12:25 AM – How does this blog thing work again? It’s been so long…. Current mood: tired
I feel like a newbie blogger all over again. Where do I begin? What do I say? Will anyone even READ this word vomit?
The funny thing about blogging is that you tend to think in “blog” even when you aren’t currently blogging. It has been driving me NUTS to be blogging in my mind and have no time or access to spit it all out. Now that I am here I am blank. BLANK I tell you blank! How is this possible??? I’ll just be sproradic in my thoughts tonight I guess…. although, how is this any different than a normal day? I KNOW you were totally thinking that.
Some things have been going through my mind….
The California fires….oh.my.word. Can I just say that I sat there watching and thinking about all of those people and all of that stuff that they lost, irreplaceable stuff, and I was just so overwhelmed. All I could think about was my kids. What would I do if I was all alone and something like that happened? How would I get my kids out? What would I do? I have too many kids… KIDDING! I just don’t have enough arms. I need one more. That would be sweet. Or creepy. Anyway, watching all of that footage just made me feel so grateful for everything we have. When we got married we literally had NOTHING. Not even a bed. Jake had to go buy our first bed before I moved to Missouri. Note to self, never let Jake buy a bed w/o me there. I swear he bought a piece of concrete slab. I hated that bed. I love my bed now though. California King baby! Oh yeah. It’s funny the things you think about when you are watching someone else’s tradgedy. I just sat and looked around my house, looked at my kids while they were sleeping, looked at Jake picking his nose (KIDDING!) and just was overwhelmed with how blessed we have been and how lucky we are to even be where we are today. Not that things are perfect, oh my word no. In fact, I am sure I could find MORE to complain about than to be happy about, but seeing all of those burned down houses really put things in perpsective for me. I have been lacking perspective lately.
Having Three Boys…. what did I get myself into? AH HA HA! SERIOUSLY! I watch Dylan and Aidan wrestling and I just cringe at the anticipation I feel waiting to hear a bone snap or a see an eye roll across the floor! I was talking to my mom on the phone the other day while watching them attempt to kill each other and I said “Oh my gosh mom all they do is wrestle and beat the crap out of each other! It makes me nervous!” and she said “Brandy! You have BOYS! You’d better get used to it!” I said “I know, but it makes me so nervous!” What’s new? Something makes me nervous. Alert the media. I just think about Owen in another year and a half or so and wonder if he’ll survive the other two! Poor little fella! But really truly, I look at my three boys lately and I am just overwhelmed with how much I love them. I told Jake that I look at them and just want to cry b/c I want to hold them forever and never let them go ever. They grow so fast.
My meds….. okay so remember that blog “Oh blah dee oh blah daa life goes on…” and how I was talking about being depressed and all that jazz? Well I did call my doctor and I did get in with a therapist and I did get on meds. It was the toughest decision I think I have ever made. Seriously. I was very torn over it. I cried a lot of tears deciding if I should do this. I even sat in my OB’s office and cried to her. I cried to my pediatrician. I cried to my lactation consultant. Seriously, I cried a lot. I finally decided that I was tired of being tired and tired of being SAD all the time. Let’s just say it does get darkest before the dawn and in hindsight I see that a lot of things really did happen for a reason. Two of those things being the fact that we are not moving right now. I NEVER would have broke down and called my doctor had we gotten our orders. I just wouldn’t have. I was putting all my hope in moving, and that was wrong. Another thing was my computer. I think that if I had had access to my computer during all of this I wouldn’t have given myself the chance I needed to realign my life and priorities. I was spending way too much time online. It was my numbing drug I think. Honestly, it let me get lost when I couldn’t cope with anything else. Now that I have been on them for a while and they have kicked in, I can COMPLETELY tell the difference. I am happier. I am not a snapping at everyone around me. I can cope with a less than perfect house. Not that it doesn’t bother me still, but I can handle it a lot better. I don’t cringe when I hear my kids being kids. I don’t dread the next day. I don’t want to cry just because I woke up and am dreading the day. Now I wake up and think, “where do I start? what do I need to do?” and it doesn’t overwhelm me most days like it did before. I feel normal again. As normal as I can be. har har! heehee I still have a long way to go, and I’m continuing therapy for that, and charting my moods and days, but I am thinking more clearly and the fog is lifting. I am so grateful for that right now.
My mom and Bob…. they are getting a divorce and really I am surprised at how this is affecting me. I really am sad about this. I hadn’t been letting myself think about it before b/c really I don’t think I could emotionally handle it before, but now, I’ve been thinking about it and I don’t like it. It makes me sad. Already I find myself not liking whoever my mom would choose to date after the divorce. How “ten years old” is that?! I am sad to think about the house that I basically grew up in not being there anymore for me to call “home.” Even though Bob and I aren’t “tight” I did find comfort in seeing him around the house and just knowing that he was there. I didn’t always agree with him or even completely enjoy him all the time, in fact we disagreed a lot, but I still just always felt like he would always be around. It never really occured to me that he could NOT be there one day. I know my mom is unhappy, and I want her to be happy, I just wish it didn’t have to be this way. And then, in thinking that, I feel like I’m not being loyal to her or something, and I want to be loyal to my mom and support her, but I just feel torn. Like I am betraying her by saying that I will miss Bob or even that I wish she wasn’t divorcing him.
Jake’s stupid Annual Banquet coming up…… seriously I am not really looking forward to this thing. I am however looking forward to three nights away with my husband and NO kids! This is our yearly “get away” and as much as I don’t like faking a friendly face for a bunch of people that I would love to scream at, I will do just about anything to hang with Jake for a few days minus the kids. We are so good when it’s just us and no kids. I miss those days in Missouri when it was just us hanging out all the time. I love when we get a piece of that back….. like on our date nights or our little trips like this. We do this trip and one for our anniversary, but that has only been since we moved back here. I hope it’s something we can keep up after we move (if we ever move!) The one thing I really am looking forward to though is wearing my dress. This dress is AMAZING! I love it. It is gorgeous! And my goal is for NO ONE to guess that had a baby since last years annual, since last year I was hecka skinny and everyone commented on it (b/c the year before that I was 9 months pregnant!). I love when Jake is proud and that is my goal for him. That is one thing I remember reading in “For Women Only” that husbands really are proud when their wives try to look nice for them and how sometimes other men will see a guys wife and think either “WOW he’s lucky, she takes care of herself (by trying to look nice)” or they think “poor guy” and I will not have people say “poor guy!” Although, I have not been excercising really at all and that is baaaad. I have hit a wall with this weight loss and it’s clear to me that I am not going to lose anymore unless I kick it up a notch. I guess I should use that elliptical I bought huh?
Okay I think that is enough for tonight. Good grief it’s late and Owen is awake again to eat.