BUSTED

Brent busted me!

Okay so I said I wouldn’t be getting on here for a few days, and while I did really good the first day, the second day not so much. I did refrain from posting and commenting though. Now that is quite the accomplishment on my part. haha!

Even though I didn’t completely stay away, I did minimize my time drastically. And what a difference it made! It was a good lesson for me in priorities, boundaries, and everything in MODERATION. Too much of anything IS a bad thing.

In my profile when I say I tend to get sucked into the computer once I turn it on….yeah, I wasn’t kidding. Even though I am reading some amazing stuff and having some great conversations, or enjoying a friendly debate here and there, too much is too much. And when your kid tells you he feels gooerish about you being on the computer….well, that’ll snap you to attention if nothing else.

I did accomplish a lot these last few days, and the best part, I was able to hear God without all the “noise” in my head. God knows my heart, and he knows what I am struggling with, but when I am so immersed in what I am doing elsewhere, I can’t hear him. What I miss when I am not paying attention! All this time (last couple of months) I’ve felt like a failure at being a good mom, wife, homemaker. Brent reminded me that I am a perfectionist. Yes, yes I am. *Hi I’m Brandy and I am a perfectionist* meaning that I have this IDEA in my mind of how I want things to be, and I can NEVER reach it. EVER. And I know it. So instead of just trying to be good at stuff, I don’t even try b/c I know I won’t reach my level of perfection…..the unrealistic one I have in my head. Just being good is not good enough. It has to be perfect. And if it’s not, why bother? See my problem? I have a feeling this is going to be a life long battle for me. Like an alcoholic is always an alcoholic. A perfectionist is always a perfectionist. Every day is a battle to “stay on the wagon” so to say, for lack of a better example at the moment.

I have always been a fan of the sayings “go big or go home” and “if you’re going to do a half a$$ job, don’t do it at all” and “there is right way and a wrong way and your way is not right” (haha). That last one is a testament to the fact that I can’t accept help either. I am bad at that. And only I can fix that.

The other thing I have enjoyed these last two days: my kids. Oh the fun we’ve had! And that’s always worth it.

So here is my attempt at adding a little imperfect “grey” into my life. Finding a middle ground. Setting some boundaries. Being imperfect.

Defeated…..at least it feels like it.

I’ve been a bit down in the dumps the last few days. A bit mopey, a little sappy, kinda grumpy, VERY TIRED. A few of my nearest and dearest think it’s because I’ve got a lot on my plate right now with the move and all, and that even though I’ve not really DONE anything the last several days, my mind has been racing and that can be tiring. Maybe. Maybe they are right.

I couldn’t put my finger on why I had this “defeated” feeling. I am happy that we are moving, finally. I am happy with where we are going. I think this is going to be a good move for our little family. But I am feeling a little anxiety about it. About the transition. About not being around family. About settling down. I have been sitting around STARING at my house, watching the boys destroy it piece by piece. They are lucky I’ve mustered up the energy to feed and clothe them, nevermind cleaning the place up. I think they know I am weak and they have power over me right now. haha. I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling this way. I should be happy. I should be bouncing off the walls. I should be grateful and thankful for everything that’s happening in our life right now. But I just can’t shake this feeling. Or the wondering why I feel like it. Until tonight. When I went to bed.

A few weeks ago I had decided to try to go along with the “FLYlady” method of housekeeping. I am so unorganized and get distracted so easily (evil evil computer) and I would rather spend the day playing with the boys or staring at Owen while he tries to master crawling. I had printed out the schedules and routines. I had been researching it online. I had even shined my kitchen sink. That is the first thing you are supposed to do. I read through my print outs at night before bed trying to commit it to memory and practice it the next day. I felt like I was making progress. Until this last thursday, when I knew our lives were changing….pronto. And that is when the “funk” settled in, and I couldn’t figure out why. I still can’t explain why I am so gosh awful tired these last few days, but tonight as I laid down to bed, I figured out why I have been in a mopey mood. I saw those papers laying on my night stand and instantly my heart sank. I knew that what I was feeling defeated. I had stopped doing what I set out to do to accomplish my goals. It wasn’t setting right with me and it was affecting my days. I just didn’t put the two together. Now that I know, I need to fix it. I hate responsibility.

