Oh blah dee Oh blah daa life goes on…..

ooooooh la la la la life goes on. (Sorry I had to.)

Anyway, I came here for serious reasons and I now I have that song stuck in my head. So I guess I’ll get a few other things out of my head so I can concentrate on why I’m here at all.
I hate ants. They are evil. They have devoured my kitchen. I believe there are ants in hell….it’s part of the package.
I hate it when there are people missing from a party, especially if they have implied they are coming…. now I am left with party favors and balloons I don’t know what to do with. ugh. (however my sisters shower was still pretty sweeeeeet. hehe)
I hate a messy house, and mine is half messy….really. The kitchen (besides the ants), the bathroom, the living room, and dining area (so not a room) is clean….. however all the bedrooms and our bathroom are a mess. blah. And you may be asking “how do you have ants if your kitchen is clean?” I have no idea. They are coming from UNDER the fridge. Great. Guess what I’ll be doing tomorrow. Last night they were coming from under the stove so I pulled that out and vacuumed and mopped the floor under the stove. That was fun. *SNIDE*
Did I mention I hate ants??

Okay I think that was everything that is grating on me at the moment.

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So I made a call on, ummm…. Thursday I think? to my OB and told her that I basically lied on Monday at my 6 week check up. I am slightly depressed, but not in a horribly negative way. I know, that sounds stupid. I think it’s more anxiety than anything. Sometimes uncontrollable anxiety. Sometimes edginess (shaking, jitters). Sometimes downright SADNESS for no reason at all. I KNOW it’s the hormones, what else would it be?I have just been fighting this. I told her it’s not like it was when I was pg with Owen….that was pure evil anger. This is just SAD. Really. I was crying on the stinking phone talking to her about it b/c I was mad that I lied and didn’t just take care of this on Monday. Before I talked to her I did some research online about antidepressants while nursing. EVERYTHING said “the benefits of nursing and the mother’s wellbeing far outweigh the risks to the baby” and I just don’t think I buy that load. I can’t wrap my brain around ANY reason to subject my baby to drugs that will have some not so great effects on him. The one she wants to put me on she said is recommended for nursing b/c it ONLY will cause sleepiness, less frequent nursing, and weight loss in my baby. ONLY. Oh well in THAT case where do I sign up to make my baby stop eating, start sleeping, and lose weight?!?! He’s looking a bit chunky, it’s time to put him on a CELEXA diet. ugh. I just cannot justify it in my brain right now. It breaks my heart. I told her all of my worries and how I would feel horrible guilt for any side effects to him. She suggested I talk to their counselor about it and together (all three of us) can determine if that is a good option for me or not. I’m not sure. I just wish I could do this on my own.
Funny thing is though…. that yesterday and today I actually got my butt up and DID stuff…. like showered and was busy all day long…..and I feel pretty good. I’m tired, but I’m not weepy and I’m not edgy. BUT, yesterday I didn’t have any of the kids with me all day (shower prepping) and today was a whirlwind that ended with a big party. My appt with the counselor is on Thursday and with my doctor on Friday. My goal this week is to try to get up and get ready for the day and be busy everyday….whether it’s busy at home, or elsewhere, but just be DOING something instead of sitting on my arse. I need to have a goal for the day. I am hoping that that will make a difference. I don’t know. I could just be kidding myself.
I do know that at the end of the day the yucky feelings, the “not right with myself” feelings are still lingering there. I hate hormones.

The counselor I have seen off and on for 2 years now and just got done seeing again (Jake and I just went a few times together) was telling me that I have my feelings of worth wrapped up in how well I keep my house clean, how good of a wife/mom/daughter/friend I am…. and that that’s not right. I don’t agree.I was kind of frustrated the last time I talked to her b/c she thinks that I need to let everything go and not worry about it. Easier said than done. And so what if my feelings of worth ARE wrapped up in those things…..those are the things I want to be good at. The things I WANT to do well in my life. I may have grown up saying I wanted to DO something “when I was all grown up” but always in my mind I had a picture of what I wanted to BE. And a (semi) perfect SAHM was always what I pictured. Am I holding myself up to a standard that is too high? Is what I always pictured unattainable? Unattainable w/o drugs to keep me “level?” I don’t know. I don’t have the answers I want and need right now and that is frustrating to me.

It’s funny b/c I just finished reading this book called “When Joy came to stay” by Karen Kingsbury and it’s about a women who is severly depressed b/c she gave up a baby years ago before she was married and never told her husband about it. Now granted, I can’t relate to that situation, but I could relate to her feelings of hopelessness and the overwhelming feeling that the world was sitting on your chest….not your shoulders, your chest. Anyway, in the book she said she thought that “good christians” didn’t need a PILL to make them better. Then the person she was talking to said “some people think that these PILLS are God’s answer to prayer, to help you out of the fog.” I started thinking about that……and I’m still not sure where I stand. I’m kind of on the fence about that right now. It’s just funny how I read that book this week while I was coming to terms with a lot of my own stuff. Actually I finished it this week, I’ve been reading it for a few.

