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Over a year ago a friendship ended that left me hurt and c0nfused and just plain ‘ol ticked off. Everytime I thought of her over the next 6 months, anger and regret rose in me almost simultaneously. Anger about what had happened between us, and regret for the way I handled it. I wanted to apologize, but I didn’t know how. I hadn’t forgiven her for things that were said, so I very well couldn’t apologize and expect her to forgive me. Soon complacency set in and I just didn’t care one way or another how it turned out. I didn’t care if I forgave her, I didn’t care if she forgave me, my motto about it was “it is what it is.” I love that motto. It works for so many relational situations, but in this case it was used to hide behind. I thought about her often, moreso wondering if she harbored the same feelings I did. I still wonder that actually. Late last year I found out about something happening in her life that for the first time made me genuinely sad about the fortress between us. I say fortress instead of wall, because truly, it was that kind of ending. I don’t see it being broken down anytime soon either. I bought her a card, with every intention of sending it. But it still sits in my room untouched, unsigned. I truly don’t think it will bring the good feelings I would want it to bring her…. so it’s best to hold off on it now.

It’s funny how after the end of a friendship you can quickly recall what you miss….there were things I missed for awhile, but the trade off was less stress. I think it was that way for us both for some reason. I was looking back through old emails…. I keep a folder for each person I email frequently and save most of them. Anyway, I was looking back through some old emails of ours, and it was evident to me instantly that we were more an unhealthy frienship than a healthy one. Reading some of them made me angry again, but then there were some that made me laugh at the stupid hilarity in them. Overall though, “unhealthy” kept running through my mind.

A good friend of mine has told me a few times not to surround myself with anchors. They weigh you down. Stress you out. And not to BE an anchor either. I think in the case of this friendship, for some reason we were anchors to eachother, weighing the other one down. I know I felt weighed down a lot because of it, and I’m sure she did. I know she did.

I’m finally at a place where I can see it for what it was, and now what it is. We were just bad for eachother. I know she has great friends that she is a good friend to, and likewise for me. But to eachother, anchors. How does that happen do you suppose? Maybe when you force a friendship out of obligation? Family ties? Because you see something in them you like? Work relations? Spouse relation? Who knows really…..

All I know now is, I wish this person well, truly. Am I upset still about how it “went down?” Sure I am. But only because it left hurt on both sides. Do I still apologize and hope it’s received well? I don’t know. Do I let this person know I have forgiven them, even if they may not want it or think they need to be forgiven? Still don’t know.  But right now I just feel like being okay that it is what it is….. and this time I’m not hiding behind that. I think so much time passes and bringing up something old would be pointless…. but moving on would be so much better.


8 responses »

  1. It is sad to read about any relationship that turns sour. However it’s an unhealthy one it is best to end it.

    You are still a kid, I call anyone under 50 a kid. You will make many more friends, and likely lose some, that is just life.

    What is most important is your family. I know DAO will be providing you with many laughs, some tears, but always love, and that is what counts the most.

  2. i agree with ed.

    not too long ago an old friend, ironically enough, said that bad friendships were like the juice and ick that rises to the top of the water when youre boiling chicken. you know how you skim it off and keep only the good stock, the useful, the healthy? same thing.

    this friendship and memories will stay with you forever. im sure int hat season much good came from it. even if it was learned through the much and the ick on top the water.

  3. God will provide you with new healthy ones… trust me!!

    Love you girl!

  4. Tammy, I boiled chicken tonight and thought of this. ha!

    Ed, I agree…. there are many people whose friendships have passed for many reasons, but really only this one due to a bad falling out. Makes it feel different.

    Heidi, I trust you! 😉 Love you too.

  5. my heart broke over a bad end with a friend. I kept feeling so silly for feeling so sad….but time has allowed me to look back and see it as an anchor.
    I keep hoping for reconcilliation….but know that this probably just ends with forgiveness.

  6. It always saddens me when I lose a friendship or just that a friendship goes away due to life. I sometimes wonder if it was something I did.
    I understand how you feel about it feeling different because this one ended badly.
    Something that I learned this last year was that forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things and that sometimes for ourselves we have to forgive without expecting reconciliation.
    I had a friendship that felt unhealthy to me and although I still talk to her and see her every now and again I don’t expect there to be this close friendship. I had to let go of it for me to be healthy.

    I’m sorry that you had to go through that but, rest in the fact that you have forgiven and let go for you.
    Praying for you! ((hugs))

  7. Michelle, I think Jenny’s comment about reconcilliation and forgiveness is a good one. Also, I browsed around your place. Loved your “shades of grey/gray” post. 😉

    Jenny, I think you are so right about that…. reconcilliation and forgiveness. I do not foresee there being a reconcilliation here, nor do I want one. I felt guilty about that for a bit, but I don’t think it would be in anyone’s best interest for that. Some things are better left as is. I should clarify that actually, a reconcilliation wouldn’t be bad… but we’ve gone down that road before and it never panned out well.
    The part I have hard time resting in whether or not I should ask for forgivenes… whether that matters or not. Something only God can tell me, I think.

    I think everyone goes through these…. always as kids and growing up, but as adults you’d like to hope it stopped. It doesn’t. Losing friends is normal with our lifestyle (everyone moving so often) so that isn’t unfamiliar to me, but severing ties over bad circumstances is. But you’re right, resting in the fact that I have forgiven…. 😉

  8. If this is who I think it is, I believe you have since said things were repaired. Hope so. I know reconciliation feels better than the memories of bitter last words.

    I know the feeling of falling out with a good friend. In fact in the past I’ve been quite good at damaging relationships playing the part of the “anchor” quite well. But to repair them is a feeling that cannot even be put into words. Healing.


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