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True Colors Shining Through?

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For our last MOPS meeting we had the moms take a True Colors Personality Assessment. Quite interesting. I took it after since I worked in a room and the results BUGGED me. They still do.

Almost everyone I know thought I’d be a Gold. I knew I’d be a Blue even though I didn’t want to be a Blue. Blue annoys me. Mostly because I annoy myself. Other Blues don’t bug me so much (okay, yes, sometimes they do b/c I notice things about myself in them) but I.DO.NOT.WANT.TO.BE.A.BLUE.

What’s a Blue you ask?

NURTURER BLUE

  • Sensitive To Needs Of Others.
  • Sincere. Expresses Appreciation.
  • Cooperative. Collaborative. Creative.
  • Caring. Team Builder And Player.
  • People Person. Engages Others.
  • Artistic. Inspirational. Spiritual.
  • Inclusive. Mediator. Peacemaker.
  • Idealistic. Intuitive. Romantic. Loyal.
  • Seeks Unity And Harmony. Caretaker.

And what’s a Gold?

TRADITIONAL GOLD

  • Respects Authority Rules, Routines, Policies.
  • Alligant, Faithful, Dependable, Prepared, Efficient.
  • Remembers The Traditions That Work. Values Family.
  • Work Comes Before Play. Practical. Systematic. Orderly.
  • Identifies With Groups. Strives For A Sense Of Security.
  • Thorough, Sensible, Convential, Proper.
  • A Right Way To Do Everything. Stick-To-Itivness.
  • Evaluates Actions As Right Or Wrong.
  • Stable. Organized. Punctual. Helpful.

It confused me why so many people thought I’d be a Gold instead of a Blue. If you know me well and I’ve trusted you enough to be vulnerable around you, you know I’m Blue to the core. But I give off the Gold hoping it will compensate for the Blue parts I don’t like. Which parts don’t I like? People person, mediator, peacemaker, romantic, seeks unity and harmony, caretaker. There are other definitions that say that Blue’s are emotionally driven and make choices based on emotions. I don’t like that either.

So in my efforts to NOT be so…… BLUE…… I come across as Gold. Pretty much everything that equates to Gold I admire, so I strive for that. And it’s not true to me. Being GOLD on the outside when I’m BLUE on the inside leaves me…. mixed up. hurt. misunderstood. confused.

Why have I done this?

Blue’s don’t get respect as much as Gold’s do.

Blue’s make irrational choices based on feelings.

Blue’s tend to bend over backwards to accomodate others. Gold’s don’t.

Blue’s are called Drama Queen’s and are seen as overly emotional and can’t control themselves.

Blue’s are NEVER taken seriously and have to work harder in order to be.

I hate being BLUE.

But dang it, being treated like I’m Gold hasn’t been good for my Blue heart.

(sorry for speaking in color codes! ha!)

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Defeated…..at least it feels like it.

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I’ve been a bit down in the dumps the last few days. A bit mopey, a little sappy, kinda grumpy, VERY TIRED. A few of my nearest and dearest think it’s because I’ve got a lot on my plate right now with the move and all, and that even though I’ve not really DONE anything the last several days, my mind has been racing and that can be tiring. Maybe. Maybe they are right.

I couldn’t put my finger on why I had this “defeated” feeling. I am happy that we are moving, finally. I am happy with where we are going. I think this is going to be a good move for our little family. But I am feeling a little anxiety about it. About the transition. About not being around family. About settling down. I have been sitting around STARING at my house, watching the boys destroy it piece by piece. They are lucky I’ve mustered up the energy to feed and clothe them, nevermind cleaning the place up. I think they know I am weak and they have power over me right now. πŸ˜‰ haha. I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling this way. I should be happy. I should be bouncing off the walls. I should be grateful and thankful for everything that’s happening in our life right now. But I just can’t shake this feeling. Or the wondering why I feel like it. Until tonight. When I went to bed.

A few weeks ago I had decided to try to go along with the “FLYlady” method of housekeeping. I am so unorganized and get distracted so easily (evil evil computer) and I would rather spend the day playing with the boys or staring at Owen while he tries to master crawling. πŸ˜€ I had printed out the schedules and routines. I had been researching it online. I had even shined my kitchen sink. That is the first thing you are supposed to do. I read through my print outs at night before bed trying to commit it to memory and practice it the next day. I felt like I was making progress. Until this last thursday, when I knew our lives were changing….pronto. And that is when the “funk” settled in, and I couldn’t figure out why. I still can’t explain why I am so gosh awful tired these last few days, but tonight as I laid down to bed, I figured out why I have been in a mopey mood. I saw those papers laying on my night stand and instantly my heart sank. I knew that what I was feeling defeated. I had stopped doing what I set out to do to accomplish my goals. It wasn’t setting right with me and it was affecting my days. I just didn’t put the two together. Now that I know, I need to fix it. I hate responsibility. πŸ˜‰

Another bummer, to say the least….. my mom told me tonight that my grandma might have lung cancer. WONDERfreakingFULL. Last week they thought maybe her cancer had spread to her bones. They ran tests, nope, no bone cancer. Her lymphoma checked out to be okay, nothing bad there. BUt oh wait, there’s a hot spot on her lung that “lit up like a christmas tree” that they want to biopsy. All signs point to NOT GOOD. So as I am laying in bed tonight realizing I have felt defeated these last few days, I started also thinking about my grandma. Maybe b/c I had just filled Jake in on it, but still, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Then I started crying. I was laying there crying thinking about how fast people go with lung cancer. Thinking about everyone I knew who had lung cancer and how quickly they died after getting lung cancer. I started getting sick at my stomach thinking about how we aren’t going to be here and if she has lung cancer how much time does she have left and will I be able to come home “when and if.” My mind was like a runaway train. I coudn’t stop it. I hate when that happens.

