God Laughs

My sister in law has this saying, “make plans and hear God laugh” and she is soooo right.

Kim emailed everyone from our link group asking for volunteers to host this weekend. I volunteered.

My sister in law is coming this tuesday to help me with stuff for moving. She is an organizational freak and I am lucky she is so willing to help me, considering she lives in Portland.

This morning, the boys woke up with green goo. GREEN GOO. Their noses look like they had green play doh shoved up there. Totally gross. Oh, and Owen is coughing a bit. Oh, AND he threw up last night. Projectile vomit across the couch. For about an hour or so afterwards I was in a complete panic waiting for “the other shoe to drop.” It never did, thank God. Owen remained bubbly and happy and NOT passed out.

God is laughing at my plans I think. I had to cancel on link group and I emailed my sister in law telling her about the boys. If they are sick she can’t come b/c she has a 3yo and my brother in law is self employed so he REALLY can’t get sick.

I am really really hoping and praying they are not sick come Monday night/Tuesday morning.

I’m frustrated today.

I had a dream about moving last night. We moved into the most narrow house ever. It was a nice house, but it was narrow. Weird. Oh, and we made the drive in two days. That was sweet.

God, please don’t laugh at our plans to move.

Oh and something really great: Owen is crawling. The kid is on the move!! It’s amazing how fast they pick this stuff up. He is better today than he was yesterday. Every day he gets better and better. I love it.

I love my kids. I love watching them be creative. For Valentines I got them play doh sets. A play doh duffel bag of play doh stuff with cutters, and a pasta maker, and a roller. They each got one. And they each got a play doh tub. One tub is for picnic stuff and the other is for animals. They have played with those for HOURS. They love it. Especially Dylan. I thought I would not like them having play doh but they seem to be doing pretty well with it.

Today we are going to go through more stuff to take to the dump. I wish I could snap my fingers and have this done. I am seriosly contemplating moving into our trailer NOW and just coming to the house to do stuff for the move. That way what I get done stays done. I don’t know. That seems extreme. But it also would simplify things for me. If my sister in law (she does have a name btw, it’s Teresa haha) comes I think we’ll do that after she leaves actually. That is what we were going to do after the movers take all of our stuff anyway.

Okay, off to do something productive. I promised Sean I’d blog about the sweet potato allergy thing, so I will for sure be back this weekend with that. Check Sean out. He has a baby on the way.

BUSTED

Brent busted me!

Okay so I said I wouldn’t be getting on here for a few days, and while I did really good the first day, the second day not so much. I did refrain from posting and commenting though. Now that is quite the accomplishment on my part. haha!

Even though I didn’t completely stay away, I did minimize my time drastically. And what a difference it made! It was a good lesson for me in priorities, boundaries, and everything in MODERATION. Too much of anything IS a bad thing.

In my profile when I say I tend to get sucked into the computer once I turn it on….yeah, I wasn’t kidding. Even though I am reading some amazing stuff and having some great conversations, or enjoying a friendly debate here and there, too much is too much. And when your kid tells you he feels gooerish about you being on the computer….well, that’ll snap you to attention if nothing else.

I did accomplish a lot these last few days, and the best part, I was able to hear God without all the “noise” in my head. God knows my heart, and he knows what I am struggling with, but when I am so immersed in what I am doing elsewhere, I can’t hear him. What I miss when I am not paying attention! All this time (last couple of months) I’ve felt like a failure at being a good mom, wife, homemaker. Brent reminded me that I am a perfectionist. Yes, yes I am. *Hi I’m Brandy and I am a perfectionist* meaning that I have this IDEA in my mind of how I want things to be, and I can NEVER reach it. EVER. And I know it. So instead of just trying to be good at stuff, I don’t even try b/c I know I won’t reach my level of perfection…..the unrealistic one I have in my head. Just being good is not good enough. It has to be perfect. And if it’s not, why bother? See my problem? I have a feeling this is going to be a life long battle for me. Like an alcoholic is always an alcoholic. A perfectionist is always a perfectionist. Every day is a battle to “stay on the wagon” so to say, for lack of a better example at the moment.

I have always been a fan of the sayings “go big or go home” and “if you’re going to do a half a$$ job, don’t do it at all” and “there is right way and a wrong way and your way is not right” (haha). That last one is a testament to the fact that I can’t accept help either. I am bad at that. And only I can fix that.

The other thing I have enjoyed these last two days: my kids. Oh the fun we’ve had! And that’s always worth it.

So here is my attempt at adding a little imperfect “grey” into my life. Finding a middle ground. Setting some boundaries. Being imperfect.

My Favorite Things

Beaming boy smiles and little baby kisses
Long brown eyelashes and magical wishes
Pulling around all their cars with a string
These are a few of my favorite things

Warm cups of hot chocolate and marshmallow minis
Special treats and good eats and magical pennies
Watching them run and gleefully sing
These are a few of my favorite things

Boys in blue jeans with dirt on their knees
Hearing “I love you” and “thanks” and “please”
Kissing their boo boos after a ding
These are a few of my favorite things

When my head hurts
When the dinner burns
When I’m feeling mad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don’t feel so bad

Be thankful you aren’t a thought in my head….

…..because you would surely get lost.

WOW the last few days have whizzed by! I can’t even really remember what exactly has happened or gone on. Let’s see if I can try….

