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Hard Pill To Swallow….

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Had a not so great revelation today.

I really DO struggle with depression. I mean, I knew that I did to some degree, but I thought it was more circumstantial than anything….. and lessย physical and mental. But it’s not. Let’s back up…..

Round 1 – Pregnant with Owen. Winter of 2006. I knew something wasn’t right when I was neglecting Aidan and Dylan and foung myself literally HATING them and Jake. It was like those stories you read about, only I didn’t want to kill them. I just wanted to leave them on my moms doorstep and run far far away. And when I say hate…. I mean HATE in every sense of the word. I hated their laughter, their talking, their crying, their needing any amount of attention at all. I laid around all day crying. I screamed my head off almost nonstop. It went beyond pregnancy hormones. Luckily, by mid-pregnancy and with A LOT of help from family, it subsided. I finished out the pregnancy without any other issues. My OB said that 30% of women suffer severe depression DURING a pregnancy rather than after. It was a horrifying time.

Round 2 – After I had Owen I did a 180…. became OBSESSED with my children. Like, OCD obsessed. I would waste hours checking on them at night making sure they were alive. They couldn’t be out of my site without a panic attack resulting. Jake took the older boys camping while I stayed home with 1 week old Owen and I sobbed hysterically convinced that they were going to die. The next day was Owens circumcision and then I hitched a ride with my cousin to the camp ground. What genius take a one week old baby with a fresh circ camping?? A crazy one.ย  About 6 weeks after I had Owen, I went on anti-depressants. I stayed on them for about a year and a half…. then I was at the peek of my dosage and they weren’t working anymore. We had moved and I didn’t want to explain all over again why I needed them to a new doctor. It’s embarrassing enough the first time. And besides, I was fine. I thought. I quit cold turkey and went through something I can only imagine is close to a drug withdrawal…. because it basically was. Chills, shakes, neaseau, headaches, endless sleeping, hysteria, you name it. I went through it for about a week. Take care of three kids on top of that…. not the greatest week of my life. They ate a lot of pb&j and watched a lot of cartoons. After that was over, I led a pretty normal life without any boughts of depression, and when I felt myself getting “down” I quickly recognized it and took care of myself how I needed….. more sleep, better eating, more active, etc. I thought that my previous encounters with depression were purely due to pregnancies, so I thought that from here on out I’d never deal with it again. I found this old post at the beginning of when things started to change.

Round 3 – Just this past fall I could start to feel myself….. changing. For lack of a better word. I wasn’t snapping out of it as easily. I found myself sleeping A LOT. Like, just fall asleep in the middle of the day and sleep for hours sleeping. Thank God the boys are older and are basically self sufficient, because I wouldn’t realize anything until I woke up 2 hours later…. in chair, on the couch, in my bed. I wasn’t as happy, not like I normally am. But I wasn’t sad either. I just…. was different. People annoyed me. I angered easily. My patience was completely gone. Noises got to me. I lacked any desire to DO anything. I wasn’t taking care of our house. And during all this I was supposed to be homeschooling AND co-coordinating MOPS. Yeah, the pressure was mounting and my perfectionistic characteristic was caving. So, in December I went in for meds again. On one hand I knew I needed it. On the other hand, truthfully, I was disappointed that what I thoughtย was pregnancy related….. wasn’t really. Part of me still thought it was the overwhelming stress I felt I was under, and that after this MOPS year was over I could focus on one thing and the pressure would leave. So deep down, I thought this was because of outside circumstances…. not because my body was malfunctioning.

I’ve had a hard time taking my meds this time. I don’t take them regularly and when I forget, I forget for like a week. Or more. I think the last time I took a pill was 10 days ago. And yesterday I was INSANE. My friend saw it in me and said “you haven’t taken your meds have you?” NOPE. Haven’t. And today, I did everything I could think of to get motivated, and that’s when I saw it in myself again…. that lack of care. That want to just sleep. The wish that all noise would stop and I could just be alone and quiet. The body aches and fatigue. That’s an ugly mirror to look into when it affects your family. Depression isn’t just about being sad. It’s so much more…. on any given day, I can laugh and smile and have fun… but alone, I walk with a 1,000 pound weight on my shoulders and feel like I’m walking through sludge.ย 

I took one today when I remembered. Then it hit me today….. I need them more than I think. And apparently I always will. I am less stressed than I was in the fall or even in December, and I’m still acting like I was then….when I was blaming it on stress. Don’t get me wrong, stress triggers depression, but if you don’t have that tendency already…. there’s nothing to trigger. SO, as much of an advocate as I am for medicating yourself when you need to… it’s still a hard pill to swallow when you realize this will be your life.

So friends, pray for me please? To remember to take it everyday. EVERYDAY. I don’t know why it’s been so hard to remember this time, but it’s been a struggle that I clearly can’t fight on my own. ๐Ÿ˜‰

my own groundhog day

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OR WEEK.