THEN, yes it gets better, THEN I start thinking about how I have been treating my family and my home. Like nothing. I have sat around and sulked b/c I can’t DO what I want to DO…which is develope a lifestyle routine around here I can live with and still have time to spend with the kids w/o worrying about what mess they are making. I tend to be a black and white person, and that along with my perfectionism (yes, messy people can be perfectionists…. it’s a long story….really it is….there’s a whole book about it) doesn’t bode well for me. I don’t like distractions, I can’t focus well with distractions. ANYTHING can be a distraction for me too. The tv, the phone, the radio, THE COMPUTER, the kids, Jake, anything. I need complete silence and NO ONE around me for me to focus on what I want done. Does this mean I have ADHD?? πŸ˜‰ haha. Seriously? Does it? πŸ˜‰ Anyway, that doesn’t bode well for me b/c I am a SAHM who should be able to cope with these things. I really should. It’s kind of my job, and I think I would be fired by now in the real world. What was the point of me telling this part??? Oh yes……. now that I have finally settled on a method to control my madness, it all gets tossed. Yes it is what we were hoping/praying/waiting for, but the timing, THE TIMING….God you are a funny funny man I tell ya. πŸ˜‰ It all gets tossed, thrown out the window, and instead of being able to focus on the routine I had layed out before me, I now have to do the opposite….ransack my house to get rid of stuff, focus on the details of moving, prepare prepare prepare….and I don’t feel like I can right now. It is overwhelming. And that makes me feel guilty.

I know I should be so grateful and on my hands and knees thanking God for taking care of this moving situation, but I find myself feeling slightly annoyed at the timing. The timing just SUCKS. I think I feel that way mostly b/c I am TERRIFIED of driving 1500 miles in the winter, and I am TERRIFIED about my grandma….oh yeah….and my mom. She’s kind of got her own CRAP going on as well that I am worried about. Divorces never turn out well and to be honest, I am worried about her and scared for her. ANd I want to be here for her, but I won’t be. 😦 That breaks my heart. 😦 I don’t want to just be a voice on the phone for her, I want to be a shoulder, a hug, a smile for her. 😦 Between my grandma and the divorce, I know she is hurting right now. And scared.
Anyway, back to the timing….. I know it is not my timing….it is God’s timing. I KNOW THAT. I KNOW THAT. I KNOW THAT. I know that with everything in me but I also fight against it. What IS IT about us that makes us fight God even when we know He is right?? HUH? I wish someone would tell me…..b/c I hate it.
I need to trust God. I need to trust His timing. I need to trust that He will take care of my grandma. I need to trust that He will be the shoulder, the voice, the smile for my mom. I need to trust that He will get us to Minot and take care of us and provide for us while we are there. I do trust Him, I just don’t trust me. Does that even make sense?? I don’t know….all I know is, I think I have “broken.” Kind of like when a fever “breaks” it’s all better from there on out. The fever has broken, you start to feel better. You peak with sickness and a high fever and then BAM, it breaks and you are on the road to a better you. I hope that is what happened tonight as I was laying in bed crying with all of these thoughts and worries and feelings running through my head. Those aren’t ALL of what has been bothering me, but they are the biggies. I think the next thing would be worrying about the boys and the move…..but that’ll come later.

If you are reading this, please pray for me. Please pray for my grandma and my mom.

For some reason I am reminded of a poem this friend I had in high school wrote.
“I need a peace Lord help me now,
I need to let go, I don’t know how.
Carry my pain, see me through,
Let it bring me closer to you.”

AMEN. Now back to bed. πŸ˜‰

Back in the (blog) saddle again!

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12:25 AM – How does this blog thing work again? It’s been so long…. Current mood: tired
I feel like a newbie blogger all over again. Where do I begin? What do I say? Will anyone even READ this word vomit?

The funny thing about blogging is that you tend to think in “blog” even when you aren’t currently blogging. It has been driving me NUTS to be blogging in my mind and have no time or access to spit it all out. Now that I am here I am blank. BLANK I tell you blank! How is this possible??? I’ll just be sproradic in my thoughts tonight I guess…. although, how is this any different than a normal day? I KNOW you were totally thinking that.

Some things have been going through my mind….

The California fires….oh.my.word. Can I just say that I sat there watching and thinking about all of those people and all of that stuff that they lost, irreplaceable stuff, and I was just so overwhelmed. All I could think about was my kids. What would I do if I was all alone and something like that happened? How would I get my kids out? What would I do? I have too many kids… KIDDING! I just don’t have enough arms. I need one more. That would be sweet. Or creepy. Anyway, watching all of that footage just made me feel so grateful for everything we have. When we got married we literally had NOTHING. Not even a bed. Jake had to go buy our first bed before I moved to Missouri. Note to self, never let Jake buy a bed w/o me there. I swear he bought a piece of concrete slab. I hated that bed. I love my bed now though. California King baby! Oh yeah. It’s funny the things you think about when you are watching someone else’s tradgedy. I just sat and looked around my house, looked at my kids while they were sleeping, looked at Jake picking his nose (KIDDING!) and just was overwhelmed with how blessed we have been and how lucky we are to even be where we are today. Not that things are perfect, oh my word no. In fact, I am sure I could find MORE to complain about than to be happy about, but seeing all of those burned down houses really put things in perpsective for me. I have been lacking perspective lately.