Another bummer, to say the least….. my mom told me tonight that my grandma might have lung cancer. WONDERfreakingFULL. Last week they thought maybe her cancer had spread to her bones. They ran tests, nope, no bone cancer. Her lymphoma checked out to be okay, nothing bad there. BUt oh wait, there’s a hot spot on her lung that “lit up like a christmas tree” that they want to biopsy. All signs point to NOT GOOD. So as I am laying in bed tonight realizing I have felt defeated these last few days, I started also thinking about my grandma. Maybe b/c I had just filled Jake in on it, but still, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Then I started crying. I was laying there crying thinking about how fast people go with lung cancer. Thinking about everyone I knew who had lung cancer and how quickly they died after getting lung cancer. I started getting sick at my stomach thinking about how we aren’t going to be here and if she has lung cancer how much time does she have left and will I be able to come home “when and if.” My mind was like a runaway train. I coudn’t stop it. I hate when that happens.

THEN, yes it gets better, THEN I start thinking about how I have been treating my family and my home. Like nothing. I have sat around and sulked b/c I can’t DO what I want to DO…which is develope a lifestyle routine around here I can live with and still have time to spend with the kids w/o worrying about what mess they are making. I tend to be a black and white person, and that along with my perfectionism (yes, messy people can be perfectionists…. it’s a long story….really it is….there’s a whole book about it) doesn’t bode well for me. I don’t like distractions, I can’t focus well with distractions. ANYTHING can be a distraction for me too. The tv, the phone, the radio, THE COMPUTER, the kids, Jake, anything. I need complete silence and NO ONE around me for me to focus on what I want done. Does this mean I have ADHD?? haha. Seriously? Does it? Anyway, that doesn’t bode well for me b/c I am a SAHM who should be able to cope with these things. I really should. It’s kind of my job, and I think I would be fired by now in the real world. What was the point of me telling this part??? Oh yes……. now that I have finally settled on a method to control my madness, it all gets tossed. Yes it is what we were hoping/praying/waiting for, but the timing, THE TIMING….God you are a funny funny man I tell ya. It all gets tossed, thrown out the window, and instead of being able to focus on the routine I had layed out before me, I now have to do the opposite….ransack my house to get rid of stuff, focus on the details of moving, prepare prepare prepare….and I don’t feel like I can right now. It is overwhelming. And that makes me feel guilty.

I know I should be so grateful and on my hands and knees thanking God for taking care of this moving situation, but I find myself feeling slightly annoyed at the timing. The timing just SUCKS. I think I feel that way mostly b/c I am TERRIFIED of driving 1500 miles in the winter, and I am TERRIFIED about my grandma….oh yeah….and my mom. She’s kind of got her own CRAP going on as well that I am worried about. Divorces never turn out well and to be honest, I am worried about her and scared for her. ANd I want to be here for her, but I won’t be. That breaks my heart. I don’t want to just be a voice on the phone for her, I want to be a shoulder, a hug, a smile for her. Between my grandma and the divorce, I know she is hurting right now. And scared.
Anyway, back to the timing….. I know it is not my timing….it is God’s timing. I KNOW THAT. I KNOW THAT. I KNOW THAT. I know that with everything in me but I also fight against it. What IS IT about us that makes us fight God even when we know He is right?? HUH? I wish someone would tell me…..b/c I hate it.
I need to trust God. I need to trust His timing. I need to trust that He will take care of my grandma. I need to trust that He will be the shoulder, the voice, the smile for my mom. I need to trust that He will get us to Minot and take care of us and provide for us while we are there. I do trust Him, I just don’t trust me. Does that even make sense?? I don’t know….all I know is, I think I have “broken.” Kind of like when a fever “breaks” it’s all better from there on out. The fever has broken, you start to feel better. You peak with sickness and a high fever and then BAM, it breaks and you are on the road to a better you. I hope that is what happened tonight as I was laying in bed crying with all of these thoughts and worries and feelings running through my head. Those aren’t ALL of what has been bothering me, but they are the biggies. I think the next thing would be worrying about the boys and the move…..but that’ll come later.

