Go Giants! And GO ME!

NY Giants 17, New England 14

YEAH! The boys had their faces painted in red and blue with “GO GIANTS!!” and “NYG” and footballs. They were so cute! Their team spirit payed off I guess! Yeah GIANTS!

I sat at home with Owen and watched while I spaced bagged all of the kids’ clothes and got a HUGE pile for donations. Know anyone who needs boys clothes?? The house looks like a disaster with clothing piles everywhere (b/c I not done yet) but my brain hurts from all the sorting. I’m not naturally organized so thinking about it literally hurts my head. BUT, I’ve done a pretty good job so far! Go ME! heehee

It’s Raining It’s Pouring The Children Are Snoring….

All the kids are napping and Jake and I are sitting here on the couch listening to the water through the gutters and watching the extremely heavy snow fall. These flakes, er chunks, of snow are HUGE. It isn’t sticking though, which is fine with me. We’ll have our fair share of stuck on snow in about another month. That’s right, another month. We have a little over 30 days before we begin our trek to North Dakota. So far I have only cleaned out the toys. In fact, here is an excerpt from an email I sent to my VERY organized friend. She said she was CLAPPING as she read it she was so excited for me. She knows I have not a single organizing bone in my body.

“Today I did AWESOME (if I do say so myself) with the toys. I set up bins for organizing/sorting and then I set up two mesh laundry baskets and I told Dylan that one was for toys to keep and one was for toys to give to other little boys who didn’t have as many toys. I said we would take them to the Goodwill store. Later tonight he said “Who is Mr. Goodwill and why does he want to take my toys?” hahahaha! I thought I would die. ANyway, he FILLED the mesh basket for donations! YEAH!!That was close to half of their toys! I was so proud of him! He picked everything to go in there too and every time he said “I think I will give this to other little boys” We organized the toys we were keeping and got everything put away and the entire room vacuumed up, even moved furniture! We rearranged their room (not that it really matters b/c we don’t have much longer here but he enjoyed it) and got everything set up all neat. I even have an entire garbage bag full of stuff to trash. It was broken toys, paper cups (they get their own water from the fridge when they want and I don’t always know), broken crayons, paper airplanes that had seen better days. All that kind of stuff. A WHOLE BAG! OMGosh!! I hope we can keep it that way. Now we need to go through their clothes. I think I will let them do the same thing with those too….. pick which ones they want to keep and which ones the wany to donate. That seemed to work well and Dylan really enjoyed doing it. I say “Dylan” b/c Aidan really didn’t get what we were doing. I had to direct him a lot.”

So that was my big cleaning/organizing/purging event of the week. Lame I know, but for an unorganized girl like me, it’s a big deal.
My sister in law is coming to help me purge/organize in the middle of February…just in time for the movers. I am SO EXCITED. She was totally born with the organizing gene (I am convinced there is such a thing) and she has graciously agreed to drive from Portland down here to help me. Have I mentioned that I love her? haha!
My mom has offered to help me, but she works and has little spare time. Plus, the combo of the two of us would result in very little purging I think.
My sister has also offered to help, but I need someone to boss me around and with me and my sister I think we’d both just end up staring at a large pile.
So, my sister in law it is. Teresa, THANK YOU! If I haven’t said it enough, THANK YOU!

Tonight Jake and I are MAYBE going on a date. Maybe. It all depends on what we can do on ZILCH. haha! I’m thinking just to hang out period would be nice but we’ll see. My mom is taking the older kiddos to the new Veggie Tales movie so we’ll be home with just Owen for a while, then she’s taking all of them so he and I can have some time together. Need to take advantage of that as much as we can before we move, b/c who knows when that will happen again. I’m a little nervous about that aspect of things when we move to Minot. Really, can we make it with no babysitter so we can go out ALONE once in a while? Or are we going to have to improvise and do the date thing AT HOME after the kids go to bed? I’m sure we’ll figure out something….it’s just uncharted waters right now.

OH! News….. I can’t believe I forgot this before. Jake talked to the housing department at Minot and they said we qualify to be on the four bedroom housing list and it’s a 0-30 day wait! YEAH! I’m very happy about that. My hope is that once we get to the base we will have a house to move into asap. Not sure if that is realistic of me at this point, but that guy sure gave me reason to hope!

What I said about the snow not sticking, I take that back. It’s sticking. A lot.

Defeated…..at least it feels like it.

I’ve been a bit down in the dumps the last few days. A bit mopey, a little sappy, kinda grumpy, VERY TIRED. A few of my nearest and dearest think it’s because I’ve got a lot on my plate right now with the move and all, and that even though I’ve not really DONE anything the last several days, my mind has been racing and that can be tiring. Maybe. Maybe they are right.

I couldn’t put my finger on why I had this “defeated” feeling. I am happy that we are moving, finally. I am happy with where we are going. I think this is going to be a good move for our little family. But I am feeling a little anxiety about it. About the transition. About not being around family. About settling down. I have been sitting around STARING at my house, watching the boys destroy it piece by piece. They are lucky I’ve mustered up the energy to feed and clothe them, nevermind cleaning the place up. I think they know I am weak and they have power over me right now. haha. I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling this way. I should be happy. I should be bouncing off the walls. I should be grateful and thankful for everything that’s happening in our life right now. But I just can’t shake this feeling. Or the wondering why I feel like it. Until tonight. When I went to bed.