Having Three Boys…. what did I get myself into? AH HA HA! SERIOUSLY! I watch Dylan and Aidan wrestling and I just cringe at the anticipation I feel waiting to hear a bone snap or a see an eye roll across the floor! I was talking to my mom on the phone the other day while watching them attempt to kill each other and I said “Oh my gosh mom all they do is wrestle and beat the crap out of each other! It makes me nervous!” and she said “Brandy! You have BOYS! You’d better get used to it!” I said “I know, but it makes me so nervous!” What’s new? Something makes me nervous. Alert the media. I just think about Owen in another year and a half or so and wonder if he’ll survive the other two! Poor little fella! But really truly, I look at my three boys lately and I am just overwhelmed with how much I love them. I told Jake that I look at them and just want to cry b/c I want to hold them forever and never let them go ever. They grow so fast.

My meds….. okay so remember that blog “Oh blah dee oh blah daa life goes on…” and how I was talking about being depressed and all that jazz? Well I did call my doctor and I did get in with a therapist and I did get on meds. It was the toughest decision I think I have ever made. Seriously. I was very torn over it. I cried a lot of tears deciding if I should do this. I even sat in my OB’s office and cried to her. I cried to my pediatrician. I cried to my lactation consultant. Seriously, I cried a lot. I finally decided that I was tired of being tired and tired of being SAD all the time. Let’s just say it does get darkest before the dawn and in hindsight I see that a lot of things really did happen for a reason. Two of those things being the fact that we are not moving right now. I NEVER would have broke down and called my doctor had we gotten our orders. I just wouldn’t have. I was putting all my hope in moving, and that was wrong. Another thing was my computer. I think that if I had had access to my computer during all of this I wouldn’t have given myself the chance I needed to realign my life and priorities. I was spending way too much time online. It was my numbing drug I think. Honestly, it let me get lost when I couldn’t cope with anything else. Now that I have been on them for a while and they have kicked in, I can COMPLETELY tell the difference. I am happier. I am not a snapping at everyone around me. I can cope with a less than perfect house. Not that it doesn’t bother me still, but I can handle it a lot better. I don’t cringe when I hear my kids being kids. I don’t dread the next day. I don’t want to cry just because I woke up and am dreading the day. Now I wake up and think, “where do I start? what do I need to do?” and it doesn’t overwhelm me most days like it did before. I feel normal again. As normal as I can be. har har! heehee I still have a long way to go, and I’m continuing therapy for that, and charting my moods and days, but I am thinking more clearly and the fog is lifting. I am so grateful for that right now.

My mom and Bob…. they are getting a divorce and really I am surprised at how this is affecting me. I really am sad about this. I hadn’t been letting myself think about it before b/c really I don’t think I could emotionally handle it before, but now, I’ve been thinking about it and I don’t like it. It makes me sad. Already I find myself not liking whoever my mom would choose to date after the divorce. How “ten years old” is that?! I am sad to think about the house that I basically grew up in not being there anymore for me to call “home.” Even though Bob and I aren’t “tight” I did find comfort in seeing him around the house and just knowing that he was there. I didn’t always agree with him or even completely enjoy him all the time, in fact we disagreed a lot, but I still just always felt like he would always be around. It never really occured to me that he could NOT be there one day. I know my mom is unhappy, and I want her to be happy, I just wish it didn’t have to be this way. And then, in thinking that, I feel like I’m not being loyal to her or something, and I want to be loyal to my mom and support her, but I just feel torn. Like I am betraying her by saying that I will miss Bob or even that I wish she wasn’t divorcing him.

Jake’s stupid Annual Banquet coming up…… seriously I am not really looking forward to this thing. I am however looking forward to three nights away with my husband and NO kids! This is our yearly “get away” and as much as I don’t like faking a friendly face for a bunch of people that I would love to scream at, I will do just about anything to hang with Jake for a few days minus the kids. We are so good when it’s just us and no kids. I miss those days in Missouri when it was just us hanging out all the time. I love when we get a piece of that back….. like on our date nights or our little trips like this. We do this trip and one for our anniversary, but that has only been since we moved back here. I hope it’s something we can keep up after we move (if we ever move!) The one thing I really am looking forward to though is wearing my dress. This dress is AMAZING! I love it. It is gorgeous! And my goal is for NO ONE to guess that had a baby since last years annual, since last year I was hecka skinny and everyone commented on it (b/c the year before that I was 9 months pregnant!). I love when Jake is proud and that is my goal for him. That is one thing I remember reading in “For Women Only” that husbands really are proud when their wives try to look nice for them and how sometimes other men will see a guys wife and think either “WOW he’s lucky, she takes care of herself (by trying to look nice)” or they think “poor guy” and I will not have people say “poor guy!” Although, I have not been excercising really at all and that is baaaad. I have hit a wall with this weight loss and it’s clear to me that I am not going to lose anymore unless I kick it up a notch. I guess I should use that elliptical I bought huh?

Okay I think that is enough for tonight. Good grief it’s late and Owen is awake again to eat.

