God Laughs

My sister in law has this saying, “make plans and hear God laugh” and she is soooo right.

Kim emailed everyone from our link group asking for volunteers to host this weekend. I volunteered.

My sister in law is coming this tuesday to help me with stuff for moving. She is an organizational freak and I am lucky she is so willing to help me, considering she lives in Portland.

This morning, the boys woke up with green goo. GREEN GOO. Their noses look like they had green play doh shoved up there. Totally gross. Oh, and Owen is coughing a bit. Oh, AND he threw up last night. Projectile vomit across the couch. For about an hour or so afterwards I was in a complete panic waiting for “the other shoe to drop.” It never did, thank God. Owen remained bubbly and happy and NOT passed out.

God is laughing at my plans I think. I had to cancel on link group and I emailed my sister in law telling her about the boys. If they are sick she can’t come b/c she has a 3yo and my brother in law is self employed so he REALLY can’t get sick.

I am really really hoping and praying they are not sick come Monday night/Tuesday morning.

I’m frustrated today.

I had a dream about moving last night. We moved into the most narrow house ever. It was a nice house, but it was narrow. Weird. Oh, and we made the drive in two days. That was sweet.

God, please don’t laugh at our plans to move.

Oh and something really great: Owen is crawling. The kid is on the move!! It’s amazing how fast they pick this stuff up. He is better today than he was yesterday. Every day he gets better and better. I love it.

I love my kids. I love watching them be creative. For Valentines I got them play doh sets. A play doh duffel bag of play doh stuff with cutters, and a pasta maker, and a roller. They each got one. And they each got a play doh tub. One tub is for picnic stuff and the other is for animals. They have played with those for HOURS. They love it. Especially Dylan. I thought I would not like them having play doh but they seem to be doing pretty well with it.

Today we are going to go through more stuff to take to the dump. I wish I could snap my fingers and have this done. I am seriosly contemplating moving into our trailer NOW and just coming to the house to do stuff for the move. That way what I get done stays done. I don’t know. That seems extreme. But it also would simplify things for me. If my sister in law (she does have a name btw, it’s Teresa haha) comes I think we’ll do that after she leaves actually. That is what we were going to do after the movers take all of our stuff anyway.

Okay, off to do something productive. I promised Sean I’d blog about the sweet potato allergy thing, so I will for sure be back this weekend with that. Check Sean out. He has a baby on the way.

BUSTED

Brent busted me!

Okay so I said I wouldn’t be getting on here for a few days, and while I did really good the first day, the second day not so much. I did refrain from posting and commenting though. Now that is quite the accomplishment on my part. haha!

Even though I didn’t completely stay away, I did minimize my time drastically. And what a difference it made! It was a good lesson for me in priorities, boundaries, and everything in MODERATION. Too much of anything IS a bad thing.

In my profile when I say I tend to get sucked into the computer once I turn it on….yeah, I wasn’t kidding. Even though I am reading some amazing stuff and having some great conversations, or enjoying a friendly debate here and there, too much is too much. And when your kid tells you he feels gooerish about you being on the computer….well, that’ll snap you to attention if nothing else.

I did accomplish a lot these last few days, and the best part, I was able to hear God without all the “noise” in my head. God knows my heart, and he knows what I am struggling with, but when I am so immersed in what I am doing elsewhere, I can’t hear him. What I miss when I am not paying attention! All this time (last couple of months) I’ve felt like a failure at being a good mom, wife, homemaker. Brent reminded me that I am a perfectionist. Yes, yes I am. *Hi I’m Brandy and I am a perfectionist* meaning that I have this IDEA in my mind of how I want things to be, and I can NEVER reach it. EVER. And I know it. So instead of just trying to be good at stuff, I don’t even try b/c I know I won’t reach my level of perfection…..the unrealistic one I have in my head. Just being good is not good enough. It has to be perfect. And if it’s not, why bother? See my problem? I have a feeling this is going to be a life long battle for me. Like an alcoholic is always an alcoholic. A perfectionist is always a perfectionist. Every day is a battle to “stay on the wagon” so to say, for lack of a better example at the moment.

I have always been a fan of the sayings “go big or go home” and “if you’re going to do a half a$$ job, don’t do it at all” and “there is right way and a wrong way and your way is not right” (haha). That last one is a testament to the fact that I can’t accept help either. I am bad at that. And only I can fix that.

The other thing I have enjoyed these last two days: my kids. Oh the fun we’ve had! And that’s always worth it.

So here is my attempt at adding a little imperfect “grey” into my life. Finding a middle ground. Setting some boundaries. Being imperfect.

Defeated…..at least it feels like it.

I’ve been a bit down in the dumps the last few days. A bit mopey, a little sappy, kinda grumpy, VERY TIRED. A few of my nearest and dearest think it’s because I’ve got a lot on my plate right now with the move and all, and that even though I’ve not really DONE anything the last several days, my mind has been racing and that can be tiring. Maybe. Maybe they are right.

I couldn’t put my finger on why I had this “defeated” feeling. I am happy that we are moving, finally. I am happy with where we are going. I think this is going to be a good move for our little family. But I am feeling a little anxiety about it. About the transition. About not being around family. About settling down. I have been sitting around STARING at my house, watching the boys destroy it piece by piece. They are lucky I’ve mustered up the energy to feed and clothe them, nevermind cleaning the place up. I think they know I am weak and they have power over me right now. haha. I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling this way. I should be happy. I should be bouncing off the walls. I should be grateful and thankful for everything that’s happening in our life right now. But I just can’t shake this feeling. Or the wondering why I feel like it. Until tonight. When I went to bed.