Wednesday I watched the girls and thought that was my last day for the week and that I’d have Thursday and Friday to do stuff for me (translation: focus on my family and the purging that has yet to have happened in any significant amount). That night my sister called at the last minute for me to watch them early the next morning, which I didn’t want to do, but agreed to anyway. Now, I LOVE and ADORE my nieces as much as my own kids, so not wanting to watch them had nothing to do with them. It had more to do with my sanity and stress level. When we found out about the move coming so fast, I decided I would not watch them anymore so I could prepare things (and myself) around here. I am REALLY feeling the pressure and stress as the time is really flying by. It makes me tear up just thinking about it. So anyway, I agreed to watch them, after a mini-argument with my sister about how I CAN’T DO IT anymore. I did say I’d do it on M and W b/c those are school days and my niece and Dylan go together, so no biggie there. But other than that, I really can’t if I want to take care of our stuff. So all day Thursday I stressed b/c my sister was going to hire some RANDOM person she picked out of the newspaper to watch them. Someone who is NOT state certified BTW. I have issues with that. I don’t trust people to watch little kids who don’t/won’t go through the neccessary hoops to make sure that they are doing it in a safe environment that is being regulated. Maybe it’s b/c of all the training I had to go through to have my own daycare on base…..but it just KILLED me to think of my neices going to some random stranger watching my neices. Now I know what some may be thinking “not your problem” and maybe it’s not. But would I be saying that if something happened to them? No, I would be saying “I should have just kept doing it b/c it was the right and loving thing to do.” So, at the end of the day, making sure my neices were safe and somewhere they would be loved was more important than winning a battle with my sister (the battle being she kept asking me to watch them after I told her I couldn’t, and I’m a pushover when it comes to them). So, I’ve caved and told her I’ll watch them until the 12th. After that, I won’t really have a house to watch them in. And if I do, I won’t want it messed up with 5 kids around b/c that will be the week my sister in law is coming to help me purge and organize. Plus, my neices are going to stay with their dad for two months at the end of this month. That makes me sad. So does moving away from them. I told my older neice (3) that we were moving to North Dakota and she got really sad and said “I want to go with you.” That broke my heart. I love her. I love them both.

Friday was my running around day. I don’t think I have taken the boys out for a full day of running errands and such in MONTHS. They did really good too for not having naps….well, until later at dinner. We had a hair appt for Dylan and Aidan at noon:30 and then we went to see Daddy at work to see if he’d had lunch yet. He had. So, we went and got some lunch and decided to take it home b/c Dylan had to potty and Owen had to eat. While were home Jake called and said to come back and get him b/c he was done for the day. So, we got together after eating and picked up Daddy, only to bring him back home and change out of his BDU’s. He said he didn’t want people staring at him in the stores! haha! What is funny to me about that is on base, no one would give him a second look if we ran errands with him dressed like that. So funny. Even off base it wouldn’t have been looked at funny.
We went to Target to check out the snowboots someone had told me they had on sale. Well it must have been a good sale b/c they were all gone. Bummer. Then we went to G.I. Joe’s, or as it is now annoyingly called, Joe’s. What’s with dropping the G.I.??? Anyway, we found boots for the boys there. CAMO boots! heehee They are SO CUTE. We had picked out a blue pair for Aidan b/c they had it in his size but they didn’t for Dylan so we found the Camo ones for Dylan. I REALLY like the boys to match (my SIL is rolling her eyes right now haha!) so I told Jake to check for Aidan’s size. They had one up from his size so we tried it on and it worked. yeah! I figure with thick wool socks that’ll make up the difference. heehee After that we tried on some snow bibs for them. The pants they had were all too big so bibs it is. And of course, they match.
After Joe’s we went to Walmart. I’m not sure why, but we ended up loading up the cart on who knows what. I really don’t remember now. ugh. I know we got Aidan a good jacket b/c he really needed a larger one. It’s camo too, but the bummer is that Jake wouldn’t let me get Dylan a camo one too! Dylan DOES have a jacket that fits, but a camo one that matches with brother would be so much cuter. I tried again tonight to get it but Jake said “NO” and I said “we’ll see about that.” hahaha! Those who know me best know I’ll be getting that jacket for Dylan before we move.
After walmart we went to eat at Black Bear Diner. Dylan has been wanting to eat there for MONTHS. I kid you not, he has specifically been asking to go there and he never forgets about it either. Jake tried ALL afternoon to get him to change his mind to Red Robin but he never did. So, Black Bear it was. And that was the first, and most likely last, time we will go there. The service was less than, Aidan was downright disobedient, and the food was….. okay. That is a bit of a funny story. I can’t eat meat with bone in it. At all. I gag, at the very least. So I ordered chicken stuffed with broccoli and cheese….sounded soooo good. It came with a side salad. Well my salad came and the BOYS devoured my salad. I didn’t mind so much since it was probably the only veggie they had willingly eaten all day. Then the waitress came back (after about 20 minutes) and said that they were OUT of stuffed chicken. WHA?! Whatever. So I said I’d have the fried chicken. I don’t know WHAT possessed me to order that, but for some reason I was thinking of a chicken breast when I said that. So when my plate FINALLY came (another 15-20 minutes) and I saw the BONE chicken…wings, thighs, legs, DRUMSTICK, I almost gagged. I tried to keep my face straight for the sake of the waitress. Jake was shooting me knowing glances and a hidden grin. As soon as she left Jake said “Well I don’t know what YOU’RE going to eat for dinner tonight” hahaha!! Seriously. Thank goodness for the coleslaw and fried squash and zucchini that came with my meal. Oh and the HONKIN’ piece of bread. I tried, really I tried to eat the chicken, but I almost threw it all up on the table after two bites. I couldn’t do it.
I also ordered a blackberry milkshake to go. I didn’t taste it until we were out in the truck. It was like I was drinking freezing cold tasteless paste with bits of tire pebbles. Seriously. No flavor. At all.
Jake wanted to go to DQ for his dessert, so while we were there I ordered myself a chicken strips basket! haha!! We stopped at his parents house and I ate my food and gave them the fried chicken (we took it with us b/c SOMEONE would eat it) and the milkshake. haha! Even my MIL thought the shake had no taste. I had a LAAAAAAME night of eating out. It’s kind of funny thinking back on it though.