The deciding factor for me in ADMITTING that I don’t feel right was the not moving. I kept holding out hope that I would be fine after we moved. My mom kept saying “after you move it will only get worse b/c you won’t be around family to help you out.” True. But also not true. It is stressful to be around family too. Not that I don’t love them, but it just is….for a lot of reasons, good and bad. Plus, and I know this sounds selfish, but Jake and I grew to love our time in MO “alone.” Granted it was hard sometimes and we missed our family. I was just hoping that things would change and be easier once Jake was working his regular job again and actually had TIME to spend with us. When that hope of moving was taken away from me this week I was more upset about the thought that now I would stay in this “fog” longer. THEN I realized that this fog won’t lift just from a move, and even it did, that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon and I needed to take care of it. That is when I knew I had to call my doctor. I really felt like I saw no end in sight of this and it was overwhelming for me. My friend Sabrina from Link Group told me today that she was worried about me b/c the last time she saw me she was concerned that I just didn’t look right. She was right in her assumption. It was one of “those” nights and I just couldn’t put a fake smile on my face to save my life.

I am good at faking it most of the time, really. I’ve become really good at it actually. Tammy wrote a blog yesterday that caused me to think about this a little bit(I would link you to it but I don’t know how to do that yet…I know, LAME). I need to stop faking it…..the problem is that I kind of do get a boost out of “going through the happiness motions.” Kind of the “Fake it till ya make it” philosophy. It does work to a degree…. but as soon as you walk away from that situation where you’re faking it, you crash even harder….b/c you know.

Sooo, my goal this week is to give some sort of structure to my day and see if that helps me remain focused and not let my mind wander. I don’t know what to do when the edginess and jitters pop up (and NO I don’t have a daily caffeine intake…. the most I will maybe have is one cup of coffee 2-3 days a week….and believe it or not, the coffee calms me more than anything.) My friend Mary told me that when I get the overwhelming feelings of sadness I need to just stop and PRAY. That is my other goal.

*YAWN* This was a looooong post. Sorry.

A whole ‘lotta nothin’ goin’ on!

Seriously, my life is booooooooooring. At least it is right now. We have not been up to much lately. Saturday night I went to the races with my mom. That was kinda fun. The older two boys stayed with Jake and my grandma kept Owen. I pumped before we left b/c I didn’t want to pump in the nasty bathrooms while we were there. PLUS, who wants to lug around that big pump? Even if it does come in a discreet carry bag? We sat behind this family and the dad had FOUR girls and his g/f was pg too. He was there with a guy who appeared to be his brother b/c that guys kids kept calling him “uncle.” They were half of our entertainment. ;o) At one point, his YOUNG (younger than Aidan) nephew was blowing raspberries at him and he looked at him and laughingly said “I’m gonna f***ing kick your a**!” and then laughed really hard. OMG!! :O Some people are crazy, seriously. Who talks to a little kid like that??? Joking or not.
At one point I got up to go to the concessions to get a snack and I walked by where they were selling beer. I didn’t want a beer (why drink piss?) but I noticed they had Smirnoff. YUM. So I got one of those but it came in a beer cup b/c they wouldn’t let you have the glass bottle. I went back to our seats in the stands and before I could even take a good sip a COP was kicking me out of there!!! Apparently we were sitting in the family section where alcohol was not allowed! AH HA HA!! Such a rebel I am. ;o)
Sunday we went to church, well, Jake and I and Owen went to church. We left Dylan and Aidan at my grandma’s. Everyone was over there all weekend helping my grandma redo her patio. Aidan has Fifth’s right now and even though he’s not contagious I know that they wouldn’t like keeping him in class b/c the rash is so bad. It looks awful. After church we went to granny’s and hung out a few and then went and got lunch and brought it home. Then we all napped and dinked around here. The boys went to mom’s last night b/c I was really wanting to clean uninterrupted and I felt motivated to do it last night…… for some reason I just wanted them to go last night instead of tonight. So after they went there I finished reading my book and then we picked up and got the house pretty well straightened up. Not perfect, but pretty decent.
It was a good thing the boys were gone last night b/c Owen didn’t sleep at all! Okay, he did, but not really. He slept in 30-45 minute increments all night long. uuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!!!That was miserable for me! B/c of that I laid in bed with him until 11am!! Then I had to get ready to take him to the dr at 3(I thought he had thrush….he doesn’t, but I do. ???) and it took me forever to get ready b/c he just cried and cried and criiiiiiied all morning/afternoon. I don’t know what is up with him but he has been SO FUSSY.
To make matters worse, on top of the “thrush” that I thought he had and that I think I do have, he has CRACKED me on both sides. OOOOOOOOOOOUCH!!! Seriously, I can deal with mastitis, but the cracks make me want to stop nursing. Seriously. This morning I was crying b/c it hurt so bad and all I could think of was that I wanted to stop nursing and that just broke my heart. I called my LC and left her message about it and told her I’d be there at 3 for an appt anyway and to come find me if she could. (she works at the ped’s office)
So we get to his appt and I took a bottle of expressed milk for him and I was giving it to him in the room while we waited for the dr to come in. The nurse saw me giving him a bottle and I told her I din’t want to attempt nursing him in public while it was so painful. Crying in front of total strangers didn’t sound like something I wanted to do today WHILE exposing my boob to nurse. ;o)
So, she went and told the LC that I was giving him a bottle and she came back and said “Nancy said she’d rather you use this (handing me a nipple shield) instead of giving him a bottle” and I started cracking up! I said “I KNEW she would!!!” heehee. I told her I was going to go straight to Target today anyway to buy some so that was good. Then, about five minutes later Nancy comes running in and says “GIVE ME THAT BOTTLE!” ah ha ha!! She took the bottle from me and said “now lift up your shirt!” heehee She got the shield on me right b/c I had no idea how to use it and I didn’t want to try until I got home. She got in on and I started nursing and OMGOOOOOOOSH it felt so much better. It didn’t hurt at all. I was so grateful! I absolutely looooooooove her. She is a boob saver. hehe I am on strict orders the rest of the week though to get the cracks healed up and the suspected thrush cleared up before he gets it. This should be fun…..a few more things to add to my list of “to-do’s.”
Tonight I ordered all of the stuff for Kacie’s baby shower on the first. I am excited. It is going to be sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet. I can’t tell the details here in case she reads it, but I am excited. I hope she likes it. I am putting a lot of thought into the details and I hope it turns out good.