The Rundown……

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Saturday night we went to the races with Mom. We took Dylan and Aidan and left Owen with my grandma. Mom is bringing McKenna too. Mom picked up ear muffler looking things for the kids to wear so the noise doesn’t hurt them. It was too loud for me at some points, not all, but enough so that I don’t want the boys to not be protected. The races were sort of stressful for me b/c the kids would NOT sit down. I think I watched MAYBE 5 minutes COMBINED time of the races. The last straw for me was Aidan throwing a screaming fit and Dylan knocking his soda all over the kid in front of us. Talk about embarrassing. So I packed up me and Aidan I left. Aidan and I had gone out after Mom and Jake and Dylan and Kenna….. that way I could leave early to get back to Owen. Good thing too b/c Mom and Jake and the kids didn’t get back until almost 11!!!!
Needless to say we skipped church so the kids could sleep in from such a LATE night. Sunday morning we got up and Jake started doing some yardwork. I called mom to see if the boys could go over there for the morning/afternoon while we cracked out some yard work. We got almost all that I wanted done DONE, there will be some tidy up stuff to do on Friday or Saturday before the shower, but pretty much the big stuff got done. πŸ˜€
Then I had to take Owen to the Dr. so they could make him POOP. He still had not really gone…he went Saturday but just a teeny bit. I called Sunday and they wanted me to bring him in, so I did. They did some “stuff” to him and gave him a suppository (I had given him one saturday too) and sent us home. When we got home he finally had a BLOWOUT. I got him cleaned up and then we went to our Link Group BBQ at David and Sabrina’s. We stayed there for a while but I was so dang tired I was practically falling asleep on the deck…I felt like I was anyway. Hopefully no one noticed! LOL
Yesterday I had my 6 week OB check-up…. that went good. She talked to me about antidepressants but I said I didn’t want to do that just yet, to which she said “I knew you’d say that” hehe I just want to wait it out and see what happens. I’ll know if I’m getting worse or even just not getting better. I really think it’s just baby blues….After that I went shopping for more baby shower stuff. I can’t say here in case Kacie reads this, but it is going to be SO CUTE! I am very excited to do this. πŸ˜€ I have a TON to do though before Saturday. UGH…not sure how I will get it all done. My mom is going to come help with some stuff….but right now it all just seems like a lot…and I am totally that person that does not ask for help b/c really, I don’t want it (unless it’s my mom) b/c I just like things done a certain way. ;o)
Oh yeah, Owen slept 5.5 hours Sunday night!! That is the most sleep I’ve gotten since before I had him! I felt like a new woman!!! LOL I swear it was because he finally pooped, b/c he hasn’t pooped since then and now he is fussy again. Anyway, since I had gotten SO MUCH sleep that night I was totally in the mood to clean and stuff yesterday so last night I got a lot of cleaning done and I even made dinner! yeah, sounds small, but lately for me, that was a big deal. LOL However, you’d never know I cleaned by looking at it today. 😦 I was just telling my grandma this morning while she was here for a while that that is the ONE thing I HATE about being home all day….the messes. YOu have to constantly be cleaning to keep on top of it…..especially with three kids. Three kids and a husband who forgets to clean up the dinner mess so I am left with it in the morning. Niiiiiiiiiiiiice.
Today is a low key day again.I was beat when I got up this morning. I stayed up too late IM’ing with Marcia last night and I didn’t get to sleep until 1. Then Owen woke up at 4:30, back to bed at 5:20, woke up again at 7:30 and then that was that. I tried to snooze on the couch for a while this morning and succeeded until Owen started getting fussy. Dylan was just playing in the living room and cuddling with me off and on until he got hungry. Aidan didn’t wake up after 10!!!! OMG!!! I love that that kids sleeps in so late! I wish Dylan would do that. Dylan is up at the crack up dawn, always. He is getting good about sneaking into our bed so I don’t even hear him. When I woke up at 7:30 he was there!
Mom is coming over later maybe to help me make some shower stuff but other than that, nothing much today. I just want to sleep. ALL of the kids are asleep right now…granted Owen is on my chest even right now, but at least they are all asleep. I hear the couch calling my name…………………

Cutest PG gal ever!

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Okay so one picture is a bit blurry, but the bump is hard to miss! ;o) WHY was I never this cute pg?? I mean, we have the same parents so you’d think we could do SOMETHING alike…. goodness knows we don’t LOOK alike! HA! No really, she is too cute pg…she can even still wear a two piece and get away with it! No stretch marks OR flabby arms, and she still has legs to boot! πŸ˜› She is due any day now…. her EDD isn’t until th 12th of September, but she has already made quite a bit of progress!
Just had to post this cute pic of her! πŸ˜€

Let’s Give this a try….

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So in an attempt to start a blog on here that is appropriate for people to actually read, I thought I’d create yet ANOTHER blog. I have myspace and I have a private blog on here, but I find myself being pulled into the public blogging world. HA!! Becaues I have nothing to say at the moment…here are a few of my latest blogs from myspace…… they will bore you to death. ;o)

Owen’s Birthday Story……
Okay, so some of you have been asking for the detailed version of Owen’s arrival, and I have really been intending to do it before now, but everytime I think about it my head hurts, and the farther from that day I get the more my head hurts to think about the fuzzy details. LOL Pregnant brain has now become Mommy brain, soon to return to normal brain in about 6 months….so I’ve heard.

So without further ado…..

