS to forgive me out of His love FOR ME. Not because I have proven my worth to Him. Not because I have done something earn it. Just because He loves me and wants me to go and and be happy and live my life in the comfort of Him and His forgiveness…. knowing that even though I messed up, He is still there, just as I am there for my boys no matter how they mess up. It would break my heart to see them wallow in sadness and self pity the way I do when coming before Jesus with the weight of my heart. I can only imagine what it does to the heart of my God…..

Lessons like these make me so thankful for being a mommy. And I love that God speaks to me through them.

The Answer To The Questions….

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“So are you guys happy there?”

“Do you LIKE where you live?”

“How’s Minot? Do you hate it?”

“How do you feel about living in North Dakota?

“WHY are you living there again? Are you happy?”

Okay, these questions are being asked A LOT. Naturally of course. People are concerned and want to know how we’re holding up and if we are okay. Everytime I answer honestly and say that it’s “not that bad, we enjoy it for the most part, I’m thankfull I have friends there now, the area is nice….” and so on and so on.

Last night I laid in bed and thought that my answer needs to be different. While YES those are legitimate answers, they aren’t the REAL reason. The REAL reason is why I am able to give THOSE answers.

God placed us where we are. He put us in Minot North Dakota. And I’m happy with that. And because I know He has us there for a reason, I can be happy about the rest of it. I am able to open up and be okay with where we live because I know Who placed us there. I am content. He is taking care of me, of our family, so I am content in where we are physically.

And that’s that. 😉