Today my mom said she’d take the boys so we could work around here unbothered. Well this morning the phone rang and I didn’t get it and let the machine get it b/c we were still in bed. It was mom so I had Dylan get me the phone and I called her back. Apparently it was AFTER 9!! How in the world all five of us slept that late I don’t know, but I was happy about it!! Told her I’d bring them over later. Jake took them around 11. I had a hair appt at 2 that I completely forgot about until Kathy (our WONDERFUL hair lady) reminded me about it yesterday when I was there for the boys. So we had a bit of time to clean before I had to go. Jake was going to drop me off and go to Sportmans Warehouse. After he dropped me off I called and said “come back and get me” b/c Kathy decided we could wait another month on my color. haha!! So we visited instead and she held Owen a while.

I went with Jake to SW and we both tried on snowboots. I got a REALLY cute suede pair. That was actually all they had for women…suede. But mine are really cute and don’t even look like snowboots. They are temperature rated for -40* so I think I’ll be okay. haha! We got some more winter weather accessories and headed out. We went back to walmart b/c we forgot stuff yesterday. I got a bunch of space bags for clothes and linens and we got a lot of household cleaners so we can really get to work on our move out checklist around here. We really want our full refund back. $$$$$ After all that we grabbed some dinner and picked up the boys and came home and we ate. Now we’re just sitting around hanging out. Actually, me and the boys are hanging out. Jake is cleaning the bathrooms. hahaha!! Ahhh, this is the life.

This last week I have spent a considerable amount of time online researching homeschooling. It really just sort of fell into my lap. I was browsing blogs and following links and happened upon this website. I really delved into it and have been totally captivated by it and the women that contribute to it. That has led me to other homeschooling blogs that I have really enjoyed. One blog is about UNSCHOOLING and it has really made me think about a lot as a mother. Her main blog is really good too.

All of the stuff I have been reading has been very inspiring and has led to blogs of amazing women. I feel very blessed to have “stumbled” upon these sites. I almost wonder if God is tapping my shoulder again? I’ve talked to Jake about some of it, just so he knows where my heart is wandering on this issue. I had thought a few years back that I would want to homeschool, and then I decided I didn’t think I could be that disciplined and just kind of let it go. Now after reading all of this stuff I see that there are many different options for homeschooling. It doesn’t seem that daunting actually. And after reading the unschooling blog, I see that I am already teaching them. I just didn’t realize it. That kind of inspires me to take it to the next level.
I think I am going to give homeschooling a lot of thought in the next year. I will research it a lot and try to even incorporate some of it into our lives and see how it goes before I really commit to it for Dylans first “official” year. It IS something I really WANT to do, I just don’t know if I am CAPABLE of doing it. I have a lot of reasons for wanting to do it too, one of which is b/c with our lifestyle, they would be changing schools every couple of years.

Another thing that I noticed was how much these women really trusted in God and tried to be good wives and mothers. It was a daily act for them to focus on what kind of wife and mother they were being. I think about being a mom everyday, but sometimes I’m not focused on how I can be better, I’m just focused on getting through the day. And I really don’t focus on how to be a good wife. I just sort of wing it there. And to be honest, there is a lot of OLD resentments tied up there that I still have from years ago, and a few that are current that need to be addressed. But even still, I need to put more effort into being the wife GOD wants me to be, even if I am still holding onto past resentments. I am really thankful I found these blogs b/c they have been a great witness to me this last week, and I think will continue to be.

I have been watching the boys lately and really getting emotional when I see them playing together or when I think about moving them away from the ONLY home they have ever known, and grandparents, and cousins, and aunts and uncles, and taking Dylan away from school. He loves his teacher and going to school. I am also scared to be a mom away from my own mom and grandma. They have been there every step of the way and been a real help to me, and almost like second parents when it comes to the boys. Mostly b/c Jake worked so much I really depended on them for help and for company. It gets lonely being home all day when he would work such loooooong hours. I am nervous for that happening in Minot before I have a support system, which could be awhile. In the meantime I am thankful for the internet.

Jake and I have had a lot going on between the two of us as well. It’s been very stressful and trying lately with all the details of this move and things at work are threatening to hinder our move date a bit. It’s complicated so I won’t go into it here. Mostly just paperwork stuff, but stressful none the less. I don’t think he and I have done a very good job of remaining as one through this and it’s starting to show. We really need to get on board with eachother and work as a team if we are going to come out of this stronger together. I think we’ve both just let the stress and shock of it all get to us in a bad way. Moving with an entire family really IS stressful, especially while dealing with our everyday stresses as well. Before when we moved Dylan was just one month old so it really wasn’t that bad, and we didn’t have NEAR as much stuff as we have now. More crap = more stress.

Sorry I have nothing funny or even substantial in this blog. It’s more of a brain dump tonight. I’ve really been feeling the nervous butterflies lately and not in a good way. The countdown is on and soon it will be March and we’ll be on our way to North Dakota!!

Slumber party with mom!

Since Jake was gone last night I decided that we’d toss the normal routine out the window and just chill last night. The boys played like crazy and then sat in front of the boob tube for awhile. They were tired but in all honesty, I didn’t want them to go to bed at their normal time either. I know, mean mom. I hate being home alone after the boys go to bed when it’s that creepy quiet in the house.
Around 8:30/9 I suggested we make COOKIES! I wrote down the word in big letters on a piece of paper and made Dylan sound it out before we made them. He was SO EXCITED when he figured out what it was! So, we made cookies. That was interesting. Luckily Owen was asleep so I could give the boys all of my attention, which was definately needed. They took turns adding ingredients and watching the mixer mix the dough. We had a few close calls b/c Aidan thought he might like to stick his hand in the mixer….caught him just in time. Goodness that kid has NO FEAR. Dylan on the other hand was very cautious. I spooned out the dough onto the cookie sheet….I had them point to where they wanted me to put it since I wasn’t letting them touch the dough. I didn’t want to deal with that mess. Aidan was a sneaky little stink…he kept sticking his finger in the dough and eating it, to which I said “you are going to get sick if you keep eating that!” I was nervous he’d have an upset tummy all night. Luckily he didn’t.
After the cookies came out of the oven I let them have ONE. They were so excited to see their “creation.” haha! I should have anticipated some whining after that b/c they wanted MORE cookies. I finally suggested something else to do….BOOKS. They grabbed a bunch of books from their room and brought them out the couch. We piled on the couch and read all of them. That was kind of fun b/c they actually sat there and paid attention! They rarely sit for that long during books. After books I let them get into our bed and watch a movie. “Mozart Sleepy Time” haha! wink wink! They thought they were getting to watch a movie and I knew they were getting a chance to wind down. I should say I THOUGHT they were actually…. I found them in there playing about 10 minutes later! ha! Stinkers. I had been feeding Owen in the living room and could hear them giggling. We turned off the movie and went into their room for prayers and tucking in. I didn’t hear a peep out of them all night! I was happy!