If you are reading this, please pray for me. Please pray for my grandma and my mom.

For some reason I am reminded of a poem this friend I had in high school wrote.
“I need a peace Lord help me now,
I need to let go, I don’t know how.
Carry my pain, see me through,
Let it bring me closer to you.”

AMEN. Now back to bed.

Processing (I’m real original with titles huh?)

So I’ve been thinking about a lot of stuff lately (what’s new huh?) and I think I have to reprioritize my life. God had been whispering in my ear for a while about scaling back. I ignored it. Then He started tapping me on the shoulder. I shrugged that off as well. I found it annoying actually. Have you ever had someone tap or poke you over and over and over again? It becomes annoying and painful. And that is what it has become. Painful. “God! You are becoming a pain in my shoulder!” I would find myself thinking. I chose to live with the pain and not do anything about it.

Now He is messing with my gut and my heart and my emotions. He is relentless I tell you! Relentless! I’ve had a pit in my stomach for over a week now. I’ve had this nagging feeling in my heart and I want to cry whenever I think about all that He is wanting me to think about right now…… B/c sometimes I do think about it. Sometimes I cave in and say “Okay God, you’ve got me. I’ll start processing through this stuff asap” and then when I start, I get all weepy and sick feeling. So, I retreat. Where do I retreat?? Here. My computer. The internet. Other blogs. I am an avid blog reader. I may not always leave comments, but I read blogs (almost) all day every day. My grandma and my mother-in-law think this is the strangest thing a person could waste, er spend, their time doing. I compare it to people watching. I could sit and watch people for HOURS. I love it. Put me in the food court at the mall with something yummy to sip on (eating would be better actually!), and I’m golden. I would also prefer to wear sunglasses so no one would know I am STARING, but that would just look odd in the mall.

So anyway, where was I? Oh yes, retreating.

This worked for some time, until God started leading me to blogs that addressed this very issue!! What is WITH Him??? Seriously?! Can’t a girl just run away w/o someone looking for her?? So, my new escape plan was turning out to be a problem. Topics that God had been trying to get me to think about for some time kept popping up in these blogs, it was very tricky now that I look back on it. What better way to get my attention. There was no way I WASN’T going to read, so LITERALLY all of a sudden I could see God everywhere. More specifically I could see what He had been trying to get me to see for all these weeks, you see? Have I lost anyone yet? It made me think. HARD. It made me cry. It, again, made me sick at my stomach.

I don’t like change. I don’t like admitting I’ve been wrong. I don’t like admitting I am currently doing something wrong. I don’t like relenting. I like being right. I like thinking that I am making the best choices possible. I like to be the one to point out errors, not be the one pointed at. This is all very embarrassing for me to admit, but in an attempt to be real and honest….there it all is. I say THAT b/c all of these blogs I have been reading have been very real and honest and in that they caused me to think. So for that I am grateful, and can now only ask the same of myself.

Some things I have sensed God calling me to do:

Pray. To pray for anyone and everyone I know, no matter what it is. You see, I tend to make a judgement for myself as to whether something really NEEDS prayer. Stupid and selfish. EVERYTHING needs prayer! HELLO!!!! Selfish b/c I think my motivation behind that is thinking “like I don’t have enough to do already, I have to add one more thing to my list!” What’s funny to me is that I have known this for weeks, possibly even months, that God was calling me to a serious life of prayer. Of course, I ignored it, and just here recently, He has CLEARLY brought about people for me to pray for. Before, I could just sense it on my heart to do it. I would do it with an “alright FINE” attitude. But recently, He has been ever so CLEAR. People have actually come to me and specifically ASKED. In order to come to me and ask me for prayer is not so easy. You have to specifically find me. I’m not some person you’ll see around town, or walking down the street or even talk to on the phone all that often (unless you live in Wisconsin or Las Vegas! ha!). So the fact that I had people specifically asking was God saying to me, “I will get you. I will find you. I won’t give up on you.” So last night when my dear friend (who shall remain nameless at her request) asked me to pray for something in particular and said she only thought to ask me, I knew it was God speaking. I knew it. So, I relent. In fact, I was moved to NEAR tears….you know, when you get all choked up and think that if you don’t hold your breath you may start bawling. That.