Seems the same unfortunate things KEEP happening and have been happening for the last week, and it all involves puking. ๐Ÿ˜†

Yesterday and today it was the dog. The big dog. The big puking all over the place dog. Losing my mind here people! For a week straight someone in this house has been having episodes of vomit or worse at least once a day. And guess who gets to clean it up or tend to it or coddle the latest victim???

THAT’S RIGHT. Yours truly. ๐Ÿ˜•

And as a result, I’m not 100% better and my stomach is seriously touchy still. I don’t trust it. ๐Ÿ˜† One second I feel fine. The other, I’m running for the bathroom that has a bucket in it. I know, you’re welcome for that information. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Today though….. today was an insane ball of absolute craziness. It is almost comical how many things went wrong today…..

Dog puked in his house all over his bedding. Then puked ON MY CARPET. Dropped dinner for 7 kids….twice. Salvaged enough to feed them all. Awesome. Dropped pizza on my shirt. On my pants. On my floor. The pizza that hit the floor got trashed. Missed yoga. Planned an hour and a half for grocery shopping, got all of 40 minutes due to stupid circumstances. Fought with oldest son who somehow overnight developed the mouth and attitude of a teenage girl. Husband has a horrid stye in his eye and spend the day crying and cursing on the couch to which Dylan said “ummm, you have an AUDIENCE” in a sing song voice….now that was funny. I ate far too many oreos thanks to my seriously amped up anxiety and all around craziness today…. then proceeded to TRY and do 5 minutes of the Shred with the boys…. which resulted in the oreos making a quick and rude exit.

And that is just the highlights friends! ๐Ÿ˜†

Off to bed and hoping and praying for a better day tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This counts for Feb 28th!

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Okay. So.

AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ahhh, feel a bit better now.

That sums up my day. We started our new “family schedule” and let me just say…..

-it’s exhausting to actually not waste your time all day (ha! who knew?!)
-I have to learn to go to bed earlier because no matter what, I have to be up before everyone else and that is EARLY in my book. Maybe not in yours, but 7am to me is like death.
-when I hit my afternoon slump, I have a schedule telling me I can’t stop…which is good and bad.

All part of me striving to be LESS SELFISH and lazy in regard to my parenting and homemaking. Lord help me. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Also hoping it helps regulate Aidan a bit….. kiddo bit me through a sweatshirt so hard today and held that dang bite for a good 10 seconds…. I still have the bite marks on my shoulder and it’s STILL sensitive to the touch. yowza! Kids got some chops there.

Tomorrow, I get to go back to yoga after two weeks off….unintentionally! Excited!

Simply Too Much

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20 plates
20 bowls
35 coffee cups
20+ glasses of various sizes
10 or so plastic cups of various sizes

5 people in our family

Guess who will be purging her cabinets?

….and creating more space
….and more time
….and less work

๐Ÿ˜‰

=========

UPDATE:

So I cleaned every.single.dish we had and weeded out all we didn’t need on a daily basis. We are left with 5 bowls, 5 plates, 5 cups, 3 coffee cups.

I didn’t get rid of the other stuff, but packed it away so it can’t easily be used without making the ridiculous effort to go and get it….which would take longer than just washing a bowl or plate or cup. I also kept it in case we have company or other kiddos that need to eat here during a meal time. Already, I am feeling the benefits of it….even if it just makes me feel less stressed about the anticipation of 50+ dishes to do. I am NOT good about managing a lot of stuff and keeping it clean….. so having more than we need always ends up being a big mess. This will be our trial week to see how it goes, but I’m seriously hoping this sticks!

This method has worked well with our clothes in the past (okay, mostly the boys’ clothes) so it makes sense to me that this would be beneficial too. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Church

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Hanging out here this morning:

trflive.org

check it out!!!

New FREE Books!

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Today I got my new books in the mail from http://www.militaryonesource.com!!! And the best part is that they are free. If you are active duty or a dependant, you get 10 free books a year. I’ve already received 8.

-Eat, Pray, Love (super excited to read this!) by Elizabeth Gilbert
-The Book Thief by Markus Zusak
-Teach Your Child To Read (in just 10 minutes a day) by Sidney Ledson
-She’s Gonna Blow by Julie Ann Barnhill (saw her at the last MOPS Convention and she is HILARIOUS!)
-Incredible Edible Science by Liz Plaster and Rick Krustchinsky
-The Budget Kit 5th Edition by Judy Lawrence

and two others I can’t remember that aren’t right in front of me. ;o) I think To Kill A Mockingbird was one. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Happy Reading!

Snark anyone?

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ย 

Some people can stay longer in an hour than others can in a week. -William Dean Howells

She’s so boring you fall asleep halfway through her name. -Alan Bennett

He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue. -Andrew Lang

He couldn’t ad-lib a fart after a baked bean dinner. -Johnny Carson about Chevy Chase

===
All this and more from a hilarious new book I bought…..
The Snark Handbook: Insult Edition – Comebacks, Taunts, and Effronteries
I actually bought it for a friend but naturally I perused through it first. ๐Ÿ˜‰