Around 1 a.m. when I was heading to bed I went and got Dylan up to go to the bathroom. He decided again last night he wanted to go without a diaper. I got him up, he went and I put him back to bed. Around 3 he climbed into bed with me and I barely noticed. I was so tired! All I remember was him saying “will you get my paci out of my bed?” and I rolled over and went back to sleep! HAHA!! I can’t believe I didn’t go get it for him! THat makes me laugh. He managed fine without it apparently b/c he went to sleep too. At 6 a.m. he SHOT straight up in bed and startled me. I said “what’s wrong bud?” and he said “PEE. I HAVE TO PEE” haha! I said “quick, get to the bathroom quick!” and he ran in there. Luckily he made it fine. I checked our bed and it was dry thankfully! We went back to bed but the Owen was up to eat so I brought him to our bed too. I think we were able to sleep about two more hours after that. I still didn’t roll out of bed though until 9:30. haha! I love just laying in bed even when you’re still awake. It’s nice and cozy. Dylan on the other hand was up. He is always up the minute he SENSES daylight!

It’s raining/snowing off and on today. Everytime I look out the window it’s different. Hopefully the roads won’t be TOO bad for Jake coming home. I’ll be glad when he’s home.

Today my grandma is having her lung biopsy. I hope that goes well and that she makes it through it fine and that it comes back okay. Praying praying praying it’s not cancer.

Laundry is beckoning…..

Brat Attack

*copied and pasted from my myspace blog yesterday*
10:20 PM – Brat Attack! Current mood: tired
Okay so maybe calling it a brat attack is a little harsh…..
Today I took Dylan and Mckenna to their first birthday party with their “friends” from their preschool class, all 5 of them, not including Dylan and Mckenna. I was the only parent to hang back and stick around. Seriously, WHO leaves their 3 and 4 year old kids with total strangers? And no, all of these parents DON’T know eachother. They just know that their kids go to preschool together. I was not comfortable leaving my kids at someone’s house that I did not know. So, I hung around. Good thing too b/c Dylan was NOT having it….. it took him about 45 minutes to melt off of me, and then it was only for cake. Mckenna on the other hand was gone the minute we walked through the front door! LOL She is such a busy little social butterfly! The party consisted of 4 girls and 2 boys so the main theme of afternoon was princesses and dolls. Not much to participate in for the boys except tossing balloons around, which Dylan was more than happy to do.
When it was time for cake all the kids were sitting around the table and the parents were in the kitchen getting the cake ready. I was sitting in a chair off to the side. The little girl whose bday it was has a 10 year old brother and he had two friends over. She started calling her brother a STUPID POO POO FACE and laughing and before I knew every other kid (besides my two) was doing the same thing. I was relieved that mine weren’t following suite. The dad came in with a video camera and was taping all of the kids saying STUPID POO POO FACE and he was actually LAUGHING. I was not happy. I also felt uncomfortable b/c I wanted them to stop b/c I KNEW it was just a matter of time before Dylan and Mckenna would feel pressure to join in. I didn’t feel it was my place to discipline the other kids though and that the parents of the bday girl should have put a stop to it.
Just as I had expected I heard Dylan say “POO POO FACE!” and I immediately snapped “DYLAN.” and looked at him and shook my head with my most serious face. Next was Mckenna, to which I did the same thing. Both of them just sat there with these stone cold looks on their faces. The other kids were all laughing and STILL saying it. They thought it was hilarious. Dylan and Mckenna both tried it ONE more time and I finally said “we don’t talk like that OR call names, UNDERSTAND?” and I never heard another POO POO out of either one of them. I felt bad for them though, they were totally under the peer pressure sitting at that table and were probably a little embarrassed that I called them on it right there, but I just did NOT want my kiddos behaving like that. I was slightly disappointed that they did, but at the same time not surprised….they are learning still.
The little girl that this party was for was SO SELFISH too. No one could play with ANYTHING at all and her grandma and mom just sat there watching her boss everyone around and take toys from them while saying “no, you can’t have that.” She said it to Mckenna when Mckenna picked up a doll to play with and Mckenna of course got upset and I made a point to say in front of the grandma “Mckenna honey, if she doesn’t want you to play with her special toy then I guess she needs to put it away where it can’t be played with, and I want you to remember not to be selfish honey (hint hint to the bday girl).” I was SO IRRITATED.
Needless to say, it was QUITE an experience for sure. I left there thinking “oh my gosh, these two are MUCH BETTER behaved than the kids in their class. I am so surprised at how well behaved they were compared to the other kids!” I really think somedays that I must have kids that are tyrants b/c I see them ALL the time and at their worst and I worry that they show their “tantrum” side when I can’t see them all the time. Well I was pleasantly surprised today. I called my mom and said “Dylan and Mckenna are FAR better behaved than the kids they go to school with” and she told me that their teacher (a close friend of my moms) tells her that all the time….. they are the youngest kids in their class, and the best behaved. I was one proud mama today, that’s for sure.
Note to self: never let them attend a bday party alone!

Alert the media, I’m posting a blog!