Tuesday the 10th I went shopping all day with my mom and got the much needed baby book I had remembered the night before. We were gone for the better part of the day and got home around 3. I put the boys down for naps and got online. Around 3:30 I went to the bathroom and noticed I was bleeding. This happened with Aidan too….. means labor is coming SOON. I called my mom frantic b/c that was my gut reaction. She came over and I was on the phone with my OB and she said to just labor at home for a while until my contractions were around 4-5 minutes apart. Greeeeat. So, mom went home and said to call her when they start b/c at this point I had no contractions. About an hour later, 4:30 or so, I started having contractions. At 5:30 I started timing them b/c they were becoming worse. I called mom to come get the boys b/c I did not want to be laboring at home alone and taking care of them. She came and got them and then Jake got home a little bit later. Meanwhile I was finishing up some last minute things around here and making sure my bags were packed and at the front door, all the while being busy online too.
The bad thing is that my contractions weren’t very regular. Some were 7 minutes apart, some were 15, they were really sporadic which was frustrating b/c they were increasing in strength….. just not in frequency. Finally I had about a half hour of contractions at 5 minutes apart and they were to the point where I could barely breath through them, so I opted to go in then. I did that b/c I needed to be hooked up to antibiotics asap b/c I was positive for Group B Strep. I needed at least four hours of antibiotics and I have quick labors. In fact the nurse kept saying she didn’t trust my body to not change at the last minute and decide to spit out a baby b/c I was what they called a “multip mom” (multiple births already) with a history of delivering fast.
So anyway, we checked into the hospital at 8:30 and I assumed they would hook me up to the antibiotics right away but they didn’t. They wanted to monitor me for a while to make sure I was in active labor. Well, wouldn’t you know it but my contractions slowed down, but they didn’t lessen in pain. That was frustrating. They talked about sending me home, something I did NOT want to do. I kept telling her that while they weren’t regular contractions they were getting more and more painful and I that I knew myself and my body well enough to know that I would need an epidural SOON. She said they would monitor me for about 1-2 hours and then decide. Oh brother…that would mean it would be almost MIDNIGHT before they decided to keep me or not, and if they sent me home I would just have to go back in 6 hours anyway for my induction. Well luckily my contractions picked up and so did the pain. My nurse said she didn’t like the way my body was acting and given my history, she wanted to go ahead and admit me. At this point it was around midnight. So, they admitted me, and I begged for the epidural. BTW, I have a love/hate relationship with the epidural. While I love what it does for you, I absolutely hate getting it. I was more fearful of the epidural than of delivering a baby! LOL
I got the epidural around 1 I think?? Exact timing is fuzzy to me now… but I got the epidural with the help of Jake enduring my fingernails in his shoulders, me stretching out the neck of his shirt, and a pillow at RVMC that probably still has my bite marks in it. I swear I am the most polite person in labor I think….I apologized before hand for any swearing that might be offensive to the nurse and anesthisiologist (sp?) and kept saying sorry when I screamed too loudly. What was funny is the anesthisiologist kept apologizing too… “I’m so sorry, my wife hates these too and does the same thing.” That was actually a relief to hear. So, once we got through that ordeal, I laid back and let it take affect. I hate that part too….. I don’t like feeling all of the control of my lower body leaving me. It’s a strange feeling. I don’t mind it once it’s complete, but waiting for it to take full affect is creepy for me. Same feeling I get in an elevator….that’s random.
So the epidural worked immediately on my right side but not so much on my left. In fact it never really numbed my left side at all. I could still feel the contractions on my left side…not as strongly as before, but strong enough to make me cry. While this was going on the nurse FINALLY hooked me up to the antibiotics I needed. I was supposed to have penicillian but b/c I am allergic to penicillian related drugs they opted for something else….. and wouldn’t you know it, I was allergic to that. My right had and foot swelled and started itching horribly. At first we thought it was the epidural b/c that is one thing about the epidural, while it is numbing you, it itches a lot. But when only my hand and foot became inflamed and red and just NASTY looking, did we realize it was an allergic reaction. So, she pulled me off of that drug and said she’d ask the doctor what else to try. Around this time the anesthisiologist came back in to recheck my epidural since it wasn’t numbing properly. He said that sometimes some women didn’t numb evenly and there was no explaination for it…. that it was different for every woman. Well, the other two times I had one I numbed evenly on BOTH sides thankyouverymuch. So, I was left to feel the pain in my lower left abdomen and upper thigh. He left and the nurse left to get me more meds. I was worried at this point b/c it was already 3am and I was dilated to a 5. From the previous two boys, I knew I was on the downslope from here on out. I managed to doze a little from 3am to 3:20 and what woke me up was this excruciating pain in my left hip. It felt like someone was drilling a hole into my hip bones. I was laying on my left side too, hoping the epidural would make it’s way down (they recommend doing that, saying it helps, but it never did) so at first I thought maybe it’s b/c I’ve been laying here too long. But it got worse and worse, and it was more constant, not like a contraction. I knew something was not normal. Poor Jake had to be my punching bag and I am surprised I didn’t break his shoulder. AND, come to find out the next day, the people across the hall could hear me screaming (Kacie happened to know them and they said to her “didn’t your sister get an epidural? LOL). Niiiiiiice. Yes, screaming….. b/c remember my epidural was not so effective on that side.
I called for a nurse b/c I was getting scared at this point that something was wrong and my nurse was still MIA….. so the nurse that responded checked me and I was at a 10!!!!! After she checked me I asked her to lay me on my back b/c the pain in my hip was just too much. It lessened the pain a little, but not a lot. I told her I was supposed to have the antibiotic and I hadn’t received it at all, and she looked concerned and said she’d call in the oncall doctor b/c it was time to push. At this point I started panicking b/c I knew I needed that antibiotic and I was worried about the baby. I was crying and talking about a mile a minute. Jake was trying to calm me down and then the doctor showed up. She said that my nurse earlier got called into a delivery and no one knew I wasn’t being checked on. GREAT. I kept telling her about not getting the antibiotics and she didn’t seem too thrilled about that which worried me even more. I kept saying “is my baby going to be okay?” over and over. She never said he would be, but she did say that 15 years ago when they didn’t do the GBS testing that babies were fine, so why wouldn’t mine be? I know that is what she had to say, and it really wasn’t that reassuring. They did say they’d do bloodwork on him after he was born to make certain. That made me feel a little bit better, but just a little. OH yeah, when the nurse checked me and I was a 10 I had Jake call my mom and she almost beat the doctor there! In fact, right after the whole “GBS talk” my mom showed up I think….. at this point it was 4:45 or so?? So the doctor said she’d try to call my OB and see if she could get her in to deliver me and then she’d get back to me. So we waited a few minutes and she came back and said that my doctor didn’t answer her page so she was going to have to deliver me. That was fine with me….. my doctor has never delivered me. She missed Aidan’s birth too and then they only had a male oncall doctor and I threw a HUGE fit over that and insisted on a woman doctor, and they found a midwife at the other hospital who was willing to deliver me. So this time, with Owen, I was relieved that the oncall was a female so I didn’t have to go through that again. I told her I felt immense pressure like I should push and she said “Well lets do a practice push and see where we stand” so right there she had me give one push and before I could even finish the push she said “STOP! His head is right there!” and my mom and Jake looked down and someone said “OH he has hair!!” and before I knew it the doctor was in scrubs and the bed was broke down and raised and she said, “Okay, when you feel like it, push again” and I said “Uh, I feel like it NOW!” and so I raised up to push and before I could even grab my legs…. he was out. It was unbelievable. I have heard women before say that they didn’t even have to push and I always thought they were lying…. they weren’t. I figure I sat at a ten for at least an hour fighting the urge to push, and couple that with the fact that I have had two babies before, I think he was just READY. The doctor said, “He’s out!” and I said “WHAT?!” and looked down and there he was. I said “that was AWESOME!” heehee I can’t believe I said that now. It really was amazing though.
The hardest labor I have ever had, but it was the easiest delivery ever.
So, he was born at 5:01am on 7-11-07.

