TECHNICALLY it’s already Thursday (12:19am) and I can’t get on tomorrow so I’m doing it now. I didn’t want to skip this one, I’ve kinda been looking forward to it. 😀
Tonight I was staring at Owen thinking about how fast he is growing and how he’s not my little newborn anymore. 😦 How I miss the newborn!! With Dylan everything was so new and exciting, and nerve wracking b/c I was so unsure of myself. It went really fast (as they all do) but I remember every single second of it. I really do, it’s so weird how your brain can retain that kind of stuff, little tiny details. With Aidan, everything was very smooth. I was not as uptight, it was no longer new, it was comfortable. What I loved about Aidan was that it was something I had done before so I could relax and enjoy him more. Plus, Aidan was the easiest baby anyone could ever have. SO. EASY. With Owen, you’d think I’d be so laid back I’d be letting the kid raise himself at this point. NOT. Instead, my reins are pulled tighter, almost tighter than with Dylan. He is my last baby. My last newborn. My last to watch the “firsts” of. First time sitting up, first time rolling over, first time eating (well, actually, I’m not doing so well in the feeding him solid foods department just yet :wink:) first steps. All those firsts. Tonight he was playing on the floor and I was just thinking, “when did you gain so much knowledge? When did you learn to do that? How do you know to pick up that toy? How do you know that that toy is pick-up-able?” (okay, sooo not a word, but this is my blog and I’ll use non words if I want to :wink:). I went to sleep last night and he was brand spankin’ new. I woke up this morning and he was big and crawling and playing by himself and babbling and laughing. Time goes so fast. It makes me sad to think that he is my last one. Part of me regrets that we made that choice a permanent choice. But there is the part of me that knows I should NOT have more b/c of the depression I suffered when I was first pregnant with Owen. I won’t do that to my family again.
I am so thankful for my little family. I look at them and think about our move. How much I am going to miss my extended family and Jake’s family. And then I look at the boys and at Jake and think “we get to move together, they are coming with me” and while that thought makes no sense to anyone else, to me it means everything. I love them more than anything and no matter what, we will all be together.
Love is a funny thing. I love my mom and sister and granny all so very much. It is going to be hard to be away from them b/c they are such a HUGE part of my life. But my love for them is different, I can love them and be okay away from them. My love for my boys and Jake, it’s the best. There is no way I could ever be away from them, ever. I am so lucky that I get to go on this adventure to a new place with them. They are my home away from home. No matter where we live, they are my home.
I am so thankful that God gave me my dream of having a family. I don’t know what I did to deserve it, but he gave it to me. I remember when I was 15, I had this boyfriend and I remember telling him that all I really wanted to do was to have a family and be a mom and take care of them. That’s it. I never really told people that growing up b/c you were supposed to be thinking about a JOB or CAREER, not getting married and “depending on a man” to take care of you. And kids, well kids are a burden don’t ya know? Oh no, I think North Dakota slang just crept into my blog!!!! 😯 😆
I think I wandered a lot in this post, but all of it is to say that I am so incredibly thankful for my boys. I look at them and life makes sense. I make sense. It’s hard for me right now to realize that one day they will have their own lives and I won’t be needed anymore. But isn’t that the goal? 😉 I need to cherish the time I have with them now, and…..be ever so thankful for them. I don’t know why God gave me boys, but for some reason he knew I’d be the best mommy for them. That puzzles me everyday, but I am so grateful for it. I’m still trying to figure out how to be the mom they need and deserve, but in the meantime, I’m content to just stare into their little faces and thank God for my precious babies. 😀 Amen. 😉