So I think I’ve given up on the whole blog thing lately. Seriously I am just TOO busy and I tend to get sucked in when I am online so I try not to get on too much anymore. When I can manage to get on it’s so late and I can’t think straight enough to blog. Plus I think “what would I write about? Pooping, peeing, nursing, spit up, cleaning, errands…..” the list goes on and on of boring day to day stuff. There has been some cute exciting stuff though.
Owen rolled over on his FOUR MONTH bday. That was exciting. He instantly flips over to his belly when we lay him on his back. He is so cute too the way he just looks up and around at everything. We went to Jake’s Recruiters Annual around the middle of the month. That was actually a LOT of fun. I am so glad I ended up going with him for sure. Up until the night before it was still not for sure that I was going. I am glad it worked out though. We had a nice time together. My sister came back from Utah after only a month there. Not sure what the story really is there but I think she is back to stay. I am glad to see my nieces though so that is good! I was sad about the thought of not really knowing baby Naomi so I am glad to get to see her. Dylan is just over the moon that McKenna is here. They are so close it just breaks my heart to think of how sad he will be when we move. To be honest though, I am glad that now McKenna has a little sister to be buddies with b/c before when they were gone (the last time) she didn’t really have a buddy but now she will, and Dylan has Aidan and soon Owen will be joining in on the fun. That kid is growing like a WEED! He is just SO cute and full of smiles. I don’t think I have had a baby that smiles so much. Aidan hardly ever smiled as a baby and Dylan did smile a lot, but he fussed a lot too. Owen just smiles all the time. He is sleeping better too. My mom weened him off of the paci while we were gone that week and ironically he sleeps a LOT better without it. I am glad. I wouldn’t have been strong enough to ween him off of it. Also I am giving him ONE, just ONE, formula bottle at night. It was very hard the first time I gave it to him b/c I felt AWFUL but he sleeps so much better at night after that bottle and I am desperate for more than two hours of sleep at a time. My mom said that she did that with him when she had him and he slept really good so I thought I’d give it a try. Turns out it’s working. With Dylan I let him have a bottle every so often b/c I didn’t pump much with him so when he was with my mom or someone else they’d just give him formula and it never bothered me. Aidan on the other hand only had ONE formula bottle his entire “nursing” period and that was when he had “hand, foot, mouth disease” and went on a nursing strike. After that one bottle I felt devestated so I pumped. I was a bit nazi about it. I am trying to find a happy medium here. I feel okay about it too, especially since I have every intention of nursing this one as long as possible. I am hoping two years. Aidan went for 15 months so that was nice.
We got out tree up today. YES we have a fake tree. YOU try having two boys who wrestle and play like crazy and a baby that puts everything in his mouth….. we would have a floor full of needles and a naked tree if we did a real one this year. Our first “fake” year was last year. I was just TIRED of dealing with the needles falling from the boys touching the tree all the time and worrying about the needles getting eaten. I LOVE having a fake tree though. I thought I would not like it so much but I do like it. I look at it like this……. being a military family we will never really have more than a few Christmases in the same house. We can’t go to the SAME tree farm every year, we can’t put decorations in the SAME place every year, we can’t decorate outside the SAME every year. There are few things that can be a constant and if a fake tree is one of those it actually gives me a sense of comfort, if that makes any sense. A friend of mine told me once that it always bugged her that nothing could be “traditionally done” b/c you are always moving so she had certain things she ALWAYS did or put up and her kids loved that some of those things were always the same. So, our tree will always be the same, and I like that now. I said when we bought it I would only do a fake tree while the kids were little and until they are old enough to want a real one I think that is how it is going to be. Right now I like the idea of something staying the same.
Jake put up our outside lights on Thanksgiving. I love being the first house on the street with our lights up. He did a good job. The boys LOVE it! Dylan is so funny and has such a good memory too! He said “WHY did Daddy put a wreath on the garage? We did NOT have one on there LAST year!” HA! He is right too…we didn’t! Another sort of funny thing he is saying….when Aidan is jabbering at him Dylan says “Okay Aidan, that’s enough, I have told you a HUNDRED times already!” heehee And today when Aidan was telling Dylan about something Dylan said “Aidan you have told me that a HUNDRED times, you can stop now!” AH HA HA! Gee, I wonder where he heard THAT from?
Aidan is a little copy cat too….. EVERYTHING Dylan says he says. Like just now Dylan was calling for me in his bed and I said “what do you want” and he said “I have to go poop” so I let him up to do that. When I took him back to bed Aidan was standing up in his crib and said “I have to go poops too!” heehee Silly kid. He so badly wants to be JUST like Dylan.
Tonight I think Jake and I are going to drag out the decorations for the inside of the house. We are going to do the tree decorations tomorrow night. Jake is going on 12’s this week until further notice (all of them are) so really this will be our only time to really do a full days worth of stuff for a long time. And I don’t want a bare tree up for over a week before we decorate it and I would love his help doing the house too. So, we will welcome December with a fully decked house, inside and out.

Back in the (blog) saddle again!

12:25 AM – How does this blog thing work again? It’s been so long…. Current mood: tired
I feel like a newbie blogger all over again. Where do I begin? What do I say? Will anyone even READ this word vomit?

The funny thing about blogging is that you tend to think in “blog” even when you aren’t currently blogging. It has been driving me NUTS to be blogging in my mind and have no time or access to spit it all out. Now that I am here I am blank. BLANK I tell you blank! How is this possible??? I’ll just be sproradic in my thoughts tonight I guess…. although, how is this any different than a normal day? I KNOW you were totally thinking that.

Some things have been going through my mind….