My OB came in around 7am to check on me and I told her about the hip pain and she said that since he was face up, that was him turning at the last minute. She had told me at my appt that monday before that he was face up and that when he turned it would probably be extremely painful and feel like labor. She wasn’t kidding. That was the worst pain I have EVER felt. I mean EVER. It even beat the pain of the epidural, if that’s possible.
I also told her about not getting the antibiotics and she was NOT HAPPY at all about that. In fact from my room she went to talk to the pharmacist about changing my meds w/o her approval and then to talk to someone about why I didn’t get the antibiotics.

Soooo, that’s the story of Owen’s arrival. The next several days in the hospital are an even longer story, which I may save for another blog. Don’t want to bombard you with the details of the last 11 days all in one blog. Lord knows this one is long enough already, and if you’ve read this far….well, bless you then. LOL ;o)

Oh yeah….ALSO, all of Owen’s bloodwork came back showing he was perfectly fine (thank you Lord!). And, for the first time ever, I didn’t tear so that means no stitches. WOOHOO!!!! :o)

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My 12 Day Saga…….
Oh bother…. isn’t that what Winnie the Pooh says when things seem like they can’t possibly get any worse?? Now don’t get me wrong…. I am in a “happy” point in my life and that is the only reason I can laugh off these last 12 days. If I were still pregnant and having this kind of luck I think I would have hit the fan by now. LOL I was telling a friend from church about it today over the phone and I was laughing hysterically and she was just in SHOCK as to the amount of bad luck we’ve and she said “well at least you’re laughing about it!” Honey, that’s all I can do at this point…………..
WEDNESDAY (11th)/THURSDAY (12th) So Owen was born on a Wednesday morning after being up all night laboring. I didn’t sleep at all Wednesday even though Owen did. I was too wired. I did finally get tired that night but Owen had other plans. He was awake from midnight to 7am….. I was exhausted. All he wanted to do was nurse. I had not slept since Monday night and it was now Thursday morning. I called Jake and said “GET. HERE. NOW. And bring the pacifiers that I forgot.” He came and sat there with Owen and the paci while I slept for about two hours. I don’t think I went to sleep until about 9 though b/c I had ordered breakfast and then of course a million nurses check on you in the mornings. So I woke at 11 and was up until 3. I slept again until 5 and then got up and ordered dinner and had visitors and all that jazz. Well nightime came again and again he didn’t want to sleep. I fussed with until about 1230am and then called a nurse and said “I have NEVER put one of my babies in the nursery and I feel like a horrible mom but I have got to put him in there tonight. I am just too tired.” Then she told me that the nursery was full. Suddenly I didn’t care about being a horrible mom, I just wanted SOMEONE to take him so I could sleep. I said “Could YOU take him?” and she looked at my like “WHAT?!” and I said “don’t you keep babies at the nurses station?? I have seen that before I think. Will you keep him out there?” and she said yes that they do and she would. So she took him out with her and she brought him back around 215 to eat. I fed him and sent him back out with her at 3 and I went back to sleep until 6. That was the last time I got to sleep for a three hour stretch. LOL
FRIDAY (13th) It is now Friday and I am getting my stuff together to leave and go home. Jake and the boys were coming to get me around 1 or so. They came, they got me, we left at 2 and were home by 230. That night Jake’s family (mom, dad, bro and his family) were coming over to eat and hang out and see the baby. I suggested doing that b/c I really didn’t want to go there and Nate and Teresa were only down for the weekend and I wanted to see them and I knew they wanted to see the baby. Sooo, everyone came over for pizza and they brought some salad. After dinner Nate and Dylan were wrestling and Dylan started crying really hard, and I knew by the way he was crying that something was not right….. long story short, Jake, Nate, their dad, and Dylan all spent 5 hours in the ER that night getting x-rays on Dylan’s arm. The Dr’s couldn’t tell if it was fractured or not b/c his bones are still so little and not fully formed, so they splinted it anyway and said to take him to his pediatrician on Monday.
SATURDAY (14th) Teresa called to check on Dylan and offered to come over and watch the kids so Jake and I could rest or do whatever b/c Owen (AGAIN) did not sleep at all that night. I took her up on it and she and Kambrie came over. Jake left and went to put the plates on the trailer. While she was here I got to take my time taking a shower and getting dressed. That was nice. When I was done we got the kids all lunch and by the time they were finished Jake got home and then Teresa and Kambrie left. They kids got some good play time and I think Kambrie warmed up a little to the boys….it’s funny to see them all together b/c the boys are so rough and loud and she is so calm and quiet. While they were building towers and crashing them she was trying to read. LOL So cute. πŸ™‚
After that the boys laid down for naps and I dinked around here. At 230 Nate called to tell me something about the ER trip the night before and then MIL got on the phone to talk to me and said that they were having a BBQ at 5!!!! I told her that considering it was a LAST MINUTE invite it would all depend on the kids and naps and attitudes when they got up. To say the least I was annoyed. I just was frustrated b/c if I had known the night before when it was planned I could have planned my day better and anticipated it. We ended up going but not until 730 that night. I was glad we ended up going though b/c it was fun and the kids did really good and Owen slept through the whole thing. Plus it felt good to get out.
SUNDAY (15th) Sunday I had to take Owen in to the Dr to get his weight checked. When we left the hospital they said they didn’t like the amount of weight he had lost and they were just barely comfortable letting him leave, so they wanted to recheck him two days after to see if it went up any. After that I went back over to Jake’s parents (where I had dropped him and the boys earlier) to say goodbye to Nate and Teresa and Kambrie. After they left we went to lunch at Angelo’s with his parents. After that we went back to their house to hook up the trailer to take it home since Jake and the boys were going camping on Tuesday. The rest of the day was pretty low key…. naps, dinner, down time. NOthing exciting.
