Oh blah dee Oh blah daa life goes on…..

ooooooh la la la la life goes on. (Sorry I had to.)

Anyway, I came here for serious reasons and I now I have that song stuck in my head. So I guess I’ll get a few other things out of my head so I can concentrate on why I’m here at all.
I hate ants. They are evil. They have devoured my kitchen. I believe there are ants in hell….it’s part of the package.
I hate it when there are people missing from a party, especially if they have implied they are coming…. now I am left with party favors and balloons I don’t know what to do with. ugh. (however my sisters shower was still pretty sweeeeeet. hehe)
I hate a messy house, and mine is half messy….really. The kitchen (besides the ants), the bathroom, the living room, and dining area (so not a room) is clean….. however all the bedrooms and our bathroom are a mess. blah. And you may be asking “how do you have ants if your kitchen is clean?” I have no idea. They are coming from UNDER the fridge. Great. Guess what I’ll be doing tomorrow. Last night they were coming from under the stove so I pulled that out and vacuumed and mopped the floor under the stove. That was fun. *SNIDE*
Did I mention I hate ants??

Okay I think that was everything that is grating on me at the moment.

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So I made a call on, ummm…. Thursday I think? to my OB and told her that I basically lied on Monday at my 6 week check up. I am slightly depressed, but not in a horribly negative way. I know, that sounds stupid. I think it’s more anxiety than anything. Sometimes uncontrollable anxiety. Sometimes edginess (shaking, jitters). Sometimes downright SADNESS for no reason at all. I KNOW it’s the hormones, what else would it be?I have just been fighting this. I told her it’s not like it was when I was pg with Owen….that was pure evil anger. This is just SAD. Really. I was crying on the stinking phone talking to her about it b/c I was mad that I lied and didn’t just take care of this on Monday. Before I talked to her I did some research online about antidepressants while nursing. EVERYTHING said “the benefits of nursing and the mother’s wellbeing far outweigh the risks to the baby” and I just don’t think I buy that load. I can’t wrap my brain around ANY reason to subject my baby to drugs that will have some not so great effects on him. The one she wants to put me on she said is recommended for nursing b/c it ONLY will cause sleepiness, less frequent nursing, and weight loss in my baby. ONLY. Oh well in THAT case where do I sign up to make my baby stop eating, start sleeping, and lose weight?!?! He’s looking a bit chunky, it’s time to put him on a CELEXA diet. ugh. I just cannot justify it in my brain right now. It breaks my heart. I told her all of my worries and how I would feel horrible guilt for any side effects to him. She suggested I talk to their counselor about it and together (all three of us) can determine if that is a good option for me or not. I’m not sure. I just wish I could do this on my own.
Funny thing is though…. that yesterday and today I actually got my butt up and DID stuff…. like showered and was busy all day long…..and I feel pretty good. I’m tired, but I’m not weepy and I’m not edgy. BUT, yesterday I didn’t have any of the kids with me all day (shower prepping) and today was a whirlwind that ended with a big party. My appt with the counselor is on Thursday and with my doctor on Friday. My goal this week is to try to get up and get ready for the day and be busy everyday….whether it’s busy at home, or elsewhere, but just be DOING something instead of sitting on my arse. I need to have a goal for the day. I am hoping that that will make a difference. I don’t know. I could just be kidding myself.
I do know that at the end of the day the yucky feelings, the “not right with myself” feelings are still lingering there. I hate hormones.

The counselor I have seen off and on for 2 years now and just got done seeing again (Jake and I just went a few times together) was telling me that I have my feelings of worth wrapped up in how well I keep my house clean, how good of a wife/mom/daughter/friend I am…. and that that’s not right. I don’t agree.I was kind of frustrated the last time I talked to her b/c she thinks that I need to let everything go and not worry about it. Easier said than done. And so what if my feelings of worth ARE wrapped up in those things…..those are the things I want to be good at. The things I WANT to do well in my life. I may have grown up saying I wanted to DO something “when I was all grown up” but always in my mind I had a picture of what I wanted to BE. And a (semi) perfect SAHM was always what I pictured. Am I holding myself up to a standard that is too high? Is what I always pictured unattainable? Unattainable w/o drugs to keep me “level?” I don’t know. I don’t have the answers I want and need right now and that is frustrating to me.

It’s funny b/c I just finished reading this book called “When Joy came to stay” by Karen Kingsbury and it’s about a women who is severly depressed b/c she gave up a baby years ago before she was married and never told her husband about it. Now granted, I can’t relate to that situation, but I could relate to her feelings of hopelessness and the overwhelming feeling that the world was sitting on your chest….not your shoulders, your chest. Anyway, in the book she said she thought that “good christians” didn’t need a PILL to make them better. Then the person she was talking to said “some people think that these PILLS are God’s answer to prayer, to help you out of the fog.” I started thinking about that……and I’m still not sure where I stand. I’m kind of on the fence about that right now. It’s just funny how I read that book this week while I was coming to terms with a lot of my own stuff. Actually I finished it this week, I’ve been reading it for a few.