The California fires….oh.my.word. Can I just say that I sat there watching and thinking about all of those people and all of that stuff that they lost, irreplaceable stuff, and I was just so overwhelmed. All I could think about was my kids. What would I do if I was all alone and something like that happened? How would I get my kids out? What would I do? I have too many kids… KIDDING! I just don’t have enough arms. I need one more. That would be sweet. Or creepy. Anyway, watching all of that footage just made me feel so grateful for everything we have. When we got married we literally had NOTHING. Not even a bed. Jake had to go buy our first bed before I moved to Missouri. Note to self, never let Jake buy a bed w/o me there. I swear he bought a piece of concrete slab. I hated that bed. I love my bed now though. California King baby! Oh yeah. It’s funny the things you think about when you are watching someone else’s tradgedy. I just sat and looked around my house, looked at my kids while they were sleeping, looked at Jake picking his nose (KIDDING!) and just was overwhelmed with how blessed we have been and how lucky we are to even be where we are today. Not that things are perfect, oh my word no. In fact, I am sure I could find MORE to complain about than to be happy about, but seeing all of those burned down houses really put things in perpsective for me. I have been lacking perspective lately.

Having Three Boys…. what did I get myself into? AH HA HA! SERIOUSLY! I watch Dylan and Aidan wrestling and I just cringe at the anticipation I feel waiting to hear a bone snap or a see an eye roll across the floor! I was talking to my mom on the phone the other day while watching them attempt to kill each other and I said “Oh my gosh mom all they do is wrestle and beat the crap out of each other! It makes me nervous!” and she said “Brandy! You have BOYS! You’d better get used to it!” I said “I know, but it makes me so nervous!” What’s new? Something makes me nervous. Alert the media. I just think about Owen in another year and a half or so and wonder if he’ll survive the other two! Poor little fella! But really truly, I look at my three boys lately and I am just overwhelmed with how much I love them. I told Jake that I look at them and just want to cry b/c I want to hold them forever and never let them go ever. They grow so fast.

My meds….. okay so remember that blog “Oh blah dee oh blah daa life goes on…” and how I was talking about being depressed and all that jazz? Well I did call my doctor and I did get in with a therapist and I did get on meds. It was the toughest decision I think I have ever made. Seriously. I was very torn over it. I cried a lot of tears deciding if I should do this. I even sat in my OB’s office and cried to her. I cried to my pediatrician. I cried to my lactation consultant. Seriously, I cried a lot. I finally decided that I was tired of being tired and tired of being SAD all the time. Let’s just say it does get darkest before the dawn and in hindsight I see that a lot of things really did happen for a reason. Two of those things being the fact that we are not moving right now. I NEVER would have broke down and called my doctor had we gotten our orders. I just wouldn’t have. I was putting all my hope in moving, and that was wrong. Another thing was my computer. I think that if I had had access to my computer during all of this I wouldn’t have given myself the chance I needed to realign my life and priorities. I was spending way too much time online. It was my numbing drug I think. Honestly, it let me get lost when I couldn’t cope with anything else. Now that I have been on them for a while and they have kicked in, I can COMPLETELY tell the difference. I am happier. I am not a snapping at everyone around me. I can cope with a less than perfect house. Not that it doesn’t bother me still, but I can handle it a lot better. I don’t cringe when I hear my kids being kids. I don’t dread the next day. I don’t want to cry just because I woke up and am dreading the day. Now I wake up and think, “where do I start? what do I need to do?” and it doesn’t overwhelm me most days like it did before. I feel normal again. As normal as I can be. har har! heehee I still have a long way to go, and I’m continuing therapy for that, and charting my moods and days, but I am thinking more clearly and the fog is lifting. I am so grateful for that right now.

My mom and Bob…. they are getting a divorce and really I am surprised at how this is affecting me. I really am sad about this. I hadn’t been letting myself think about it before b/c really I don’t think I could emotionally handle it before, but now, I’ve been thinking about it and I don’t like it. It makes me sad. Already I find myself not liking whoever my mom would choose to date after the divorce. How “ten years old” is that?! I am sad to think about the house that I basically grew up in not being there anymore for me to call “home.” Even though Bob and I aren’t “tight” I did find comfort in seeing him around the house and just knowing that he was there. I didn’t always agree with him or even completely enjoy him all the time, in fact we disagreed a lot, but I still just always felt like he would always be around. It never really occured to me that he could NOT be there one day. I know my mom is unhappy, and I want her to be happy, I just wish it didn’t have to be this way. And then, in thinking that, I feel like I’m not being loyal to her or something, and I want to be loyal to my mom and support her, but I just feel torn. Like I am betraying her by saying that I will miss Bob or even that I wish she wasn’t divorcing him.

Jake’s stupid Annual Banquet coming up…… seriously I am not really looking forward to this thing. I am however looking forward to three nights away with my husband and NO kids! This is our yearly “get away” and as much as I don’t like faking a friendly face for a bunch of people that I would love to scream at, I will do just about anything to hang with Jake for a few days minus the kids. We are so good when it’s just us and no kids. I miss those days in Missouri when it was just us hanging out all the time. I love when we get a piece of that back….. like on our date nights or our little trips like this. We do this trip and one for our anniversary, but that has only been since we moved back here. I hope it’s something we can keep up after we move (if we ever move!) The one thing I really am looking forward to though is wearing my dress. This dress is AMAZING! I love it. It is gorgeous! And my goal is for NO ONE to guess that had a baby since last years annual, since last year I was hecka skinny and everyone commented on it (b/c the year before that I was 9 months pregnant!). I love when Jake is proud and that is my goal for him. That is one thing I remember reading in “For Women Only” that husbands really are proud when their wives try to look nice for them and how sometimes other men will see a guys wife and think either “WOW he’s lucky, she takes care of herself (by trying to look nice)” or they think “poor guy” and I will not have people say “poor guy!” Although, I have not been excercising really at all and that is baaaad. I have hit a wall with this weight loss and it’s clear to me that I am not going to lose anymore unless I kick it up a notch. I guess I should use that elliptical I bought huh?

Okay I think that is enough for tonight. Good grief it’s late and Owen is awake again to eat.

Oh blah dee Oh blah daa life goes on…..

ooooooh la la la la life goes on. (Sorry I had to.)

