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Broken and Hurting

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I am not skinny

I am not tall

I am not tan

I do not have long hair

I am not that pretty

My skin sags in places it never did before

I am starting to get wrinkles around my eyes

I dress for practicality most days because most days I am covered in food, spit up, spilled drinks, smudged food, snot, tears, and drool

I have short hair and a double chin when I smile big

I have a body that has carried life inside of it three times

I have birthed a wonderful whole new person three times

I have blue eyes and naturally red hair

I am short

I have fair skin – so fair that the winter sun gives me freckles

I am not perfect

I am real

I am a mother

I am a wife

I am a daughter, a granddaughter, a sister, a friend

I am real

I am not old, but I am not a teenage girl anymore either

I have loved and been hurt, and hurt in return

I am self conscious and afraid

I am embarrassed to be me

I do not trust easily

I am loyal

I am not a super model

I am not Martha Stewart

I am me

I am real

I am hurting

The girl who wrote this was broken and hurting. I don’t remember the exact date that I wrote it, because the paper I found it on didn’t have a date. But I do remember the time of life it was. The minute I started reading I was thrust back to a moment, a moment when I felt so small and so worthless. I remember that in my head all of these negative things about myself were swirling around  faster than I could process. So I wrote it out. And as I wrote, I found myself also writing down good things, things I was proud of. Things that made me feel good about myself.

 “I have a body that has carried life inside of it three times….”

“I have blue eyes and naturally red hair….”

“I am a mother…”

“I am loyal….”

I remember such a release when I was done writing this. It was after Owen was born, before we moved to Minot. Dark times in my life.

I am so glad we are past that phase of life.

Funny thing about being broken and hurting…. God is the ultimate Healer and Redeemer. Where the scars from this time in life are, I also bear the signs healing and grace and forgiveness.

It reminds me to rejoice in hard times because I know the lessons God can bring out of them.

I need this reminder often.

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8 responses »

  1. Karin Constable

    Man oh man-lady-so sorry you had to go through those dark times! you really did have a false view of who you really are-you are so so beautiful, inside and out! freckles or not, sagging or not, red hair, blonde hair, brown hair-but most importantly you are a wonderful child of the MOst High God and you reflect a great God-with the way you think you dis-like in your color personality of “blue”-I love seeing it in you-compassionate and caring-beautiful virtues! “Gold” too-up front and tell it how it is! We love you Brandy just how you are! I pray you will learn to love -EVEN MORE-the wonderful lady you may still cover with “put-on personality” (we all do that from time to time), hair colors, make-up and cool clothes and jewlry! You really are even more beautiful than the world can rate as “super-model”-ish because you my dear are one of God’s greatest creation! A Princess of God! how much more beautiful can you get than that?

    Reply
    • Karin, I’m going to keep you around as my personal complimenter. 😉 ha! Just kidding, but seriously you always know how to speak life into everyone around you. Thank you.

      Reply
  2. One of my very special moments was Friday AM September 12th this year. At about 6AM I got to hug a military man as he was going to “serve his country” – protecting me and millions others. But then after he left I sat down, alone, and read a bible I had found in the front room. The bible was old, torn, marked up and marked all up. I discovered a teenage girl had got that bible and some of the notes she had made during youth camp. The bible had served her well. I cried, I prayed for this now mom of three boys and thought of her life, her goals and her intense desire to be the best that Christ desired of her.

    Jesus, be with this very special family today – she loves you and wants your guidance each step of her life. I know you are by her side as I pray this prayer and later as she reads this prayer. Hug her for me, Amen

    Reply
    • I cried as I sat here and read this just a bit ago (while the toast was burning!) 😉 Love you so much and my heart feels full, I felt the hug!

      I remember using that bible for most of my junior high and high school years. Definately well worn when the cover has crumbled off! 😉

      Reply
  3. Pingback: Prevent the Broken and Hurting | MY DAO DAYS

  4. Brandy…why do we not see what others see in us???…I (we) all see a bright beautiful young lady who is also smart,caring,loving,good wife,good mother,good christian girl and loved by everyone who knows her. You have been the best daughter that any mother could ever ask for…why God gave you to me-I’m not sure (other than to keep me in line!! LOL )BUT – I AM soo THANKFUL that he did……….I Love You!!!!

    Reply
  5. I love what Mom wrote. And Papa. And Karin. Ditto to all of it. On one hand I know exactly how you feel. The other is the constant struggle to see myself the way God sees me……even more so than to see myself how “others” see me, cause I know some “others” in my life see my in a negative light and hold a very negative opinion of me, and at the end of the day we all just need to listen to what God has to say about us. Love you sweet lady.

    Reply

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