So I’ve told a few of you bloggy friends a secret I have. Well, it’s not really a secret, it’s just that the time to talk about it has never really presented itself. I never felt the need or want to blog about it really, until now. I’ve actually been stewing over this post for several days because I needed to process some things, and of course everything is processed in my head via blog thinking. 😆 It’s nothing big really, just something about me I’ve not talked much about.
This month marks a year I’ve been on my anti-depressant medication. Yes me, the blogger that uses too many 😀 in her posts and comments. 😆 See, there I go again. 😉 Oops, and again.
The last several weeks have been kind of hard for me and it’s showing in my moods and the condition of life around me. I know enough about me and my own depression to know when my medication just isn’t cutting it anymore. I needed to up my dosage. I am free to do this (promise), since it is such a small difference, but anymore and I need to consult my doctor. Well, a NEW doctor because my old doctor is in Oregon. I am not looking forward to consulting a new doctor. That means rehashing everything. I was upset last night on the way home from town and I let it all loose on Jake. Nothing bad, just rambled on and on about the anxiety I’ve been facing and thoughts I’ve been having.
Bottom line is I am mad. I am mad that I needed a slightly larger dosage. I am mad that I might need to up it in the future, as is sometimes the case with anti-depressant medication. I am mad that I can’t enjoy a “night cap” with Jake without it reacting with my medication. I am mad that me without the medication is someone I don’t know….and that always makes me wonder if that is really me. If that is the real me, I don’t like her. She is lazy and tired and mad and anxious and impatient and just a downright snob. That’s not the me I used to be. But without my trusty pills, it is me, if you can figure that out. 😉
As mad as I am that I feel like a slave to my medication, I am grateful for it in my rational times. I am grateful because it allows me to be a better mom, a better wife, a better person. There are a lot of opinions out there about medication for depression. OPINIONS. Unless you’ve walked that road with no other options, it’s hard to know what it’s like on this side of it. The biggest opinion is that it’s not a “Christian” thing to be depressed. I am here to tell you friends, depression doesn’t discriminate. It’s an equal opportunity destroyer.
I don’t hide the fact that I take medication for depression, but I am careful when/where I decide to let it be known. But today, this week, I felt the urging to share. 😉
Is there something you have been holding back? Something that could maybe help others?