The deciding factor for me in ADMITTING that I don’t feel right was the not moving. I kept holding out hope that I would be fine after we moved. My mom kept saying “after you move it will only get worse b/c you won’t be around family to help you out.” True. But also not true. It is stressful to be around family too. Not that I don’t love them, but it just is….for a lot of reasons, good and bad. Plus, and I know this sounds selfish, but Jake and I grew to love our time in MO “alone.” Granted it was hard sometimes and we missed our family. I was just hoping that things would change and be easier once Jake was working his regular job again and actually had TIME to spend with us. When that hope of moving was taken away from me this week I was more upset about the thought that now I would stay in this “fog” longer. THEN I realized that this fog won’t lift just from a move, and even it did, that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon and I needed to take care of it. That is when I knew I had to call my doctor. I really felt like I saw no end in sight of this and it was overwhelming for me. My friend Sabrina from Link Group told me today that she was worried about me b/c the last time she saw me she was concerned that I just didn’t look right. She was right in her assumption. It was one of “those” nights and I just couldn’t put a fake smile on my face to save my life.

I am good at faking it most of the time, really. I’ve become really good at it actually. Tammy wrote a blog yesterday that caused me to think about this a little bit(I would link you to it but I don’t know how to do that yet…I know, LAME). I need to stop faking it…..the problem is that I kind of do get a boost out of “going through the happiness motions.” Kind of the “Fake it till ya make it” philosophy. It does work to a degree…. but as soon as you walk away from that situation where you’re faking it, you crash even harder….b/c you know.

Sooo, my goal this week is to give some sort of structure to my day and see if that helps me remain focused and not let my mind wander. I don’t know what to do when the edginess and jitters pop up (and NO I don’t have a daily caffeine intake…. the most I will maybe have is one cup of coffee 2-3 days a week….and believe it or not, the coffee calms me more than anything.) My friend Mary told me that when I get the overwhelming feelings of sadness I need to just stop and PRAY. That is my other goal.

*YAWN* This was a looooong post. Sorry.

The Rundown……

Saturday night we went to the races with Mom. We took Dylan and Aidan and left Owen with my grandma. Mom is bringing McKenna too. Mom picked up ear muffler looking things for the kids to wear so the noise doesn’t hurt them. It was too loud for me at some points, not all, but enough so that I don’t want the boys to not be protected. The races were sort of stressful for me b/c the kids would NOT sit down. I think I watched MAYBE 5 minutes COMBINED time of the races. The last straw for me was Aidan throwing a screaming fit and Dylan knocking his soda all over the kid in front of us. Talk about embarrassing. So I packed up me and Aidan I left. Aidan and I had gone out after Mom and Jake and Dylan and Kenna….. that way I could leave early to get back to Owen. Good thing too b/c Mom and Jake and the kids didn’t get back until almost 11!!!!
Needless to say we skipped church so the kids could sleep in from such a LATE night. Sunday morning we got up and Jake started doing some yardwork. I called mom to see if the boys could go over there for the morning/afternoon while we cracked out some yard work. We got almost all that I wanted done DONE, there will be some tidy up stuff to do on Friday or Saturday before the shower, but pretty much the big stuff got done.
Then I had to take Owen to the Dr. so they could make him POOP. He still had not really gone…he went Saturday but just a teeny bit. I called Sunday and they wanted me to bring him in, so I did. They did some “stuff” to him and gave him a suppository (I had given him one saturday too) and sent us home. When we got home he finally had a BLOWOUT. I got him cleaned up and then we went to our Link Group BBQ at David and Sabrina’s. We stayed there for a while but I was so dang tired I was practically falling asleep on the deck…I felt like I was anyway. Hopefully no one noticed! LOL
Yesterday I had my 6 week OB check-up…. that went good. She talked to me about antidepressants but I said I didn’t want to do that just yet, to which she said “I knew you’d say that” hehe I just want to wait it out and see what happens. I’ll know if I’m getting worse or even just not getting better. I really think it’s just baby blues….After that I went shopping for more baby shower stuff. I can’t say here in case Kacie reads this, but it is going to be SO CUTE! I am very excited to do this. I have a TON to do though before Saturday. UGH…not sure how I will get it all done. My mom is going to come help with some stuff….but right now it all just seems like a lot…and I am totally that person that does not ask for help b/c really, I don’t want it (unless it’s my mom) b/c I just like things done a certain way. ;o)
Oh yeah, Owen slept 5.5 hours Sunday night!! That is the most sleep I’ve gotten since before I had him! I felt like a new woman!!! LOL I swear it was because he finally pooped, b/c he hasn’t pooped since then and now he is fussy again. Anyway, since I had gotten SO MUCH sleep that night I was totally in the mood to clean and stuff yesterday so last night I got a lot of cleaning done and I even made dinner! yeah, sounds small, but lately for me, that was a big deal. LOL However, you’d never know I cleaned by looking at it today. I was just telling my grandma this morning while she was here for a while that that is the ONE thing I HATE about being home all day….the messes. YOu have to constantly be cleaning to keep on top of it…..especially with three kids. Three kids and a husband who forgets to clean up the dinner mess so I am left with it in the morning. Niiiiiiiiiiiiice.
Today is a low key day again.I was beat when I got up this morning. I stayed up too late IM’ing with Marcia last night and I didn’t get to sleep until 1. Then Owen woke up at 4:30, back to bed at 5:20, woke up again at 7:30 and then that was that. I tried to snooze on the couch for a while this morning and succeeded until Owen started getting fussy. Dylan was just playing in the living room and cuddling with me off and on until he got hungry. Aidan didn’t wake up after 10!!!! OMG!!! I love that that kids sleeps in so late! I wish Dylan would do that. Dylan is up at the crack up dawn, always. He is getting good about sneaking into our bed so I don’t even hear him. When I woke up at 7:30 he was there!
Mom is coming over later maybe to help me make some shower stuff but other than that, nothing much today. I just want to sleep. ALL of the kids are asleep right now…granted Owen is on my chest even right now, but at least they are all asleep. I hear the couch calling my name…………………