Anyway, I came here for serious reasons and I now I have that song stuck in my head. So I guess I’ll get a few other things out of my head so I can concentrate on why I’m here at all.
I hate ants. They are evil. They have devoured my kitchen. I believe there are ants in hell….it’s part of the package.
I hate it when there are people missing from a party, especially if they have implied they are coming…. now I am left with party favors and balloons I don’t know what to do with. ugh. (however my sisters shower was still pretty sweeeeeet. hehe)
I hate a messy house, and mine is half messy….really. The kitchen (besides the ants), the bathroom, the living room, and dining area (so not a room) is clean….. however all the bedrooms and our bathroom are a mess. blah. And you may be asking “how do you have ants if your kitchen is clean?” I have no idea. They are coming from UNDER the fridge. Great. Guess what I’ll be doing tomorrow. Last night they were coming from under the stove so I pulled that out and vacuumed and mopped the floor under the stove. That was fun. *SNIDE*
Did I mention I hate ants??

Okay I think that was everything that is grating on me at the moment.

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So I made a call on, ummm…. Thursday I think? to my OB and told her that I basically lied on Monday at my 6 week check up. I am slightly depressed, but not in a horribly negative way. I know, that sounds stupid. I think it’s more anxiety than anything. Sometimes uncontrollable anxiety. Sometimes edginess (shaking, jitters). Sometimes downright SADNESS for no reason at all. I KNOW it’s the hormones, what else would it be?I have just been fighting this. I told her it’s not like it was when I was pg with Owen….that was pure evil anger. This is just SAD. Really. I was crying on the stinking phone talking to her about it b/c I was mad that I lied and didn’t just take care of this on Monday. Before I talked to her I did some research online about antidepressants while nursing. EVERYTHING said “the benefits of nursing and the mother’s wellbeing far outweigh the risks to the baby” and I just don’t think I buy that load. I can’t wrap my brain around ANY reason to subject my baby to drugs that will have some not so great effects on him. The one she wants to put me on she said is recommended for nursing b/c it ONLY will cause sleepiness, less frequent nursing, and weight loss in my baby. ONLY. Oh well in THAT case where do I sign up to make my baby stop eating, start sleeping, and lose weight?!?! He’s looking a bit chunky, it’s time to put him on a CELEXA diet. ugh. I just cannot justify it in my brain right now. It breaks my heart. I told her all of my worries and how I would feel horrible guilt for any side effects to him. She suggested I talk to their counselor about it and together (all three of us) can determine if that is a good option for me or not. I’m not sure. I just wish I could do this on my own.
Funny thing is though…. that yesterday and today I actually got my butt up and DID stuff…. like showered and was busy all day long…..and I feel pretty good. I’m tired, but I’m not weepy and I’m not edgy. BUT, yesterday I didn’t have any of the kids with me all day (shower prepping) and today was a whirlwind that ended with a big party. My appt with the counselor is on Thursday and with my doctor on Friday. My goal this week is to try to get up and get ready for the day and be busy everyday….whether it’s busy at home, or elsewhere, but just be DOING something instead of sitting on my arse. I need to have a goal for the day. I am hoping that that will make a difference. I don’t know. I could just be kidding myself.
I do know that at the end of the day the yucky feelings, the “not right with myself” feelings are still lingering there. I hate hormones.

The counselor I have seen off and on for 2 years now and just got done seeing again (Jake and I just went a few times together) was telling me that I have my feelings of worth wrapped up in how well I keep my house clean, how good of a wife/mom/daughter/friend I am…. and that that’s not right. I don’t agree.I was kind of frustrated the last time I talked to her b/c she thinks that I need to let everything go and not worry about it. Easier said than done. And so what if my feelings of worth ARE wrapped up in those things…..those are the things I want to be good at. The things I WANT to do well in my life. I may have grown up saying I wanted to DO something “when I was all grown up” but always in my mind I had a picture of what I wanted to BE. And a (semi) perfect SAHM was always what I pictured. Am I holding myself up to a standard that is too high? Is what I always pictured unattainable? Unattainable w/o drugs to keep me “level?” I don’t know. I don’t have the answers I want and need right now and that is frustrating to me.

It’s funny b/c I just finished reading this book called “When Joy came to stay” by Karen Kingsbury and it’s about a women who is severly depressed b/c she gave up a baby years ago before she was married and never told her husband about it. Now granted, I can’t relate to that situation, but I could relate to her feelings of hopelessness and the overwhelming feeling that the world was sitting on your chest….not your shoulders, your chest. Anyway, in the book she said she thought that “good christians” didn’t need a PILL to make them better. Then the person she was talking to said “some people think that these PILLS are God’s answer to prayer, to help you out of the fog.” I started thinking about that……and I’m still not sure where I stand. I’m kind of on the fence about that right now. It’s just funny how I read that book this week while I was coming to terms with a lot of my own stuff. Actually I finished it this week, I’ve been reading it for a few.

The deciding factor for me in ADMITTING that I don’t feel right was the not moving. I kept holding out hope that I would be fine after we moved. My mom kept saying “after you move it will only get worse b/c you won’t be around family to help you out.” True. But also not true. It is stressful to be around family too. Not that I don’t love them, but it just is….for a lot of reasons, good and bad. Plus, and I know this sounds selfish, but Jake and I grew to love our time in MO “alone.” Granted it was hard sometimes and we missed our family. I was just hoping that things would change and be easier once Jake was working his regular job again and actually had TIME to spend with us. When that hope of moving was taken away from me this week I was more upset about the thought that now I would stay in this “fog” longer. THEN I realized that this fog won’t lift just from a move, and even it did, that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon and I needed to take care of it. That is when I knew I had to call my doctor. I really felt like I saw no end in sight of this and it was overwhelming for me. My friend Sabrina from Link Group told me today that she was worried about me b/c the last time she saw me she was concerned that I just didn’t look right. She was right in her assumption. It was one of “those” nights and I just couldn’t put a fake smile on my face to save my life.

