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Well hello there strangers…

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Okay that was cheesy. But I feel like it’s been a while since I did an ACTUAL blog post. Like, really put EFFORT into a post. Well folks, tonights the night! πŸ˜†

I’ve been writing in a notebook at night before I go to bed because I have OCMTOD. Obsessive Compulsive Morbid Thoughts Of Dying. Yes you read that correctly. Anyway, always at night I lay in bed and have all these thoughts I want to get out and things and feelings that I want to make sure get HEARD…..and what if I don’t wake up in the morning?! Seriously people, this is how my mind works. Even on medication. πŸ˜† What really started this was a bad day with the boys….that night I laid in bed thinking about how MUCH I love them and then tons of feelings and memories of them just floaded my mind. I thought “wow, today was REALLY bad. I wish they went to bed knowing what I am thinking RIGHT NOW instead of what I was yelling before.” So I decided to start writing these things down at night…. some of my more personal thoughts. Things I wouldn’t typically blog about because these kind of “thinking binges” only come when I am in bed at night. So, I’m going to post them every so often because it’s a bit deeper than my normal posts….and I like deep posts. πŸ˜‰ I would like to write *type* deeper posts.

12.13.08

Today I wrote a blog post on what I am thankful for titled “A Christmas Miracle” Today I felt great joy with my life and surroundings. Despite the freezing cold NEGATIVE temps and the cancellation of something we were looking forward to, I have peace and joy. I am happy. I am in love with my family, no matter how challenging they may be at times, I am so in love with them my heart swells.

12.16.08

Thankful for the ease with which I have been blessed by God. I know that I am extremely blessed and the biggest blessings have come to meΒ fairly easily. So much so that I find myself sometimes wondering if the “shoe will drop.” I know I can’t live in fear like that. That it is just Satan trying to steal my joy and my blessings. I also often wonder “why me” and “why not so & so?”Β  I have two people that I love very much and they are hurting a lot. I just don’t understand God’s plan sometimes. I find myself thinking “it may be good for me now, but my time will come where I will be mad at God and question Him.” Those thoughts scare me. There are some things I will never understand this side of heaven. I am reminded though that even still, God is to be praised….as hard as that is. I understand how that could be so hard to do. Yet even so, we are to do it. Please God, help us understand. Amen.

12.19.08

  • I am so excited for the days ahead!
  • I feel such a relief that Jake is off for the next 9 days!!!
  • My heart was both saddened and blessed tonight for two reasons. One being that I received a WONDERFUL present from my dear sweet friend Alece…an APRON from her trip to Italy. And we all know how much I love aprons! πŸ˜‰ That of course was the blessing. The sad thing tonight was the news about Caylee Anthony’s remains being identified. That shook me to the core. My heart was so heavy and hurting. I was so sick at my stomach. It was awful. 😦 😦 😦
  • I love having my husband around. He makes me laugh and he is comforting.
  • I miss my mom and granny A LOT.
  • My sister has been on my mind and heart a lot lately. I should call her but I’m nervous and a little scared. 😦
  • I miss my nieces terribly. I was talking to Jake about them tonight and I started to choke up. I stopped myself from talking before I started to cry. Just can’t go there.
  • Out of all the boys, Aidan affects my heart the most right now. He seems very upset and angry and that hurts my heart. he is stubborn and passionate. I worry about him. I just want to hold him and tell him he is loved but he does not want affection right now. He gets VERY upset when you try to hug him or kiss him or when you tell him you love him. 😦 Makes me sad.
  • Every night as I lay here, I feel OVERWHELMING love for my boys and for Jake. So much. And I know God could take it all from me at any given moment. *sigh* I am realizing that all too much lately.
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7 responses »

  1. Thanks for sharing your heart – Papa and Mama prayed for you – out loud – last night. We love your family and know that God is with you.

    Reply
  2. ocmtod? girl!!!

    i like what you’ve been jotting down.

    i love you!

    Reply
  3. Well, regardless of the disorder, I love you sharing your thoughts πŸ™‚ I know what you mean about anticipating what might go wrong… I used to do that a lot until I realized anticipating didn’t make it better or worse, it just wasted my time. Took me awhile to realize it, though πŸ™‚

    Reply
  4. We are too much alike, Brandy. I know what you’re feeling.

    Remember sweetie, God is in control. He is trustworthy and able to handle all our fears. He’s on our side.

    Love hearing your thoughts. Love you.

    Reply
  5. Michelle!! Oh how I miss you! I miss my time to chat for hours on end! haha! πŸ˜† I really do. 😦 And yes, you and I are cut from the same cloth in many areas. *sigh* I know He is in control of my circumstances and when I feel my thoughts spiraling, I try to remember that. It’s hard to do when you sometimes don’t feel in control of your own thoughts. *sigh* Love you too friend.

    Gitz, girl, you are SO RIGHT! I’ve actually been thinking about that all day. How it’s a waste of my time. My dwelling on these things doesn’t make them better or worse or happen or not happen. When do we ever learn? πŸ˜‰ I love seeing you here by the way. makes me SMILE! I’ve missed you on twitter last coupla days.

    Alece, you like my acronym? πŸ˜† I thought about just calling it “octod” haha!! I love you friend!

    Mama and Papa, you always bring a tear to my eye when you leave such sweet comments. I love you both and *miss* you. I say *miss* like that because I’ve never seen you face to face, yet I miss you. ♥

    Reply
  6. i love your brain!

    it sounds a lot like mine.

    more than that…i love your heart. you have always, always been so concerned for others. and its genuine. not just a passing gesture. you feel deeply, you always have. youre a beautiful person Brandy!

    Reply
  7. Tam, I love that you KNOW me. ♥ Thank you for what you said! It made me feel…. hugged. πŸ˜‰

    Reply

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