A few weeks ago I had decided to try to go along with the “FLYlady” method of housekeeping. I am so unorganized and get distracted so easily (evil evil computer) and I would rather spend the day playing with the boys or staring at Owen while he tries to master crawling. I had printed out the schedules and routines. I had been researching it online. I had even shined my kitchen sink. That is the first thing you are supposed to do. I read through my print outs at night before bed trying to commit it to memory and practice it the next day. I felt like I was making progress. Until this last thursday, when I knew our lives were changing….pronto. And that is when the “funk” settled in, and I couldn’t figure out why. I still can’t explain why I am so gosh awful tired these last few days, but tonight as I laid down to bed, I figured out why I have been in a mopey mood. I saw those papers laying on my night stand and instantly my heart sank. I knew that what I was feeling defeated. I had stopped doing what I set out to do to accomplish my goals. It wasn’t setting right with me and it was affecting my days. I just didn’t put the two together. Now that I know, I need to fix it. I hate responsibility.

Another bummer, to say the least….. my mom told me tonight that my grandma might have lung cancer. WONDERfreakingFULL. Last week they thought maybe her cancer had spread to her bones. They ran tests, nope, no bone cancer. Her lymphoma checked out to be okay, nothing bad there. BUt oh wait, there’s a hot spot on her lung that “lit up like a christmas tree” that they want to biopsy. All signs point to NOT GOOD. So as I am laying in bed tonight realizing I have felt defeated these last few days, I started also thinking about my grandma. Maybe b/c I had just filled Jake in on it, but still, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Then I started crying. I was laying there crying thinking about how fast people go with lung cancer. Thinking about everyone I knew who had lung cancer and how quickly they died after getting lung cancer. I started getting sick at my stomach thinking about how we aren’t going to be here and if she has lung cancer how much time does she have left and will I be able to come home “when and if.” My mind was like a runaway train. I coudn’t stop it. I hate when that happens.

THEN, yes it gets better, THEN I start thinking about how I have been treating my family and my home. Like nothing. I have sat around and sulked b/c I can’t DO what I want to DO…which is develope a lifestyle routine around here I can live with and still have time to spend with the kids w/o worrying about what mess they are making. I tend to be a black and white person, and that along with my perfectionism (yes, messy people can be perfectionists…. it’s a long story….really it is….there’s a whole book about it) doesn’t bode well for me. I don’t like distractions, I can’t focus well with distractions. ANYTHING can be a distraction for me too. The tv, the phone, the radio, THE COMPUTER, the kids, Jake, anything. I need complete silence and NO ONE around me for me to focus on what I want done. Does this mean I have ADHD?? haha. Seriously? Does it? Anyway, that doesn’t bode well for me b/c I am a SAHM who should be able to cope with these things. I really should. It’s kind of my job, and I think I would be fired by now in the real world. What was the point of me telling this part??? Oh yes……. now that I have finally settled on a method to control my madness, it all gets tossed. Yes it is what we were hoping/praying/waiting for, but the timing, THE TIMING….God you are a funny funny man I tell ya. It all gets tossed, thrown out the window, and instead of being able to focus on the routine I had layed out before me, I now have to do the opposite….ransack my house to get rid of stuff, focus on the details of moving, prepare prepare prepare….and I don’t feel like I can right now. It is overwhelming. And that makes me feel guilty.

I know I should be so grateful and on my hands and knees thanking God for taking care of this moving situation, but I find myself feeling slightly annoyed at the timing. The timing just SUCKS. I think I feel that way mostly b/c I am TERRIFIED of driving 1500 miles in the winter, and I am TERRIFIED about my grandma….oh yeah….and my mom. She’s kind of got her own CRAP going on as well that I am worried about. Divorces never turn out well and to be honest, I am worried about her and scared for her. ANd I want to be here for her, but I won’t be. That breaks my heart. I don’t want to just be a voice on the phone for her, I want to be a shoulder, a hug, a smile for her. Between my grandma and the divorce, I know she is hurting right now. And scared.
Anyway, back to the timing….. I know it is not my timing….it is God’s timing. I KNOW THAT. I KNOW THAT. I KNOW THAT. I know that with everything in me but I also fight against it. What IS IT about us that makes us fight God even when we know He is right?? HUH? I wish someone would tell me…..b/c I hate it.
I need to trust God. I need to trust His timing. I need to trust that He will take care of my grandma. I need to trust that He will be the shoulder, the voice, the smile for my mom. I need to trust that He will get us to Minot and take care of us and provide for us while we are there. I do trust Him, I just don’t trust me. Does that even make sense?? I don’t know….all I know is, I think I have “broken.” Kind of like when a fever “breaks” it’s all better from there on out. The fever has broken, you start to feel better. You peak with sickness and a high fever and then BAM, it breaks and you are on the road to a better you. I hope that is what happened tonight as I was laying in bed crying with all of these thoughts and worries and feelings running through my head. Those aren’t ALL of what has been bothering me, but they are the biggies. I think the next thing would be worrying about the boys and the move…..but that’ll come later.

If you are reading this, please pray for me. Please pray for my grandma and my mom.

For some reason I am reminded of a poem this friend I had in high school wrote.
“I need a peace Lord help me now,
I need to let go, I don’t know how.
Carry my pain, see me through,
Let it bring me closer to you.”

AMEN. Now back to bed.