Live a better life. Now I know that encompasses A LOT. For me though, it’s been very specific. Certain areas that are specific only to me and my life, I have felt God saying “this is not right. This needs to change. This needs to be better. YOU can be better.” It would do me no good to clarify here, b/c quite honestly it would be too difficult. Mostly, it’s just the way I live my life and the things I think…..that only God knows I think. It’s funny….. having only God know what you really think. B/c you tend to keep things to yourself that you don’t want to be called on. Things you don’t want to be held accountable for. The funny part is that the only person it matters to is God and He is the only person who could possibly know even the things you are hiding. Now I understand if that last sentence was jumbled for some, it was for me too when I reread it. But I still know what I meant. Basically, my point is, you get “found out” anyway. God will take of you. And I don’t mean “take of you” like make sure you have food and clothing and are healthy and all that jazz. I mean He will take care of your SINFUL nature. Like when the boys get in trouble I say “I’ll take of you” and I march them back to their room for a stern disciplinary action (and no I’m not talking a spanking, although I am a firm believer in that). God has been “taking care of me” on a very personal level lately. *OUCH* It hurts me ego more than anything, which in the end is a good thing.

Be a better example. This sort of goes with the previous topic. Once I start living a better life, my example will just naturally follow. So this one is sort of a double whammy.

DO LESS. I think I blogged about this before. I have not been so good at meeting that goal. #$&$&^% RESOLUTIONS!!!! God keeps pressing on my heart to turn OFF the tv, to CLOSE my laptop, to UNPLUG my phone. Seriously. Unplug it. I have been ignoring Him obviously. And it is causing more pain than pleasure. Funny thing about ignoring God, it hurts. I can’t tell you how many times I have seen in blogs that someone has taken a “blogging break” or fasted from something that was taking up too much time and energy and thought. It really got me thinking. Thinking, not doing. Yet. I think this one is the hardest of all of them actually.

Something else that has really come up a lot…..The Proverbs 31 woman. Ya know, I kind of have a love/hate feeling about her. While I really want to BE her, I don’t feel like that is attainable for me. That is where the hate part comes in. *I use hate lightly* My honest to goodness true hearts desire is to strive to be that Woman, and I think *KNOW* that God knows that. I think that is where all these other things come into play. I can’t attain Proverbs 31 with all these distractions and “less than” habits. Now that is JUST ME. That’s not the case for everyone. Just me. And God knows me. I think that is where all His tweaking is coming from. “Be patient, God’s not finished with me yet” I think this saying is fitting.

That’s about all I want to delve into right now. “WHAT?! THERE’S MORE?!?” Yes, I am sorry so to say, there is more. I’ll save it though. This is enough for now. Going to go chew my cud now.

Sooooo Angryyyyy

12:08 AM – Soooooooo Angryyyyyyyyyy Current mood: disappointed
Jake just called. He had a conference call this morning. We thought it would be good news. It’s not.
We aren’t moving anytime soon. Since February they have been telling us we are moving. At first it was July, then it was Septemeber, then it was December, then it was back to October, then it was “any day now,” and now today they tell us if we’re LUCKY we’ll get orders MAYBE in November and then not move until sometime between February and April….if we’re lucky. I’m thinking we’re not.
I am so angry right now. I want to scream and puke and cry and pull my hair out all at the same time. My gut reaction was “WHY GOD would you do this? We have prayed and prayed about moving and asking you to move where it would be best for us and then you go and keep us here. WHY?!” and then I realized that maybe He is keeping us here for a reason, a reason I can’t possibly understand or imagine right now. I know I shouldn’t be angry, but I am. I know I should trust God that this is right for us right now, and while I do, I just don’t understand it. God knows how hard this has been for us, how hard it’s been on our marriage, and yet here we stay. Please God let me see the bigger picture here and be okay with this.
“I know it is right in the sight of my God but my heart is dying to differ”
I wrote that in a poem FOREVER ago, in highschool sometime. I never thougt it would apply now.
This has to be okay. I have to get a grip and realize we are not leaving anytime soon and just move on. I feel like I need a mourning period or something.