I’m not sure where to begin really…. except to say forgiveness FREE OF CHARGE is hard for me. Meaning, if I don’t do something to earn it, I don’t feel worthy of it. At all. And the fact that it comes so freely from my sweet Jesus is especially hard for ME to handle. Now, if I were speaking to someone else about this it would be EASY to tell them how awesome and life changing it is…. but when it comes to me, that’s something entirely different for my brain. And my heart.
This morning in church it was mentioned that you can leave whatever is troubling you at the foot of cross, lay it down for Jesus to carry, and walk away with NO MORE GUILT, just free and clear forgiveness. I can’t handle that sometimes. Especially when I have a LOT of guilt for something. And dang did I have a lot of guilt this morning. A lot. My heart was troubled. And it wasn’t all neccessarily guilt for things I did…. however some of it was. I just had a heavy heart I guess you could say. Okay, I’ll be real…. a lot of it was for something I did that I realized later was not handled with the best judgement. It hurt no one but myself so no worries there. No one to apologize to….. nothing to do about it…. except take it to Jesus and walk away forgiven. But even still, I found it hard on my heart to do that. I wanted to DO something to earn the forgiveness. I hate hand outs. A LOT. And I felt unworthy. It is important for me to feel like I earned what I am receiving. Dang. It’s hard.
While I was thinking about all of this stuff in church this morning I started thinking about my kids. When they have done something wrong and I forgive them, I don’t want them walking around feeling sad and upset about it after that. I want them to go and be happy and play and be kids. I don’t want them to try to prove their worth to me because to me they are priceless….proving their worth would be pointless. It isn’t needed. My forgiveness is not based on anything other than I LOVE THEM WITH MY WHOLE HEART.
Jesus loves me. He WANTS to forgive me out of His love FOR ME. Not because I have proven my worth to Him. Not because I have done something earn it. Just because He loves me and wants me to go and and be happy and live my life in the comfort of Him and His forgiveness…. knowing that even though I messed up, He is still there, just as I am there for my boys no matter how they mess up. It would break my heart to see them wallow in sadness and self pity the way I do when coming before Jesus with the weight of my heart. I can only imagine what it does to the heart of my God…..
Lessons like these make me so thankful for being a mommy. And I love that God speaks to me through them.