A few weeks ago I had decided to try to go along with the “FLYlady” method of housekeeping. I am so unorganized and get distracted so easily (evil evil computer) and I would rather spend the day playing with the boys or staring at Owen while he tries to master crawling. I had printed out the schedules and routines. I had been researching it online. I had even shined my kitchen sink. That is the first thing you are supposed to do. I read through my print outs at night before bed trying to commit it to memory and practice it the next day. I felt like I was making progress. Until this last thursday, when I knew our lives were changing….pronto. And that is when the “funk” settled in, and I couldn’t figure out why. I still can’t explain why I am so gosh awful tired these last few days, but tonight as I laid down to bed, I figured out why I have been in a mopey mood. I saw those papers laying on my night stand and instantly my heart sank. I knew that what I was feeling defeated. I had stopped doing what I set out to do to accomplish my goals. It wasn’t setting right with me and it was affecting my days. I just didn’t put the two together. Now that I know, I need to fix it. I hate responsibility.

Another bummer, to say the least….. my mom told me tonight that my grandma might have lung cancer. WONDERfreakingFULL. Last week they thought maybe her cancer had spread to her bones. They ran tests, nope, no bone cancer. Her lymphoma checked out to be okay, nothing bad there. BUt oh wait, there’s a hot spot on her lung that “lit up like a christmas tree” that they want to biopsy. All signs point to NOT GOOD. So as I am laying in bed tonight realizing I have felt defeated these last few days, I started also thinking about my grandma. Maybe b/c I had just filled Jake in on it, but still, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Then I started crying. I was laying there crying thinking about how fast people go with lung cancer. Thinking about everyone I knew who had lung cancer and how quickly they died after getting lung cancer. I started getting sick at my stomach thinking about how we aren’t going to be here and if she has lung cancer how much time does she have left and will I be able to come home “when and if.” My mind was like a runaway train. I coudn’t stop it. I hate when that happens.

THEN, yes it gets better, THEN I start thinking about how I have been treating my family and my home. Like nothing. I have sat around and sulked b/c I can’t DO what I want to DO…which is develope a lifestyle routine around here I can live with and still have time to spend with the kids w/o worrying about what mess they are making. I tend to be a black and white person, and that along with my perfectionism (yes, messy people can be perfectionists…. it’s a long story….really it is….there’s a whole book about it) doesn’t bode well for me. I don’t like distractions, I can’t focus well with distractions. ANYTHING can be a distraction for me too. The tv, the phone, the radio, THE COMPUTER, the kids, Jake, anything. I need complete silence and NO ONE around me for me to focus on what I want done. Does this mean I have ADHD?? haha. Seriously? Does it? Anyway, that doesn’t bode well for me b/c I am a SAHM who should be able to cope with these things. I really should. It’s kind of my job, and I think I would be fired by now in the real world. What was the point of me telling this part??? Oh yes……. now that I have finally settled on a method to control my madness, it all gets tossed. Yes it is what we were hoping/praying/waiting for, but the timing, THE TIMING….God you are a funny funny man I tell ya. It all gets tossed, thrown out the window, and instead of being able to focus on the routine I had layed out before me, I now have to do the opposite….ransack my house to get rid of stuff, focus on the details of moving, prepare prepare prepare….and I don’t feel like I can right now. It is overwhelming. And that makes me feel guilty.

I know I should be so grateful and on my hands and knees thanking God for taking care of this moving situation, but I find myself feeling slightly annoyed at the timing. The timing just SUCKS. I think I feel that way mostly b/c I am TERRIFIED of driving 1500 miles in the winter, and I am TERRIFIED about my grandma….oh yeah….and my mom. She’s kind of got her own CRAP going on as well that I am worried about. Divorces never turn out well and to be honest, I am worried about her and scared for her. ANd I want to be here for her, but I won’t be. That breaks my heart. I don’t want to just be a voice on the phone for her, I want to be a shoulder, a hug, a smile for her. Between my grandma and the divorce, I know she is hurting right now. And scared.
Anyway, back to the timing….. I know it is not my timing….it is God’s timing. I KNOW THAT. I KNOW THAT. I KNOW THAT. I know that with everything in me but I also fight against it. What IS IT about us that makes us fight God even when we know He is right?? HUH? I wish someone would tell me…..b/c I hate it.
I need to trust God. I need to trust His timing. I need to trust that He will take care of my grandma. I need to trust that He will be the shoulder, the voice, the smile for my mom. I need to trust that He will get us to Minot and take care of us and provide for us while we are there. I do trust Him, I just don’t trust me. Does that even make sense?? I don’t know….all I know is, I think I have “broken.” Kind of like when a fever “breaks” it’s all better from there on out. The fever has broken, you start to feel better. You peak with sickness and a high fever and then BAM, it breaks and you are on the road to a better you. I hope that is what happened tonight as I was laying in bed crying with all of these thoughts and worries and feelings running through my head. Those aren’t ALL of what has been bothering me, but they are the biggies. I think the next thing would be worrying about the boys and the move…..but that’ll come later.

If you are reading this, please pray for me. Please pray for my grandma and my mom.

For some reason I am reminded of a poem this friend I had in high school wrote.
“I need a peace Lord help me now,
I need to let go, I don’t know how.
Carry my pain, see me through,
Let it bring me closer to you.”

AMEN. Now back to bed.