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Me vs. Me

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So I’ve told a few of you bloggy friends a secret I have. Well, it’s not really a secret, it’s just that the time to talk about it has never really presented itself. I never felt the need or want to blog about it really, until now. I’ve actually been stewing over this post for several days because I needed to process some things, and of course everything is processed in my head via blog thinking. πŸ˜† It’s nothing big really, just something about me I’ve not talked much about.

This month marks a year I’ve been on my anti-depressant medication. Yes me, the blogger that uses too many πŸ˜€ in her posts and comments. πŸ˜† See, there I go again. πŸ˜‰ Oops, and again.

The last several weeks have been kind of hard for me and it’s showing in my moods and the condition of life around me. I know enough about me and my own depression to know when my medication just isn’t cutting it anymore. I needed to up my dosage. I am free to do this (promise), since it is such a small difference, but anymore and I need to consult my doctor. Well, a NEW doctor because my old doctor is in Oregon. I am not looking forward to consulting a new doctor. That means rehashing everything. I was upset last night on the way home from town and I let it all loose on Jake. Nothing bad, just rambled on and on about the anxiety I’ve been facing and thoughts I’ve been having.

Bottom line is I am mad. I am mad that I needed a slightly larger dosage. I am mad that I might need to up it in the future, as is sometimes the case with anti-depressant medication. I am mad that I can’t enjoy a “night cap” with Jake without it reacting with my medication. I am mad that me without the medication is someone I don’t know….and that always makes me wonder if that is really me. If that is the real me, I don’t like her. She is lazy and tired and mad and anxious and impatient and just a downright snob. That’s not the me I used to be. But without my trusty pills, it is me, if you can figure that out. πŸ˜‰

As mad as I am that I feel like a slave to my medication, I am grateful for it in my rational times. I am grateful because it allows me to be a better mom, a better wife, a better person. There are a lot of opinions out there about medication for depression. OPINIONS. Unless you’ve walked that road with no other options, it’s hard to know what it’s like on this side of it. The biggest opinion is that it’s not a “Christian” thing to be depressed. I am here to tell you friends, depression doesn’t discriminate. It’s an equal opportunity destroyer.

I don’t hide the fact that I take medication for depression, but I am careful when/where I decide to let it be known. But today, this week, I felt the urging to share. πŸ˜‰

Is there something you have been holding back? Something that could maybe help others?


22 responses »

  1. Good job with this. Proud of you for sharing. really

  2. Yeah! I love real people!! Thanks for sharing!

    “Unless you’ve walked that road with no other options, it’s hard to know what it’s like on this side of it. The biggest opinion is that it’s not a β€œChristian” thing to be depressed. I am here to tell you friends, depression doesn’t discriminate. It’s an equal opportunity destroyer.”

    David, in the bible, was up and down in his emotions, etc. God uses real people like David the psalmist, the king, the man after God’s own heart, and He uses you! πŸ™‚

  3. Brandy, very well written. Thanks for sharing.

    Taking medication does suck, but I saw the alternative with my father, who dealt with his depression by sitting on a couch all day staring into space.

    I have been severely depressed twice in my life. I tried suicide the first time and alcohol the second. You choice is a much better one.

  4. Brandy, I love you!!! you are soooo my girl! Did you know that Sheila Walsh from woman of faith, also has this same problem…and yes also must take a pill everyday…for the rest of her life…she has some very good books out…if about her struggle with it…

    So if I say “did you take your pill?” you will not be offended, K? and you can reply…”why darla do you need one? πŸ™‚

  5. Hugs!

    I know the challenges you face with this…and I know a lot of the reasons it bugs you. I’m sorry for it.

    And I think there’s always something holding everyone back. I’m just very sure none of mine can help anyone else! LOL!

    Call me soon!

  6. No judgment here Brandy!! Sometimes I think I should be on an “anti bitch” pill!!!! And I am ALWAYS tired, but I think it’s because I need to get up off my lazy but and exercise and I think for the most part, the inner bitch that comes out (mostly around Dan) is controllable. For a while there a few months back I thought I was going crazy and then I decided to hand it all over to God and I would repeat to myself (as often as necessary) “Slow to anger, quick to love” like in the Bible. It really helped me and I think I need to repeat that to myself more, because for me it’s does seem to be the “anti bitch” pill. And if it’s any help, I know there are SO many people on anti depressants, your not alone. One of my friends is in a postpartum depression support group that they have at our hospital, maybe check out something like that or something on line. I will be praying that everything goes well with your Dr. Love ya!!

  7. I’ve been taking anti-depressants since… February I think. It’s been wonderful.
    I understand your frustration- I didn’t even know you shouldn’t really have caffeine while taking A.D. At least the ones I’m on.

    I’m sorry it’s aggravating, but I also rejoice with you, being on this side- seeing the difference, knowing that without it, I’d be lazy and grumpy and without a lot of hope.

    We need to keep explaining that depression is treatable, and it’s OK to take a pill to help you. Too many Christians back out of getting help for fear of looking like they’re possessed by demons, or sinning so much that God has turned His back on them, hence their suffering.
    (these are LIES)

    Thanks for being courageous.

  8. Oh, Brandy!!

    Do the similarities ever cease? πŸ˜‰

    I hear you. I know exactly what you’re going through. When I was 25 and first taking anit-depressants, my mentor let me know she was scared to death for me. “What will happen when you’re 40 if you’ve started so early needing drugs!?” I think that was the last bit of advice I took from her.

    I’m 46 and I still take anti-depressants. I’m in a much better place than I would have been without them. Yes, I was suicidal and can quickly want that way out when I’m not on medication. I see it as a life-saver. Obviously, the chemicals are just not there without the meds. Just as a diabetic needs insulin, some of us need neurotransmitters added to our chemistry.

