Over a year ago a friendship ended that left me hurt and c0nfused and just plain ‘ol ticked off. Everytime I thought of her over the next 6 months, anger and regret rose in me almost simultaneously. Anger about what had happened between us, and regret for the way I handled it. I wanted to apologize, but I didn’t know how. I hadn’t forgiven her for things that were said, so I very well couldn’t apologize and expect her to forgive me. Soon complacency set in and I just didn’t care one way or another how it turned out. I didn’t care if I forgave her, I didn’t care if she forgave me, my motto about it was “it is what it is.” I love that motto. It works for so many relational situations, but in this case it was used to hide behind. I thought about her often, moreso wondering if she harbored the same feelings I did. I still wonder that actually. Late last year I found out about something happening in her life that for the first time made me genuinely sad about the fortress between us. I say fortress instead of wall, because truly, it was that kind of ending. I don’t see it being broken down anytime soon either. I bought her a card, with every intention of sending it. But it still sits in my room untouched, unsigned. I truly don’t think it will bring the good feelings I would want it to bring her…. so it’s best to hold off on it now.
It’s funny how after the end of a friendship you can quickly recall what you miss….there were things I missed for awhile, but the trade off was less stress. I think it was that way for us both for some reason. I was looking back through old emails…. I keep a folder for each person I email frequently and save most of them. Anyway, I was looking back through some old emails of ours, and it was evident to me instantly that we were more an unhealthy frienship than a healthy one. Reading some of them made me angry again, but then there were some that made me laugh at the stupid hilarity in them. Overall though, “unhealthy” kept running through my mind.
A good friend of mine has told me a few times not to surround myself with anchors. They weigh you down. Stress you out. And not to BE an anchor either. I think in the case of this friendship, for some reason we were anchors to eachother, weighing the other one down. I know I felt weighed down a lot because of it, and I’m sure she did. I know she did.
I’m finally at a place where I can see it for what it was, and now what it is. We were just bad for eachother. I know she has great friends that she is a good friend to, and likewise for me. But to eachother, anchors. How does that happen do you suppose? Maybe when you force a friendship out of obligation? Family ties? Because you see something in them you like? Work relations? Spouse relation? Who knows really…..
All I know now is, I wish this person well, truly. Am I upset still about how it “went down?” Sure I am. But only because it left hurt on both sides. Do I still apologize and hope it’s received well? I don’t know. Do I let this person know I have forgiven them, even if they may not want it or think they need to be forgiven? Still don’t know. But right now I just feel like being okay that it is what it is….. and this time I’m not hiding behind that. I think so much time passes and bringing up something old would be pointless…. but moving on would be so much better.