Also, STILL no orders. How much longer before I really go crazy waiting???

Today was a so-so day. I talked to Lanita earlier while I was driving to the dr’s and I just started bawling. I don’t know why, but today was teary day. Saturday and Sunday were pretty okay, but today was an off day. I think that sometimes I feel like I just want something that resembles my life back. Not my life before kids, but life with kids….. like right before I got pg with Owen everything was pretty perfect….as much as it could be. I want it back to that, and I don’t want it to take a year this time. I just want to feel like ME again. ME with a grip on things. And I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, but yeah, that is easier said than done….and it’s something I am trying to work on. ………..

Baby Blues????

Current mood: melancholy
I’ve not really blogged about anything much lately, besides the walmart weirdo.
I haven’t felt like doing any blogging, or anything that involves talking about what is going on around here. Not much. It’s the same ‘ol same ‘ol…..or as my sister-in-law hilariously put it in her blog “repeat, repeat again, repeat until I die” which made me laugh hysterically, b/c that is exactly how I’ve felt. UGH. Booooooooriiiiiiing.
Mostly the days consist of nursing every two hours AROUND the clock, changing a million and one diapers, making at least 10 meals a day (3/breakfast, 3/lunch, 4/dinner) and meanwhile trying to keep on top of Dylan and Aidan, the house, making sure naps are taken (at the same time preferrably), oh yeah….and getting a shower in there somewhere!
I have felt sad and “down” lately too which doesn’t help matters much. I don’t know if it’s the classic case of “baby blues” or WHAT, but I haven’t felt right. I was talking to Jake about it the other day and I told him I can FEEL it coming on, just like I did when I was PG with Owen…. I KNOW something is off but I don’t know what to do about it. I’m definately not in the same place I was when I was PG with Owen….. this time I don’t hate my kids and husband. This time I am just sad and tired. Tears always feel at the forefront all day and I don’t know why. I hate that I know something is off….it’s like I’m waiting. Waiting for it to either get worse or better. I don’t want to jump the gun and call my dr about it b/c I am hoping it’s just the baby blues and will pass. It passed when I was PG. I told Jake I would rather be oblivious to anything feeling wrong, b/c then I wouldn’t be anticipating anything….. now I’m actually not sure which is worse.
I haven’t really been doing my normal things either and I know that doesn’t help. I’m barely sleeping, I’m not talking to my friends like I did before. Toni and I used to talk everyday and Lanita and I were talking several times a week for a few hours at a time and that was just part of my daily/weekly activities that I relied on. Now I don’t feel like talking to anyone most days. I feel stuck. That makes me nervous. I need to snap out of this.
I feel like I miss people too. I got an email from my friend Missy and I wanted to cry reading it. It’s funny, I miss my close friends that I haven’t see in years, but I also don’t feel like doing anything with anyone, besides family. With my family I don’t have to be “up” like normal.
I think I am just tired and stressed out with everything….all the changes, all the impending changes (btw, STILL no word on moving yet), and how I feel overhwhelmed by it all. At counseling last week with Jake, our counselor told me that my biggest problem is struggling with perfection. I freak out and beat myself up b/c things aren’t perfect. I also freak out and beat OTHERS up (Jake/boys) when they don’t do something perfectly. WONDERFUL. Tell me something I don’t know…. I know. I knew that already, but I needed someone to tell me flat out. HA…reading back through that part makes it sound like I keep everything perfect….and I DON’T at all. That is why I am so overwhelmed and stressed out b/c I am not happy until it is.
Okay I have gotten off topic (what was my topic???) and I just went head first into an annoying rant. Sorry readers.
So there is my blog for now. Who knows when I will get a chance to post another one???