I am good at faking it most of the time, really. I’ve become really good at it actually. Tammy wrote a blog yesterday that caused me to think about this a little bit(I would link you to it but I don’t know how to do that yet…I know, LAME). I need to stop faking it…..the problem is that I kind of do get a boost out of “going through the happiness motions.” Kind of the “Fake it till ya make it” philosophy. It does work to a degree…. but as soon as you walk away from that situation where you’re faking it, you crash even harder….b/c you know.

Sooo, my goal this week is to give some sort of structure to my day and see if that helps me remain focused and not let my mind wander. I don’t know what to do when the edginess and jitters pop up (and NO I don’t have a daily caffeine intake…. the most I will maybe have is one cup of coffee 2-3 days a week….and believe it or not, the coffee calms me more than anything.) My friend Mary told me that when I get the overwhelming feelings of sadness I need to just stop and PRAY. That is my other goal.

*YAWN* This was a looooong post. Sorry.

Catch-Up

*YAWN* Will this kid EVER sleep more? I am feeling at my wits end. I told Jake this morning that I am not sure how much more of this NOT sleeping I can handle. I have resorted to drinking coffe with just half and half…. SO NOT ME. It’s helped keep my eyes open, but that’s about it.
It’s so nice outside today. I have been LOVING this summer. I absolutely hate HOT HOT HOT weather, so this year has been nice for me. I wish the boys would go outside today, but they don’t want to, and I am too tired to round them up to take them to the park. Dylan has been watching his Nick Jr. videos this morning. I am too tired to protest.
The other day we went to my friend Angela’s grandparents house for the afternoon. They have a big in-ground pool and Angela has a friend visiting from Germany named Nina. Nina takes GREAT pictures and she took a ton of the boys. They are sooooo good. I love them. Ange dropped them off yesterday morning when she was walking her dog and now I am trying to download them to an album. The boys had so much fun! Dylan mostly swam in the pool with Angela…Aidan was a bit apprehensive about it. I loved watching them though yesterday. They were having a blast! I was nervous though the whole time, even though I enjoyed hanging out and visiting. Angela and I MAYBE get together twice a year to visit so this was nice. I was nervous b/c of the pool (no fence around it) and b/c of the fish pond. Aidan was loving the pond and kept getting too close to it and he kept RUNNING towards the pool. Dylan ran by the pool once and I about lost my breath. They aren’t used to being around a pool like that so they didn’t understand why we kept jumping on them about it. At one point at the pond, Dylan teetered and I thought I would have a heart attack. While it is nice to visit and play around a pool, I am so glad we don’t have one b/c I would be on pins and needles all the time. Overall it was a great afternoon though. I am so glad we got to spend time up there with them and visit. Angela’s grandparents were home too and her mom and one of her brothers came up. They were like a second family to me growing up so it was so nice to catch up.
I just got off the phone with the nurse at the Ped’s office and they want me to give Owen a suppository! OMG! =O This should be fun. He hasn’t pooped in 2 weeks now. I just realized that this morning. I knew he hadn’t pooped in a while but I didn’t realize until today that it’s been two weeks already. Poor little fella.
I was supposed to go shopping with Mom yesterday for baby shower stuff but I decided to stay home instead and do NOTHING and not feel guilty about it. Trying not to feel guilty about it. I mean NOTHING too. I did not cleaning or anything. I just wanted to veg. Last night we went to the PHIL WICKHAM concert at church. It was a cool concert and I really liked the guy that sang before him. Jake liked him too. The girl that sang before him had such a pretty voice too. She was cute. Kacie said she was younger than us too….that surprised me. After the concert I signed up for this thing called “MOCHA CLUB”….. basically another one of those deals where you send money to this organization to help orphans in other countries. What got me was the story this guy told about…..that the number one cause of death for orphans in this one country (don’t remember which one) isn’t disease or starvation, it’s being eaten alive by hyennas b/c they have to sleep outside b/c the orphanage isn’t big enough. UGH. I was instantly sick and started crying thinking about my babies. I told Jake “we are signing up, end of discussion.” LOL You got to name your own “team” too (not sure why yet, I guess I’ll figure it out later) and I named it DAO. I thought that was appropriate. Dylan, Aidan, Owen. Anyway…..
I was excited to get out without ANY of the kids for a while. I needed a break. It’s funny b/c I feel like I need a break, but I LOVE doing nothing with them and just watching them be funny. I just love to LOOK at them. Even when we’re all grumpy.
Dylan was sitting with me on the couch while I fed Owen and he was watching Ruby and Max, a cartoon about bunnies and they were dressing Max up like a baby and Dylan said “we don’t have any babies HERE!” and I said “oh really, what is Owen?” and he said “Owen is a FAT baby!” AH HA HA HA!! heehee I couldn’t stop laughing.
Tonight we are going to the races with Mom. We’re taking Dylan and Aidan and leaving Owen with my grandma. I think the boys will like it. Mom is bringing McKenna too. Mom picked up ear muffler looking things for the kids to wear so the noise doesn’t hurt them. It was too loud for me at some points, not all, but enough so that I don’t want the boys to not be protected.
Tomorrow we are HOPEFULLY going to stop by Jake’s grandparents anniversary dinner and visit for a few and then head to our Link Group BBQ. They happen to be within a half hour of eachother and we’ve been planning the BBQ for over a week and we didn’t find out about the anniversary dinner until YESTERDAY! Sooo… let’s hope the boys’ nap times don’t run over or we will have to skip that altogether. I hate last minute notices. Throws the whole day off.
Other than that we NEED to find some time to squeek in some yard cleanup. I have got to get down to business this week for the baby shower. I still have a ton to do. TAMMY:IF YOU’RE READING THIS….ARE YOU AND KASS COMING?? Anyway, that is all we have planned for our “exciting” weekend. Not much. Now I need to go put away about 5 loads of folded laundry. blech.