I often say that I don’t like sugar coating things.
That’s not entirely true. So I guess that would be…. sugar coating? Or just not being real. I don’t know. I’ll let you decide.
If you ask me if an outfit is good or bad, I’ll tell you straight up.
If you ask me my opinion on a situation, I’ll let you have it.
If you ask me if I like how something that you made tastes, I’ll be honest.
I won’t sugar coat that stuff. I don’t think that’s fair. And truly, it’s not trustworthy. I’m not cruel about it, just honest.
If you ask me how I’m doing, I’ll sugar coat. I’ll even flat out lie.
If I have to think about how I’m feeling about something, I’ll joke and laugh and stuff it down.
If God puts something in my lap that I know is HUGE for my heart or my character or my relationships, I won’t talk about it. Until it’s over. I don’t want to share it until it’s all cleaned up and in a pretty package, preferably with a victorious bow on top.
And that, that really isn’t fair.
I’m not quite sure what to do with myself concerning this. I’m an open book, about PAST things, not about current things.
I don’t want advice. I don’t want pity. I don’t want your two cents. I don’t want to look like something might be wrong with me to a point that makes you question my sanity or my character.
And I’m totally aware that those are unreasonable wants and expectations. I know.
But when you’ve always been the helper, the advice giver, the one everyone goes to to fix things…… it’s hard to say “I need fixing” or “I’m being fixed” because then you have to TALK ABOUT IT. And like I said, I’m good at sharing when it’s all said and done. Not during.
So, as a leap of faith, I’m sharing. Even though it’s making my skin crawl.
I feel like God is calling me to something bigger, and it’s making me retreat.
I feel like things I’m doing aren’t enough, and I need to do more.
On the flip side of that, I feel like I’m doing too much in certain ways and need to do less.
I feel my heart hardening with bitterness and sadness, and I don’t know why. I’m just plain ole’ grouchy to be honest.
God is seriously PULLING on my heart, and I am seriously pulling back because I’m scared. I don’t like MORE responsibility, because I usually take it very seriously, and right now that scares me.
So, that’s where I’m at now. And being this vulnerable is quite scary. But it’s not fair for me to put on a happy face, do a happy dance, and never let you in.