MONDAY (16th) Monday I had to take Dylan to the Dr. to have his arm looked at again. They determined that it in fact was NOT broken and didn’t need to be in the splint any longer. They tried to put it in a sling but he SCREAMED his head off like the night he hurt it. I asked if it really mattered, sling or splint, and they said no, so we put the splint back on. I think he was more scared than anything even though he said he still had a little pain in his elbow. The Dr. said that when he felt like it to just take it off and he’d be fine. So I told him when we left it was up to him, that when he wanted we could take it off anytime. From watching him, it was obvious it wasn’t going to be anytime soon. Seriously that kid is a DQ (my mom calls me DQ for drama queen, so maybe I should call him a DK?? drama king?) LOL. The rest of the day was spent getting Jake and the boys ready for camping down at Shasta with my family. I was starting to be bummed I couldn’t go b/c a lot of extended family ended up being there too. I couldn’t go though b/c I had Owen’s circumcision on Wednesday that I couldn’t reschedule.
TUESDAY (17th) Jake and the boys left around 11:30 in the morning I think?? After that I got ready and headed out to go shopping. I was tired of wearing my maternity shirts still and STILL looking pregnant in them. BLECH. I don’t care how ridiculous it is, I was not going to ride it out…. I decided it was worth it to spend some $$$ on a few new things to get me through until I can fit back into some of my old clothes. So I went to Target b/c a few weeks ago I saw these cute dresses that I thought would cover well. The only ones they had left were spaghetti strapped and I cannot wear those while nursing. NO SUPPORT at all and I think someone would have me arrested for indecent exposure. I did however find this really cute style of tank top that covered well and was light in fabric and would be good for nursing and would still look good after the baby weight was gone. It is not fitted at all, it’s kind of flowy… so I got four of them in different colors. I got a pair of Bermuda shorts, a pair of capri’s and a cute knee length baby doll hoodie with leggings. HOPEFULLY that will get me through since I don’t leave the house much anyway. My cousin Krislyn had called and said that she was going back down to camping on Wednesday and she said she’d wait for me if I wanted to ride with her. I was so excited!!! I called and told Jake but told him not to tell anyone! I wanted it to be a surprise since most of them hadn’t seen Owen….. in fact, only a few of them had. So the rest of Tuesday I spent packing, doing a few loads of laundry for the trip, and cleaning the house.
WEDNESDAY (18th) I got up and got ready for Owen’s appt. I got there and we did his one week check up and then I left him with the Dr. for his SNIPAGE and I went back and hung out with my lactation consultant for a while. The nurse found me and brought him to me and said that Nancy (my LC) could check him in 30 minutes to give me the all clear to go home. So I went and joined the moms group she has at that time and chatted and nursed Owen and then Nancy checked him and we left. I called Krislyn when I got home and she was on her way over to get us. We loaded up and left. NOW HERE IS WHERE LIFE GETS EVEN MORE INTERESTING. On the way down to camping I had to stop to feed Owen. I noticed he wasn’t nursing well when we left so I was glad he got hungry, only he didn’t nurse well then either. I thought maybe it was because I was in the car. I kept trying all day to nurse him. I was kicking myself in the butt b/c I had forgotten my pump so I was getting very “FULL” and I knew that he needed to eat and wasn’t eating hardly at all. I started getting frustrated and worried b/c I know from my history with Aidan that it would not be good for me if he didn’t empty me with a feeding, and SOON. Well, sure enough, I had a 101 fever that night in the trailer, I was sweating and having the chills off and on. Luckily I had remembered my thermometer and Ibuprofen so I took 4 IBU and lived on that until we got home Thursday night. I had called my OB while camping and they called me in a presrcription so it was waiting for me when we got back.
THURSDAY (19th) So we packed up and headed home and got back around 5 ish. Jake picked up my prescription for me of dicloxicillian and the pharmacist said that if I am allergic to any penicillian related meds to not take it. So I called the oncall Dr and told her my allergies (there are a lot) and she said NOT to take it, she’d call me in something else. So I sent Jake to pick that up as well. So when he got home from getting that (8pm by this point) he gave me my meds. I said “is this it?” b/c it looked different than before (I have had mastitis four times) and he said yes so I took it. Well later I was looking at the papers that came with it and I had a question so I called the pharmacist and she said “look at the bottle and tell me what it says” so I asked Jake for the bottle. He pointed to it. I said “NO that’s the bottle I might be allergic to, where’s the other one?” and he said “THAT’S that one I gave you!” and then I lost it. HE GAVE ME THE WRONG MEDS!!! I totally started to panic after that. I was freaking out, crying hysterically, waiting for my throat to possible swell up, pacing the floor, I was a mess. I called the Dr and she said to take Benadryl to counteract any reaction. So I took the Benadryl and stayed up for four hours to make sure I wasn’t going to die in my sleep. LOL Jake said “So you probably think I am trying to kill you now or something huh?” heehee Yeah, slightly.