    I love you, Bran!!! You are real. Real is fabulous!!!


  9. Mandy: thank you! πŸ˜€

    Selena: thanks! You are right, God can use this as well. πŸ˜‰

    Ed: that sitting on the couch all day staring into space….is exactly what I was doing. Which didn’t help my anxiety either. I’d sit and my mind would just race with thoughts. It was very overwhelming. I was never suicidal, but I must say I do like the liquor from time to time. πŸ˜‰ haha! Moderation, moderation… unfortunately it does not mix well with anti-depressants.

    Darla, I would laugh hysterically if you said that to me! hahaha! I call them my happy pills, my crazy pills, whatever is fitting for the day. πŸ˜† I will be looking up Sheila Walsh.

    Toni, thank you. ♥ I think you know more than anyone. πŸ˜‰

    Faith, love what you had to say! thank you. πŸ˜€

    Becca, I totally forgot to mention the caffeine in my post. I have noticed that makes a difference for me as well. I can have some, but definately needs to be in moderation or else I get very antsy, almost paranoid. I tell Jake often that I feel the need to pace. πŸ˜† haha! I talked to someone yesterday morning who has a friend that is clearly in need of medical intervention for depression and her excuse was “but I’m a Christian.” This is such an awful lie that has spread so badly. Your last paragraph was perfect. thank you!

    Michelle Michelle Michelle πŸ˜€
    I have had some worry about starting medication so young, because realistically, I know I will probably have to be on it my whole life now at this point. I mean, even if I don’t, it’s better to prepare myself just in case I do. ya know? And yes, the chemicals are just NOT THERE without medication. Likening it a diabetic is a perfect way to explain it to people. I have heard it explained that way many times, and it is so true.

    Thanks everyone for your comments!! πŸ˜€

  10. i love secrets! πŸ˜‰ but you are right, it’s not really a secret, it’s real life. it’s a reality to many people!

    and i think you are so sweet for sharing it!

  11. Wanita, it’s a secret if I let it be, and then it’s “deep dark secret.” People make the mistake of being ashamed of it and really, like you say, it’s reality to MANY people.

    thank you!

  12. Well, you know how I feel about this. Medication is an amazing tool to help us when we are in need. If you are the real Brandy on meds(and I believe you are), than you better take them, or I am going to come out there and force feed them to you. Cause, I prefer the real Brandy πŸ™‚

  13. so if I quit taking them you’ll come out here? πŸ˜†

    Thanks B! πŸ˜€

  14. Oh, Brandy! This is what keeps me coming back to read your blog. I love that you are so open and honest.

    Boy, oh, boy do I have something that has been holding me back. I would be willing to share with you but I am not sure I am quite ready to post it for all of blog world to read! I will get there someday, though.

  15. I am so glad I ventured over here today. I’m sorry I’ve been incognito but you know where I’m at and how it’s been.

    Depression? Yeah that is where I’m at now. I don’t believe Christians don’t get depressed. Like someone said above, David was depressed. Job most definitely was depressed. So was Joseph and Abraham at some point. It may have been a season of that but it existed. They just didn’t call it that at the time [weary souls?].

    I have to admit I’m scared to take anti depressants. Not because I look down on them but because I’m scared that they won’t make the pain of Daddy’s death go away. Nothing tangible will. So I smoke cigarettes instead which isn’t helping me much because it’s impacting my physical health.

    I have come to a place where I’m open to seeing a therapist. Maybe that’s the first step in becoming more educated about medication etc?

    Thank you for your honesty….I love you….

  16. @ Gchyayles: Sorry to butt in here, since it’s not even my blog.

    Therapists know quite a bit about anti-depressants, and patron’s fears about them. Of course psychiatrists know the most in terms of the physiological side effects and what to prescribe best based on what you’re dealing with, but counselors know and understand why people think it’s scary.
    1. what if they…change me?
    2. Will I have to take them forever? (not always)
    3. Will I gain weight? Lose weight? What kind of side effects will I see happen?
    4. What will other people say if I start taking “crazy pills”?

    Really, you’ll be taking stabilizers- an added component that’s already found in your body, you’re just giving the brain some more.

    But talk out all of those things- that will really help you when/ if that’s the route you decide to take.

  17. What an awesome post.

    I’ve been taking my blue little pill every day since my stroke.

    Brandy.. thank you in speaking out..

    I love you girl.. so much

  18. Hi, girlie… just spending some time reading your blog and I wanted to say that (even though I don’t actually know you) I’m so proud of you for choosing your own health, happiness and the happiness of your family over others’ opinions.

    My mom has struggled with depression that got really bad when I was in high school. She was a totally different parent to me than my siblings, and eventually got on meds that helped considerably. Once she came to terms with needing the help and finding the right medication, she told everyone… because she said her biggest regret was not doing it when we were younger because she would have enjoyed her children so much more.

    You do whatever you have to do to be the best you. And I’ll be happy to take on anyone who tells you different. πŸ™‚

  19. I saw this post and wanted to respond. I like that you are real and transparent. “Me” has been pretending I am perfect. Ha the truth is the people around me know that. But the more I allow myself to fail and admit my unrealistic expectation of perfection in myself and then others, the more free my heart becomes. And it helps others to understand me more and it helps my relationships with others to deepen and grow. I don’t know… if that makes any sense πŸ™‚

  20. thank you for this post, brandy. i am so proud of you, in ways i don’t have words for.

    i’m gonna email you. again!

  21. Pingback: Cause & Effect « MY DAO DAYS

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