FRIDAY (20th) All through the night Thursday and early Friday morning I noticed that my milk supply had gone down. I called my LC to find out if this was b/c of the mastitis. When I told her about the previous night she said “Oh! The Benadryl dried up your milk!” Greeeeeeeeeeeat! At this point I was thinking “could it GET any worse?! I mean really! What else could possible go wrong?” So we decided that I will start taking Fenugreek right away and start pumping after EVERY feeding to help bring my milk back up to par. Wonderful. Like I don’t have enough to do already and like I’m not getting enough sleep already. Now after I take 40 minutes to feed and diaper him, I need to take another 15-20 to pump and wash the supplies. So by the time I am done diapering, feeding, and pumping, I can MAYBE get an hour and half of sleep in before doing it again. Maybe. So I opted to skip the wee hours pumping sessions and just try to do it every other time.
So the rest of Friday went pretty okay. I laid in bed ALL DAY LONG and went back and forth with the fever then the chills. That is so not fun. My whole body ached. It’s worse than having the flu. That night Jake made noodles for some spaghetti sauce I had thawed out. Just as we were cleaning dinner up I heard Jake say “Aidan No nonononnoooo!” and I look over and Aidan has his finger up his nose! He had SHOVED hamburger from the sauce up his nose! He was screaming and holding his nose and saying “nose! nose! nose! owieeee!” I immediately started to worry b/c this kid can his finger all the way up his nose…. he is facinated with just sticking his finger up his nose and leaving it there. It’s the strangest thing. It’s obvious he is in pain. We try several things, nothing works. I call my mom and try a bath like she suggested (hoping the splashing around would make his nose runny) and that didn’t work. He has been screaming now for about 30 minutes. I call the nurse, she calls back and says take him to the ER. So, Jake spent TWO FRIDAY NIGHTS IN A ROW IN THE ER!! I sat at home thinking “this is just great, someone is going to send childrens services to our house and investigate WHY we were there with our kids two friday nights in a row!” When Jake and Aidan got home sometime after midnight Jake said they pulled three chunks out of his nose, and one was the size of a dime!! And I guess they were really far up there. Good thing they went in.
SATURDAY (21st) Thankfully Saturday nothing too extremem happened. In fact Saturday was pretty okay. Jake and I went rounds that day. Between his lack of patience with the kids and my fatigue we were at each others throats. He wanted to go out that night too!! I got up Saturday afternoon after I realized that with all the screaming and kids running around I was not going to get to rest anymore. The house was trashed. I started picking stuff up and when Jake said he wanted to go out I said ONLY if the house resembled something picked up and somewhat neat by evening time could we go out. Well he hoped to it then. Mom came over and watched the boys (all three!) and we went to Red Robin for dinner and then to Walmart to pick up some wipes and cleaner and some household essentials. We were only gone about 2 hours…. I’m on a short leash with Owen for a while. ;o) When we got home the boys were in bed and Owen was ready to be fed again.
SUNDAY (22nd) Sunday morning I got up and looked to the side of my bed and saw the papers from my prescription that I had been reading the other night. I noticed it said there were only 20 pills in the bottle. I thought that was odd since normally there are 40. In the past, when I had it with Aidan, I had to take four pills a day for 10 days….40 pills. I had been taking four pills a day since Friday…so just for Friday and Saturday and I had already taken two by 8am Sunday morning. Every six hours…. that is the schedule I am used to with these meds. Naturally I just started taking them the same again. When I saw the amount was 20 I thought “hmmm, I must need to refill these” and I didn’t think anything of it since it was a different pharmacy than normal. THEN, at 2:30pm when I went to take my third pill of the day, I noticed on the pill bottle that I was only supposed to be taking it TWICE a day, not four times a day!!!! SERIOUSLY!! Prescription medication is going to be the death of me, I swear! I called THE SAME pharmacist back and was in a panic, AGAIN, and told her the whole story. She said “not to offend you, but are you a LARGE person?” and I said “well no but I did just have a baby” and she said “well no, I mean if you were really large then MAYBE you would need a large dose but you don’t” Sooooo, come to find out, these pills were double strength pills as opposed to single strength pills which is what I normally take. I asked her if anything was going to be wrong with my or the baby and she said no, but to really push the fluids. So after that phone call I started downing water like crazy!! She also said to not take any more and wait until the next day to take another one and just finish it out taking two a day.
The rest of the day was pretty low key and boring. I did a LOT of laundry. No one has done any laundry around here since the day before I went into labor. Niiiiice. Tonight Jake and I will be folding MOUNDS of laundry.
So that brings us to today……..
Today was my first day alone with Jake back at work. This morning was a bit nutty and frazzled but I regained control with the boys. The hardest thing is going to be figuring out how to QUIETLY nurse Owen while I am home by myself with Dylan and Aidan. I think I am really going to have to bite the bullet and set up a seriously scheduled and structured day. Everything in me wants to rebel against that and I hate it with it a passion, but I know it will make things easier. That is my biggest goal in life right now, to just regain control over my house and stick to a structured schedule. That even means limiting my computer time and my phone time. The more I am distracted, the more they test me, and I lose my patience quickly lately. I hope I am disciplined enough to do this. I really want to…..
So that is a very long recap of the last 12 days. I think I am mostly caught up to speed. This is soooo long and I even left out the details. Believe it or not, this is the cliff notes version. LOL Oh well, now I can get back to my regular blogging. I had wanted too but knew if I started without posting everything since Owen’s birth, I would never post any of it. So overwhelming.
Tonight the boys are at moms for their monday night with her, and Owen is spending some time with my grandma for about an hour until he needs to eat again. πŸ™‚ That should be nice for her. She loves them at this age. πŸ™‚

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Okay well now that should be enough to get my blahg ball rolling….. let’s see if I can keep this puppy up….